Confessions of a Hobby Junkie

[addict]

What follows is a confession. I’ve “hobbied” for more years than I’d like to admit, and while I’ve enjoyed myself in the moment countless times, ultimately, looking back, the experience has been bankrupt for me. I’m not here to judge others, as I know it is different things for different people. I am posting this because doing so is cathartic, and perhaps somebody will read it and either relate to the experience or see it ahead of them.

I was 19 when I first paid for sex. I called an escort agency out of the yellow pages and snuck her into my parents’ house (true story). I had been sexually active since I was 15, and never had a problem getting laid as a young man. In fact, the girl I paid was probably the most unattractive girl I had ever been with at the time. I wasn’t paying her for sex because I was lonely, or overly horny, or anything like that. I was paying her for sex because I could.

While in college, I would call escorts from the back of the rags, many times only finding hand jobs or jack off scam artists. My funds were limited, which kept this relatively rare, but it went on. Once again, I had a fairly active sex life with civvies, but it didn’t keep me from seeking it elsewhere. It’s worth noting that back then, I would often times be racked with guilt after seeing working girls. I remember crying afterwards several times. What I was doing was completely incongruous with the rest of my life, where I was a “good kid”. I was close with my friends and family, well liked, and not quite sure why I kept sneaking off to pay older women to have sex with me, many times women that I wouldn’t have fucked for free outside of the hobby.

After college, I took a job in sales that led me to travel around. Sometime during this, I discovered the exotics website, the first time I had seen actual pictures and “reviews” of prostitutes. I also discovered aspd, and between the two, I launched full into the world of whoremongering. I was making decent money for a kid, but nowhere near enough to afford the $300/hr girls I was getting accustomed to. I rarely saw the same girl twice, and as soon as I shot my load I was out the door.

I saw a girl in Austin whose child was in the living room and we fucked in the nursery. She was physically disgusting and obviously "on medication", and for some reason I fucked her anyways. That was enough to make me swear off seeing anybody, and I lasted for several months, best I can remember.

Since then, I’ve had active times and I’ve had dormant times. I’ve had several active handles on aspd and eccie, “retired”, and then come back as someone new. I have no idea how many women I’ve fucked, or how much money I’ve blown. I’ve never been married, but have basically gone from one long term relationship to the next, with plenty of fucking around between. The frequency of me visiting hookers and my civvie sex life literally have zero connection. I’ve dated several women who were absolute tigers in the sack and couldn’t get enough, and yet it didn’t stop me from seeing hookers.

About 6 or 7 years ago, I started noticing a difference between my civvie sex life and my hobby sex life. In the civvie world, I was a giving lover, and loved hearing women tell me how amazing I was in bed. I didn’t care if I came, and often struggled to do so even when I tried. I wouldn’t let a girl go down on me for more than a minute or two, because I felt bad about things being one sided, even for a short time.

In the hobby, it was all about me. I’d lay back and take a blow job as long as the girl would do it. I’d go down on women, but I’d do so in a way that turned me on more than making sure she was enjoying it. I’d come quickly, sometimes embarrassingly so, and I would typically be silent as I dressed and left, regardless of how much time was left. Or I’d ask for a massage, rather than offering one. I wouldn’t say I was an asshole, and I was always respectful, but it was truly all about me.

What I get from my civvie life and what I get my hobby life are two completely different things. I can have sex with my girlfriend, be completely satisfied, and 30 minutes later be trolling eccie, looking for something available.

I worry that I’ve fucked up my own sexuality. I worry that I’ll never be happy in a monogamous relationship, and I’ve always taken it for granted that eventually I’d find that. I worry that no matter how healthy my sex life is in the context of a relationship, I will always yearn for the unhealthy side I’ve cultivated in the hobby.

When I approach an attractive woman outside of the hobby, I disengage way too quickly if she’s not immediately inviting. I can always go find somebody to pay.

When I meet a nice girl, someone honest and successful and genuine, I tend to shy away because somewhere, almost subconsciously, I think they deserve better.

I’ve also noticed that after awhile, the thrill of the hobby starts to subside. I used to get an adrenaline rush through every phase of an appointment, from the initial call, to driving to the location, to sitting at a door you just knocked on waiting to see who’s behind it, to the actual fucking. Then one day, I’m just going through the motions, emotionlessly, getting nothing out of it but unable to stop. Just like any addiction, you build a tolerance, and miss the rush of the fix. And so you start looking to find it again.

I was drunk and on the road when I fucked a tranny the first time. I’m not gay, never have had a thing for guys or trannys, never even crossed my mind until I happened upon an eros ad in the” what’s new” section that I clicked on thinking it was a woman and then realized it wasn’t. But I clicked it, and all of the sudden, a curiosity started growing, and it grew because it was simply a way to push the limits. I’d make inquiries and get that old familiar rush of doing something exhilaratingly wrong, going off the mainstream and pushing the limits. And I finally acted on it.

I threw up afterwards, cried, felt numb. It affected me emotionally in a way I didn’t think was possible. I was depressed. I swore off not only that, but the hobby all together. Then I fucked another one, and another one, and eventually, I was just going through the motions with fucking trannys the same way I was doing so with regular hookers. It was even worse though, because once the exhilaration subsided, I realized that the last thing in the world that turned me on was a dick. I would pay my money, then spend the next 20 minutes trying to hurry up and come while avoiding the fact that the girl that was blowing me had a dick between “her” legs. I'd see a tranny then immediately go see a regular girl to "wash off" the shame of what I had done.

So what next? BBFS. Everybody talks and speculates and positions on here about it. My experience is that most people that have been around engage in it, it’s available way more often than you think, and it’s one of those things where if you’re not looking for it, you may not see it, but if you are, you see it everywhere. And after 10+ years of not engaging in it, ever, a girl went for it, I didn’t stop her, and since then I’ve fucked more girls bareback than I have with a condom. Indies and AMP girls alike, I can tell you it’s not any more or less prevalent from one to the other. And the problem is, now that I’ve gone down that road, I don’t enjoy it when it’s not the case. It’s almost like every session with a new girl is just a challenge to see if I will bareback her (for the record, I’ve never tricked, forced, or pressured anybody into this), just like it used to be for me with bbbj’s or just getting full service back in the day. I've gotten tested and have as of yet not had any consequences, but every time it happens, you're right back to square one.

Therein lies the problem. It’s never enough, the hole you’re trying to fill just keeps getting bigger, and sooner or later you’re just numb. I realize not everybody here is like me, and that we’re all here for different reasons. But for me, I feel like this “hobby” has taken more from me than it’s given. It’s my own damn fault, and I’m not blaming anybody, but I’ve done things I never would have thought I was capable of doing, things I am terribly ashamed of, and I’ve paid to do them. I’ve told myself more times than I could possibly remember “ok, this is my last time”. I’ve spent more money than I should have, dipping into funds that are way beyond “fun money:. I’ve lied to people I’ve loved. I’ve done things that if my friends and family knew about, I could never look them in the face again.

And the shit of it is, I know that I’ll probably do them again. This “hobby” is a bitch. And it’s one I can’t control, no matter how hard I try.

Be careful with it, it can eat you alive.

[MuffDiver817]

Wow....great post bud....Obviously took a lot of courage to write this. I sense some addiction and depression problems from what I read. I can honestly say you put a little "fear" into me. I'd like to think I can turn this hobby on and off when I want to. But then again I am just thinking that...No offense to you at all, but I would never want to be in your shoes.
Get some help my friend, sounds like your conscience is eating you alive. Nothing wrong with help, you just admitted what you have put yourself through. But again I give you major kudos for writing such a personal post. Hope everything works out for you, and I appreciate you sharing your story. I personally never thought how far this hobby could go.

[Jewish Lawyer]

I appreciate your story, and having seen many psychologists myself, I can tell you you need to see one.
I also like your story because it reinforces for me the fact that I just like to go out and fuck beautiful women, and I feel great about it afterwards, so I see no reason whatsoever to stop. I never fuck a woman I think is ugly, I use the hobby to bridge over the fact that 20 year old girls just don't have any real need to fuck 50 year olds like me, but I want to fuck them.Often.But healthily. From an emotionally elevated state of mind. Plus, I like looking at naked women. Maybe I will discuss this with my shrink....

[rxram03]

Wow. I'm on the opposite side of the fence. I'm here because I can't find or obtain any of it in my civie life. I'm told constantly, by women, that "you're an amazing guy", "I'm so lucky to have you in my life", etc, yet no matter what it just doesn't happen for me. The phrase that pisses me off the most is "any girl would be lucky to have you" and/or "you're good enough for any girl". That makes me want to punch a girl in the face and I don't tolerate violence towards women, but when I hear that I want to lay them out because this is what always happens:

Her: "Any girl would be lucky to have you. You're totally good enough for any girl".
Me: "Thank you for that, it really does mean a lot. Hey, maybe we can go out sometime?"
Her: "....what....like a date?"
Me: "yeah"
Her: "oh...I'm sorry, I really don't see you like that".
Me: "....you just said....ok, well I guess I'm just not good enough for you"
Her: "no....that's no what I'm saying...."
Me: "No, that's exactly what you're saying. You just said I'm good enough for ANY girl but clearly not for you".
Her: "that's....no....I..."
Me: "forget it"

The fact is for me, I'm just waiting....WAITING for someone to pull me away from this lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed my time in the hobby and I don't have any negative feelings towards it because it has filled that void and I will continue to do this, but I don't want to do this forever. Knock me all you want for wanting a real life relationship because I do see all the comments on here from those that are in one and can't stand it, but it's something I want. When you've been single and haven't had any dates for nearly 7 years, that shit weighs on you mentally and emotionally, at least for me it has. And I'm not looking for love here in the hobby world (I know better than that) but the companionship, the flesh on flesh, the IOP....it helps.....for a moment. I've been able to keep it in check. I don't hobby every week or even every month. The most providers I've seen in the span of a month is 2 (once each).

Best of luck to you man. I hope you find some help and get a fix on this or you're able to kick it.

[Barny Stinson]

rc83 next time I get that in the "friend zone" crap I think I will just have to call them out on it just like your little conversation above. Tired of being the "go to" guy for everything but sex. as everything else in this world Assholes get it and good guys finish last.

[TheWanderer]

Gutsy post. I can certainly relate to how one thing leads to another, just like your first drink of alcohol in high school.
My story is not all that different, but I have finally put it into a tolerable perspective.
There are many guys here that are in various stages of this cycle and to those that are in the adrenaline, excitement stage, this type of discussion makes no sense to them.
The day is coming for them as well when they realize that there is no real element of satisfaction in the hobby.
It's merely a short term thrill with various consequences.

[Guest090519-1]

Talk about a great first post. I'm in the hobby for different reasons than you, and probably different reasons than most guys actually, but your words still hit home. Thank you for sharing.

[misspriss]

Everyone hobbies for a different reason. The men come from all walks of life, education levels and come to the ladies to fill various needs.


Some of the ladies and gents don’t necessarily “separate” their lives - they live it as one but know when to put the brakes on. They don’t give too much or expect too much - only a sexual encounter and for them, this is awesome!! Those who hobby and consider it a dirty secret tend to “separate” the experience with a very jagged line. I personally have found those who approach this with a “separate” lives theory seem to be the least happy with what they are doing - the men seem concerned with “what do I get for this” and the women “what can I get for this” …. I’ve heard the gals tell me they can’t wait to get out, they don’t enjoy it and from their tone they sound fairly disgusted with having to put on an act all day. From the men, I can see it the moment they get what they came for. Instantly, the guilt shows through the uncomfortable way they hop up and “separate” themselves from the situation. I highly suspect there is no encounter that will ever fill the need - because they probably don’t even know themselves what they need.


When I started this I felt a deep sense of guilt about it. I didn’t want to admit to myself, let alone anyone else that my life had come to this. I asked for advice and a lot of the gals said - ’it’s a job’ learn to separate it. I did, somewhat but something still wasn’t right.


When I could no longer take it, I decided to answer my own questions. Why did I start doing this? What do I get out of it? Why do I feel guilty?


Now, I no longer separate the two - I choose not to live in two worlds because I know ONCE YOU SEPARATE SOMETHING, IT CAN NEVER BE WHOLE. This is a part of me and my life and I truly believe for me to be happy, I must be a whole person and I prefer that route. To hide what I do would suggest I’m ashamed, I’m not. I keep it quiet because not everyone would understand, there is a difference.


Do not worry, there is nothing wrong with you, only your approach. You can have a monogamous relationship and be happy but that will only come with truth. When you meet someone worth it, share all of yourself - shameful secrets and mishaps included.


When two people give their entirety, together they become whole. I realize in a lot of relationships both parties mask what they feel the other would not accept. To have to ‘hide’ behind truths makes it impossible to give yourself ENTIRELY and that defeats the purpose. We often assume the one on the other end doesn’t want our bad sides, only the good but that is not correct. They should take it all or take nothing but at least be honest enough to give them the choice.


When you meet someone, find a bigger closet to fit both of your skeletons - true happiness and monogamy will surely follow.

[bojulay]

I like providers because civie girls that I've met in the last few years
seem to all start planning our wedding by the second or third date.

I don't have commitment issues, I have being married issues.


I think I'm too suave for my own good, just too f-ing suave.

[Jewish Lawyer]

Originally Posted by rc83

Wow. I'm on the opposite side of the fence. I'm here because I can't find or obtain any of it in my civie life. I'm told constantly, by women, that "you're an amazing guy", "I'm so lucky to have you in my life", etc, yet no matter what it just doesn't happen for me. The phrase that pisses me off the most is "any girl would be lucky to have you" and/or "you're good enough for any girl". That makes me want to punch a girl in the face and I don't tolerate violence towards women, but when I hear that I want to lay them out because this is what always happens:

Her: "Any girl would be lucky to have you. You're totally good enough for any girl".
Me: "Thank you for that, it really does mean a lot. Hey, maybe we can go out sometime?"
Her: "....what....like a date?"
Me: "yeah"
Her: "oh...I'm sorry, I really don't see you like that".
Me: "....you just said....ok, well I guess I'm just not good enough for you"
Her: "no....that's no what I'm saying...."
Me: "No, that's exactly what you're saying. You just said I'm good enough for ANY girl but clearly not for you".
Her: "that's....no....I..."
Me: "forget it"

The fact is for me, I'm just waiting....WAITING for someone to pull me away from this lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed my time in the hobby and I don't have any negative feelings towards it because it has filled that void and I will continue to do this, but I don't want to do this forever. Knock me all you want for wanting a real life relationship because I do see all the comments on here from those that are in one and can't stand it, but it's something I want. When you've been single and haven't had any dates for nearly 7 years, that shit weighs on you mentally and emotionally, at least for me it has. And I'm not looking for love here in the hobby world (I know better than that) but the companionship, the flesh on flesh, the IOP....it helps.....for a moment. I've been able to keep it in check. I don't hobby every week or even every month. The most providers I've seen in the span of a month is 2 (once each).

Best of luck to you man. I hope you find some help and get a fix on this or you're able to kick it.

Tell those girls, "Fuck you, I'm not a nice guy - I'm going to go screw me a hooker, get drunk, play some poker, get into a fight, and yell at the next asshole who gets in my way."
Alternately, apologize to her for taking it too far, emphasize you really want to be in touch with your feelings and most of all validate hers, while at the same time being emotionally true to your self, and being a good person blah blah blah
Women really like a bastard who takes charge because their own self esteem issues make them think they don't deserve to be treated well, and they think nice guys are pussified losers who won't make money, and they are generally correct.
Nice guys finish last so get out there and make shit happen.

[Caseykassum]

This is some real hitting close to home shit.
We each face our demons when we hobby. Some face them in denial and others head on.
Few truly win though... Cause winning means you have quit. And we are still here..

Thanks for taking the time.

[Captain Caveman]

My dating experience is similar to rc83's. I use the hobby to fill a void in my life. I no longer let women put me in that "friend zone." Sure, we can pal around and have drinks together, but I am no longer going to be the guy that holds her hand while she pours her heart out about her asshole boyfriend.

[Jewish Lawyer]

Originally Posted by Caseykassum

This is some real hitting close to home shit.
We each face our demons when we hobby. Some face them in denial and others head on.
Few truly win though... Cause winning means you have quit. And we are still here..

Thanks for taking the time.

How do you equate winning with quitting the hobby?
What's wrong with fucking pretty girls for the next 38 years?

[MickeyBlue]

Originally Posted by Captain Caveman

My dating experience is similar to rc83's. I use the hobby to fill a void in my life. I no longer let women put me in that "friend zone." Sure, we can pal around and have drinks together, but I am no longer going to be the guy that holds her hand while she pours her heart out about her asshole boyfriend.

True true true.

Been there, done that.

Avoid the friend zone, as once you are in, you are stuck forever.

Rc83 you might check out some of the pickup artist stuff ( dont pay money for it, there are a couple of books and plenty of videos available on thepiratebay ). Like everything, 90% of it is pure bullshit, but its interesting to see their perspective on some of the things women do/say and how they handle it.

[samantha thom]

Originally Posted by rc83

Wow. I'm on the opposite side of the fence. I'm here because I can't find or obtain any of it in my civie life. I'm told constantly, by women, that "you're an amazing guy", "I'm so lucky to have you in my life", etc, yet no matter what it just doesn't happen for me. The phrase that pisses me off the most is "any girl would be lucky to have you" and/or "you're good enough for any girl". That makes me want to punch a girl in the face and I don't tolerate violence towards women, but when I hear that I want to lay them out because this is what always happens:

Her: "Any girl would be lucky to have you. You're totally good enough for any girl".
Me: "Thank you for that, it really does mean a lot. Hey, maybe we can go out sometime?"
Her: "....what....like a date?"
Me: "yeah"
Her: "oh...I'm sorry, I really don't see you like that".
Me: "....you just said....ok, well I guess I'm just not good enough for you"
Her: "no....that's no what I'm saying...."
Me: "No, that's exactly what you're saying. You just said I'm good enough for ANY girl but clearly not for you".
Her: "that's....no....I..."
Me: "forget it"

The fact is for me, I'm just waiting....WAITING for someone to pull me away from this lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed my time in the hobby and I don't have any negative feelings towards it because it has filled that void and I will continue to do this, but I don't want to do this forever. Knock me all you want for wanting a real life relationship because I do see all the comments on here from those that are in one and can't stand it, but it's something I want. When you've been single and haven't had any dates for nearly 7 years, that shit weighs on you mentally and emotionally, at least for me it has. And I'm not looking for love here in the hobby world (I know better than that) but the companionship, the flesh on flesh, the IOP....it helps.....for a moment. I've been able to keep it in check. I don't hobby every week or even every month. The most providers I've seen in the span of a month is 2 (once each).

Best of luck to you man. I hope you find some help and get a fix on this or you're able to kick it.

Don't worry, rc! If these girls you meet go for the 'bad' guys, they are not good girls in the first place...so you don't miss anything. Really good people are hard to find...someone loyal is hard to find...but they are out there. Your reason to be in the hobby is reasonable...please don't forget who you are...don't become jaded and lose yourself!