About being married

[npita]

I have a few questions for married or divorced hobbyists. I am planning to get married in about a year and I'm no longer hobbying. The reason I'm still active on this board is that my best friend in real life is a provider who is well known here, we will always be friends and even though I can't contribute reviews, I'd still like to contrbute what I've learned to ECCIE when possible. I'm 51 and it will be the first time I've gotten married. Here are my questions:

(1) Did the sex (quality/quantity) really decline right after getting married? Right now, mine is pretty much everything I could want it to be, but I've never been married, so I dunno. I have lived with a few women, and eventually got bored, but they were quite different from my fiance.

(2) Do many of you that hobby just do it for variety or is it mostly due to the sex (or lack thereof) at home?

(3) For those who do it for lack of adequate sex aty home, would you hobby if your home sex life was what you wanted it to be? Were there any signs before getting married that you ignored or didn't notice that would have alerted you to what would happen after getting married?


Thanks

[Kelly TNT]

Good topic ntipa!

I know this question is for the guys...

But, I can tell you that I have many married clients.

Some have wives who, over the years...lost that Lovin feeling...

Some who just want the variety back in there lives....

The majority are in the "Lost that Loving Feeling" category.

But, you shouldn't worry too much about others now. You've found the person you want to marry. This is a great new beginning in your life. It's a blessing.

Congrats to you!!

~Kelly TNT

[guest123009]

1) Yes. People get lazy. Oral is often the first casualty.
2) Mostly for the need. Sometimes for the variety.
3) No and No.

If you have any assets at all, get a prenuptial agreement.

[Papacorn]

Kelly is right on - the sex at home is great, I just need to celebrate my birthday more than once a year

The hard question to answer is if the home fun got more frequent, would I give up the variety I am now used to?

I am guessing I won't have to dind out.

Good luck!

[Cossetan]

npita,

First of all, congratulations on your engagement. I hope you and the wife-to-be enjoy a long and fulfilling life together.

For what it's worth, if you are seriously wanting your new marriage to go well, walk--no, run!!--completely away from the hobby, pour yourself totally into your marriage relationship and don't look back...not even to check in here or comment on threads. It'll eventually affect the intimacy in your marriage which will, in turn, affect the sex, and not for the better. Your new wife is already going to be competing with your memories, whether she knows it or not, so make it easier on the both of you and don't keep adding to the mental and emotional inventory.

And, I'd even go so far as to tell your friend, the provider, good-bye as well--as painful as that may be. Having a woman other than your wife as a "best friend" is going to be another marriage killer for you over time.

Your questions almost presume that sex is going to trail off after you get hitched. To some extent, that's true because you'll settle into routines and all. However, married sex doesn't have to translate into dull sex. Some of that happens due to selfishness, kids, work, fatigue, fitness and a host of other causes, but a lot simply happens because of neglect. A good marriage takes work and so does good sex. Talk about things up front with the fiance and keep up the communication after you exchange the rings. Set some mutually-agreeable goals for what you want your physical and sexual relationship to be and then chart your course to reach what you are looking for.

Let me also suggest that you find yourself some positive role models among men who have good long-term marriages and healthy sex lives with their wives. They are going to be your best resources for some practical "how-tos" on getting there yourself.

Best wishes to you in your new role.

..

[aRandyOne]

Originally Posted by Papacorn

Kelly is right on - the sex at home is great, I just need to celebrate my birthday more than once a year

Wow, some guys have all the luck. I got laid at home in December of 1997. It was a Christmas present. Every year at Christmas I hope for another Christmas miracle.

You know that old joke about "why do brides smile while walking down the aisle? Because they realize that they've given their last BJ." It is really true in some of our lives.

Good luck on the marriage.

[Cossetan]

Originally Posted by Cossetan

Talk about things up front with the fiance...
..

And, to set the grammatical record straight, that should be "fiancee" with a double-e on the end (and an accent on the first e) as that's the proper feminine version of the word. Sorry for using the male version with one "e" inappropriately. That's the hazard of typing late at night.

..

[yardape]

Single women look at sex for fun and for test-driving the compatibility of potential committed mates. Young married women look at sex as the way to get children and keep the mate tied down. Older married women look at it as a nuisance - an unpleasant surprise - when it happens with the spouse, a fantasy adventure if they manage to seduce a younger male on the sly. Incoming artillery is expected.

[guest123009]

Good observations, yardape. Matches my experience.

Young do it for fun or approval. Married before kids still do it for fun with kids a possibility. Once kids are born, the frequency drops off substantially as focus justifiably shifts to mothering. Sex is no longer spontaneous and becomes an item at the bottom of a to-do list if done at all. Divorced women with children out of the house often have a revival of libido. Not sure if marriage repeats the cycle... have not been down that road.

Marriage goes against the grain of nature. Men get fat and lazy. Women move on to mothering and just want security. If marriage were not an option, both would have to work harder on themselves and their relationships.

[npita]

Thank you for all of your thoughtful replies, especially Kelly and Cossetan.

Originally Posted by Cossetan

npita,

And, I'd even go so far as to tell your friend, the provider, good-bye as well--as painful as that may be. Having a woman other than your wife as a "best friend" is going to be another marriage killer for you over time.

Thank you for the advice. However, I have never seen my provider friend on a professional level. My fiacee also knows I hobbied. She is very open mnded, she trusts me and she is really OK with all of this. She hasn't met my provider friend yet, but she wants to meet her.

Your questions almost presume that sex is going to trail off after you get hitched. To some extent, that's true because you'll settle into routines and all. However, married sex doesn't have to translate into dull sex. Some of that happens due to selfishness, kids, work, fatigue, fitness and a host of other causes, but a lot simply happens because of neglect. A good marriage takes work and so does good sex. Talk about things up front with the fiance and keep up the communication after you exchange the rings. Set some mutually-agreeable goals for what you want your physical and sexual relationship to be and then chart your course to reach what you are looking for.

Thank you again. Kids will not be an issue (thankfully). My fiancee has none from her previous marriage and she can no longer have any. I appreciate the advice abourt working on the sex part. Fortunately, I think my fiancee wants sex a bit more often than I do (which is a first).

Let me also suggest that you find yourself some positive role models among men who have good long-term marriages and healthy sex lives with their wives. They are going to be your best resources for some practical "how-tos" on getting there yourself.

Best wishes to you in your new role.
.

Thanks again. I do have lots of positive married role models startinf with my parents (married 53 years) and a younger brother (married 20 years), neither of which, has ever gone out for some extracurricular activities. I quite certain of that.

[Woody]

npita,
1. Everyone is different. It's important that both of you in years to come continue to make the effort. If you put in the effort you will be rewarded.

2. The variety thrill is certainly up front. The reduction of sex at home can be due to a number of reasons that can include medical issues. Life will hand you some surprises from time to time. A reduction in sex at home does not necessarily equate to a reduction of love.

3. No & No

Good luck!

[Bestman200600]

Sex and affection or lack of can be big problems in a marriage. When your SO hits the change in life, it can wipe out her interest in doing anything.

[CassidyBlue]

Congrats on your engagement!

The absolute best piece of advice I can offer is..... NEVER stop kissing each other. Don't let the kisses you do have turn into just "pecks". Once the kissing goes, the passion goes out of the relationship.

Kissing is to me the most primary and intimate form of communication between two people, keep it a staple in your everyday lives. Once the kissing goes away the passion dwindles and eventually, the sex goes with it.

[Bestman200600]

Cassidy:

I totally agree with you on the kissing, specially if it is DFK.

[piquant2009]

Im like S P H It's allllll about the hunt
and the home life is just fine