Catholic Newbie Priest
A new priest at his first mess was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mess, he asked the Cardinal how he had done.
The Cardinal replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
The next Sunday, he took the Cardinal’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
- Sip the vodka; don’t gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not “beat his ass.”
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
- David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.
- When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
- We don’t refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
- When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, “Take this and eat it, it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
-The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the cherry.”
- The recommended grace before a meal is not “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.”
- There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
- And that “faggot wearing a red dress”…It’s the “Cardinal” whereas, me.
Sincerely,
The Cardinal Monsenior xxxxxxxx
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