Oldies but fairly goodies. I don't know too many Christmas jokes.
A few days after Christmas, Johnny's mother was listening to her son play with his new electric train set. She heard the train stop and her son said 'all you sons of bitches who are getting off, get the hell off now, and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on-get your asses on the train cause we're leaving right now.'
The mother went into the living room, 'Johnny! We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train but you must use nicer language.'
Two hours later, Her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope that you will ride with us again. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope that you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.'
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Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his dear old dad what to do.
"Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift. Simple."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a God damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a God damn electric train going around the tree. And when I go outside I better see a fucking bike leaning against the God damned garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, Dad, but I can't find the mother fucker!"
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What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
Their balls are only for decoration.
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Why doesn't Santa have any kids?
He only comes down chimneys...
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"All I got for Christmas was a sweater and a piece of pussy from my wife..."
"That's not so bad, you got the pussy!"
"Nah. They're both too big to fit me."
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Santa: "So little girl, what would you like for Christmas?"
Girl: "I want a Barbie Doll and a G.I. Joe."
Santa: "Doesn't Barbie always come with Ken?"
Girl: No, she only fakes it with Ken."
Christmas jokes!
Some people just don't have a sense of humor, I DO and APPRECIATE Others that DO
