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phatdaty · 03-29-2011, 10:04 AM

phatdaty · 03-29-2011, 10:08 AM

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. The bartender
tells him to take the alligator and leave. The man pleads
with the bartender that the alligator will do the most
amazing act on his stage if he and the alligator can stay
and can then have free drinks for the evening.

The bar owner agrees and man and the alligator move to the
stage. He places the alligator on a stool beside him and
proclaims "What I am about to do will be absolutely one of
the most incredible sights you will ever behold, but please
I beg you to hold your applause until after the performance,
as Daisy gets a little nervous by such loud noises." With
that being said, the man takes a rolled up newspaper and
WHACK across the alligator's head. The alligator responds
by slowly opening it's massive jaws. The crowd gasps.

The man then unzips his fly and lays his member atop the
animal tongue. Then once more WHACK across the alligator's
head. The alligator responds by SNAP closing his jaws
around the man's penis. The crowd is stunned there are
men going pale, women passing out. All the while, the man
gazes out with absolute confidence. Then finally once more
WHACK across the alligator's noggin with the newspaper.
The alligator responds by slowly opening his jaws once more.
There wasn't as much as a scrape on the man as his organ
had been resting between the staggered teeth of the animal.

The bartender, astonished, steps up onto the stage, and
shakes the man's hand. "That was truly amazing. Of course
you may stay." He then looks out at the dazed crowd and
asked "Is there anyone else in the room willing to do that?!!"

An effeminate man gently replied "Uh, I will, if he doesn't whack me over the head with that newspaper too hard."

phatdaty · 03-29-2011, 10:14 AM

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to every one's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

drsmooth1 · 03-30-2011, 07:20 PM

I've been laughing 15 minutes non-stop over that alligator bit. Not sure it get's any funnier.

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Sweet N Little · 03-30-2011, 08:21 PM

Man sitting at home on the lanai with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

----
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

DallasRain · 03-30-2011, 09:14 PM

lol--good ones.

my son sent me this one....

I went to the Pre-ejaculation Clinic today. The problem was that when I got there everyone was gone. I guess I came early.

Sweet N Little · 03-30-2011, 09:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DallasRain

lol--good ones.

my son sent me this one....

I went to the Pre-ejaculation Clinic today. The problem was that when I got there everyone was gone. I guess I came early.

LOL good one D/R
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."

Sami · 04-06-2011, 10:24 PM

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

Nina Rae · 04-07-2011, 09:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sweet N Little

LOL good one D/R
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."

That shit is fucking HILARIOUS! Love it!

Guest042413 · 04-07-2011, 01:12 PM

Obedient Wife:: There once was a man who worked very hard all his life. He saved every penny he made and was very stingy and prideful of his money.. Just before he died he made his wife promise that she would put all his money in a jar and bury it with him, he wanted it all to himself in his afterlife.. The old man died shortly after at the end of his service the obedient wife put a silver box in his casket.. The undertakers shut and locked the casket.. The womans friend was furious"Girl I know you did not put all that money in his casket".. The wife replied 'I prmised I cant go back on my word' 'You mean to tell me you really put all that money in the casket? I sure did said the wife..... I gathered up all the money put it in my account and wrote him a check....if he can cash it, he can spend it

Sami · 04-07-2011, 07:19 PM

lol good one

Quote:

Originally Posted by oLiViA88

Obedient Wife:: There once was a man who worked very hard all his life. He saved every penny he made and was very stingy and prideful of his money.. Just before he died he made his wife promise that she would put all his money in a jar and bury it with him, he wanted it all to himself in his afterlife.. The old man died shortly after at the end of his service the obedient wife put a silver box in his casket.. The undertakers shut and locked the casket.. The womans friend was furious"Girl I know you did not put all that money in his casket".. The wife replied 'I prmised I cant go back on my word' 'You mean to tell me you really put all that money in the casket? I sure did said the wife..... I gathered up all the money put it in my account and wrote him a check....if he can cash it, he can spend it

Marcus78 · 04-07-2011, 09:08 PM

What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?

----------> "Dam!"

Marcus78 · 04-07-2011, 09:13 PM

Okay, so that last one was corny. Here is one of my favorites:

What a Word

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and
all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw
her and began calling greetings to her "Hello, How are you! We've been
waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told
her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into
Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch
the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I
married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all around
the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I
fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in ?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word ?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ... there'll be Hell to pay
later.

Guest041811-2 · 04-10-2011, 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phatdaty

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. The bartender
tells him to take the alligator and leave. The man pleads
with the bartender that the alligator will do the most
amazing act on his stage if he and the alligator can stay
and can then have free drinks for the evening.

The bar owner agrees and man and the alligator move to the
stage. He places the alligator on a stool beside him and
proclaims "What I am about to do will be absolutely one of
the most incredible sights you will ever behold, but please
I beg you to hold your applause until after the performance,
as Daisy gets a little nervous by such loud noises." With
that being said, the man takes a rolled up newspaper and
WHACK across the alligator's head. The alligator responds
by slowly opening it's massive jaws. The crowd gasps.

The man then unzips his fly and lays his member atop the
animal tongue. Then once more WHACK across the alligator's
head. The alligator responds by SNAP closing his jaws
around the man's penis. The crowd is stunned there are
men going pale, women passing out. All the while, the man
gazes out with absolute confidence. Then finally once more
WHACK across the alligator's noggin with the newspaper.
The alligator responds by slowly opening his jaws once more.
There wasn't as much as a scrape on the man as his organ
had been resting between the staggered teeth of the animal.

The bartender, astonished, steps up onto the stage, and
shakes the man's hand. "That was truly amazing. Of course
you may stay." He then looks out at the dazed crowd and
asked "Is there anyone else in the room willing to do that?!!"

An effeminate man gently replied "Uh, I will, if he doesn't whack me over the head with that newspaper too hard."

That was awesome!

Guest041811-2 · 04-10-2011, 09:02 PM

Here's another cute gay joke. One that my gay friend told me!:

Three co-workers die in a plane crash. Their spouses meet a week later to discuss the final arrangements for their lovers. The first lady says, "My Bill loved to go fishing, and he was really good at it too. I'm going to have him cremated and spread his ashes at his favorite fishing destination." The other two listen attentively and silently nod their approval. The second lady then explains her plans. "My John loved mountain climbing and he was really good at it too. I'm going to have him cremated and spread his ashes at the last mountain he climbed." Her tearful statement was also met with support and approval.

Well the third spouse is a gay man. He says, "My Tommy wasn't really much of an outdoorsman...he was a lover. So I'm going to have him cremated and put his ashes in a pot of super spicy chilli."

The two ladies look at each other, and then him and ask in unison, "WHAT? WHY?!"

To which he cooly responds, "So I can eat him and he can tear my ass up again!"