Fighting the Guilt

[guyincognito]

I have only been a member here for three weeks and have yet to contact a provider by phone. I am dangerously close to getting my hobby phone, which, thanks to many posts here, saved me from doing something pretty dumb and use my own. I guess we would have called that a rookie mistake.

But the main issue I think I am going to have is the guilt I may feel after my first encounter. We all know why we do this, there are many reasons, and, clearly I have mine, but, how guilty am I going to feel if I already feel a little guilty right now, and, have not done anything wrong to my S.O., yet.

Will that feeling subside after I have broken the ice and had the privilege of experiencing one of the lovely ladies rochester has to offer? How did some of you deal with this? I assume some of our providers know how nervous/anxious a newbie is, so, how frustrated do you get having to deal with our issues?

As always, thanks for reading and helping.

Guy

[brutusbluto]

If you already have guilty feelings, I am not so sure that you will feel any less guilty during or after the fact. I assume your not trying to replace your SO, if thats the case then the hobby is the wrong place to do it.

[Micton]

Dude, Jymie has it right. If you are feeling guilty now it will be many, many times worse afterwards. Go get some counseling with your S.O. and forget about this stuff.

[Naughty James]

Guy...Being nervous about an encounter is one thing but feeling guilty is another. the nervousness is or should be the excitement of a new lady. Guilty feelings will eat at you and affect your relationship with the so.

[summerwaves]

Quite honestly, we are not here to deal with your guilt and personal issues. If we were, we would become psychologists. Don't misunderstand that most of us won't lend a sympathetic and understanding ear and even enjoy talking a little bit on a personal level BUT we like to have fun too and listening to issues just isn't fun (at least for me).

[cnym]

If you already feel Guilty, then take My advise and do not even start in this Hobby.
Figure it out with your SO.
Peace Brother

[Das Ubersoldat]

I'm luckier than most, as I have no S.O. to worry about. But I will agree with the general assessment so far. If you are feeling guilty over thoughts of cheating, then don't do it. You obviously care about your S.O. too much to proceed. Tell her nothing about your time here or what your plans were, but definately get couples counseling, because it seems to me that you feel there is something to save in your relationship.

[NormalBob]

Everyone has their own reasons for doing this and those with a S.O. have unique relationships.

Your combination is unique so without anyone knowing far more, you're not likely to get any advise that is tailored to your situation.

I'll offer the contrary view(s).

The guilt you're feeling may just be part of dealing with the unknown. You don't know what it will be like, how you'll feel during, how you'll feel afterward or if any of that will threaten your situation with your S.O.

The forum is here to exchange information about the hobby. I think its fine to ask this sort of stuff. Not everyone thinks that way though.

Having said that... I'd recommend getting some great marriage counseling. You'll find that getting clarity on your own needs and shortcomings within your relationship will be valuable no matter what you ultimately decide to do. Even after the counseling, take the time to really talk honestly with your S.O.

Hobbying is supposed to be fun. Guilt is not fun. Set yourself up so that if you proceed, you're going to have fun.

Good luck and if it comes down to it, Happy Hunting.

[BrookeButtons]

Like the others have stated, talk with your SO. You only joined a site and are feeling guilty, your only going to feel worse after the fact if you do set up an appointment. Best of luck!!!

[Laurentius]

I am of two minds on this.

Overall, there is really insufficient data.

In general, I favor doing what you can to fix things with your wife.

If you are just seeking variety, I'd recommend the book "Kosher Adultery." Don't worry about the title or that it is written by a Rabbi -- it is entirely pertinent to people who are not Jewish. It tells you how to get the variety you need by having an affair with your wife. I know the idea sounds preposterous, but our primordial drives are easily fooled, and what is outlined can work.

If you have substantial needs that are not being met; I would recommend that you read and consider the book "His needs, her needs" before doing something you can't undo. Quite often, wives will fail to meet a husband's needs because their own needs are not being met, and this book will show you how to discover your wife's needs, make sure they are met, and then talk to her about meeting yours.

Okay, that's my first mind.

But I don't know what is going on. For all I know, your wife is Satan incarnate makes your life a living hell every day, has refused all sex for 8 years and is holding access to your children hostage so you dare not even broach important topics.

So let's talk about guilt.

Guilt is not a reason, it is an emotion. And like all emotions, it can have a faulty basis or be based on faulty premises and beliefs.

I think you should examine the premises of your feelings of guilt; and check them to make sure they are valid. If they are not valid, then they should be replaced with new premises that are in keeping with reality; and your guilt will disappear.

I think you should keep in mind that promises are bilateral.

[ICEY_CAKEZ6969]

If you was haveing a affair spending time with a lady wine and dineing then that is something to feel guilty about..But getting what you want and going on about your biz hold your head up and go home and love the one you are with...but if your already feeling guilty then this probally aint for you..good luck and I hope all works out for you

[guyincognito]

Thanks all, for the information and opinions. I actually suggested counseling about a year ago and that idea was not as well received as I would have liked. She does not see our complete lack of excitement and variety when it comes to playing "Jenga" as an issue, just mine.

Other than the "Jenga", we are good, but, let's face it, that is an important game for men. So, I figured dabbling in this would be more beneficial than either leaving or having an affair, which would have an emotional component. So, I was thinking that playing "Jenga" with some of the providers might save my marriage, if that makes any sense at all.

And I would never expect a provider to be my sounding board. I just want to know how they would deal with someone who would be as nervous/excited as I know I would and will be when the time comes. Guys, how do you overcome that anxiety?

Just for kicks, about a week ago, I traveled to a spa, and, my heart was almost beating out of my chest. The only reason I did not go in was because the traffic near to it made me uncomfortable strolling in. Perhaps I should start with something like that before meeting a provider???

Thanks again all,

Guy

[Laker]

Guy,

There is much good advice here, and I am not sure I can add much. Will try though even though I don't have a clear idea what you are going through, but what you posted in your last thread did make the picture a bit clearer, as it sounds quite familiar.

If your situation is what it reads to be, it is a partial mirror to my own. With out going on alot, I hobby due to the fact that there is no physical activities at all in my home. Have tried all routes to make things happen at home, once in awhile there is for a very brief time, but then back to the normal, none.

I did as you mentioned thinking about trying, I went to spas, not alot, but when i had the chance. Then came the round of spa closures in the Roc area, so I went to see a couple ladies who I had known before and who had been suggested by board buddies, that had gone indy. I love the interaction of being with these ladies, have became friends with them, was and am able to talk with them about anything, and the result is my life at home is much better and the frustration of the lack of the physical at home is not the friction causing issue it was before.

Each of us has a different situation, have to deal with the emotions in our own way. Every man on here has his own reasons to be here, and every lady on here is a different human individual and offers different experiences. I have been lucky to find a few I have "clicked with" and jokingly call them my therapist, but in reality it must be true, as in my own experiences they have provided me with a therapy. They have at times been my "sounding board" and I have appreciated them all the more for it! Chat with some ladies here via pm's or emails, you will get the feelings from them which will give you an indication if she and you will have a successful experience if you both do make the decision to meet.

You will have to search your own soul, and do it thoroughly, as you know yourself the best. Take your time, don't rush your decision, and think it all out, before you do make your decisions.

[summerwaves]

That's the problem. She doesn't she it as an issue. Don't feel guilty.

She is not thinking of you, is she? I don't believe in straying and breaking promises, however, I also look at it this way, when a person withholds affection from a partner and doesn't attend to their partner's needs, they are breaking a promise.

I don't know what you are asking for along the lines of jenga. What you are asking for may just be too out there for her. If you are into some kind of fetish that you have been hiding from her, well, that's a whole other issue, and all I have to say is, you have to do what you have to do but it's too bad you didn't think twice before you married her. It's one thing when things go sour and it's quite another to withhold secrets before marriage. I'm just touching on a few possible issues. I don't know your situation.

[jackfengshui]

Guy, I can say with a clear conscience that I hobby to save my marriage. I no longer dwell on what I am not getting from my wife, but rather on the positive aspects of our marriage. It also helps that I remain a family man who is always home in the evening or on weekends, and I don't deprive my family of anything financially.