International Treat Levels
You all are probably familiar with US Threat Level Assessments but did you know:
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even
"A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in
1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized
from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who
are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level
from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two
more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron
of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in
the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of
escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In
the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a
strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No
worries" to "She'll be all right, mate". Three more escalation levels
remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"
and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of
the final escalation level.
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