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Guest082517 · 02-23-2010, 09:21 PM

Hi everyone,

Well i did it. I hobbyed again. What kills me is that I'm in a relationship, that is why I retired for over two years.
When I met her, for two years i never even remotely entertained the thought.
I had a fuck buddy (which i continued to be friends with) persistently asked that we did it for "old time sake" and I always said no.
My SO did lose her sex drive. We used to have sex all the time but it's now down to maybe twice a month. Although I love her and would not want to hurt her in anyway, i find myself desiring other women and finally could not control myself form doing the deed.
Please share your thoughts on this.

GneissGuy · 02-23-2010, 09:44 PM

You risk hurting her. She might hurt you if she finds out.

Never lose your paranoia if you're going to hobby. Weigh the risks. Figure out what's most important in your life. Decide what you will do.

Use caution all the time. Consider the risks of the hobby. Disease, assault, money, embarrassment, trouble with the SO, legal problems, divorce, effects on the kids, etc. Don't get stupid and become careless simply because you've gotten away with it so far.

You should always consider whether you should exit the hobby, but don't let it tear you up internally. Caution and proper decisions are good things. Self doubt, worry, and nagging fear is a bad thing.

If you hobby, enjoy yourself, don't be nervous. Just don't be stupid.

Dharma · 02-23-2010, 10:13 PM

Maybe you should ask yourself if you really want to be in the relationship. If things were fine and you never entertained the thought, Why now? Maybe hobbying is a sign that you feel the relationship has run it's course. Maybe you're just hopelessly addicted to beautiful women

vnurse · 02-24-2010, 12:18 AM

if you DO want to remain in the relationship, perhaps hobbying simply helps you get what you are missing. Scratches an itch, so to speak. Yes, if she found out, it would be bad but if you are miserable without the "physical part", that's not good either.

I like to think that hobbying is WAAAY better than looking for love in all the wrong places but that is simply my opinion.

What I can't stand are the guilt trips that people put on themselves or allow to BE put on them.

If you are going to hobby, then hobby and enjoy it. If you are going to be miserable, well, you are miserable anyway, right?

I'm just not a fan of guilt.

Guest030911 · 02-24-2010, 12:27 AM

Quote:

Don't mean to hurt SO

Yes, you did.

You decided your base need / addiction / whatever was more important than keeping your word. It is called impulse control.

Have you changed your mind that the vows you make to your wife are meaningful? Or did you not mean them at the time? She thought you meant them.

Bottom lime is: If you can't live with your own behavior, then change it.

Aidan MacKenna · 02-24-2010, 12:52 AM

Now wait just one minute... I've been married a couple of times and I feel very strongly that in most cases the hobby actually preserves marriages/relationships.

Maybe it is the birth of children, menopause, empty nest, cancer, etc. For one reason or another, women have ebbs and flows in their sexuality. Men who hobby but remain with their SO are actually showing how much they love their SO and will not let their desires to ruin their relationships. It shows he understands what she is going through and that he knows the ebb is only for a season and he is willing to hold on because at the end of the day he would rather be tucked into bed with the one he loves rather than the one who temporarily fulfills a desire.

I think it would be more hurtful to browbeat an SO into being sexual and fulfilling the desires and having her feed the said addiction. That would be the epitome of selfishness.

I'm just saying...

EmilyHemingway · 02-24-2010, 12:59 AM

Quote:

,,, and finally could not control myself form doing the deed.

I don't believe this for one second. Sorry, bud.

Quote:

Yes, you did.

You decided your base need / addiction / whatever was more important than keeping your word. It is called impulse control.

Have you changed your mind that the vows you make to your wife are meaningful? Or did you not mean them at the time? She thought you meant them.

Bottom lime is: If you can't live with your own behavior, then change it.

You go, Cpi. Very well said.

jfred · 02-24-2010, 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cpi3000

Yes, you did....

You're on the tough love track these days, aren't ya buddy?

Guest030911 · 02-24-2010, 10:32 AM

Been watching too much Dr. Phil.

GneissGuy · 02-24-2010, 10:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cpi3000

Have you changed your mind that the vows you make to your wife are meaningful? Or did you not mean them at the time? She thought you meant them.

Strangely enough, she doesn't think HER vows meant anything.

By the way, who said "wife?"

Gonzo DFW · 02-24-2010, 10:54 AM

IMHO, you need to quit asking what's wrong with you. You are who you are. Again IMHO, you only hurt yourself and others by being someone or something you are not. I'm a firm believer in what someone doesn't know doesn't hurt them. If you respect the SO but aren't getting your quiff quota, take care of that in a way that preserves your relationship. That's why this hobby exists.

gatewayloco · 02-24-2010, 10:57 AM

I know what you mean.........its a weird tough situation.

Hardallnight · 02-24-2010, 12:42 PM

There isn't an easy answer to this. My SO would be devastated if she found out about my hobbying. What's odd is that while single I rarely hobbied. Of course I was always broke after spending all my money on free pussy.

txcwby6 · 02-24-2010, 02:00 PM

It is what it is. You Hobby with Providers and the reasons you do so are yours and yours alone. "I have low self-esteem.....she's lost her interest in sex....the children take all of our energy away...I'm sooooo tired after working all day...she's sooooo tired after working all day////the spark's gone out...she won't try anything different...I want to try swinging and she's opposed....she said swinging sounds like a god idea dn now I'm freaked out about who's dick was that goin' in the other nite..." They're all good reasons, excuses and aologies for behavior that really doesn't need a lot of analysis.

If you enjoy sticking your thing inside a woman other than your wife or SO it really doesn't concern anyone other than you and the wife/SO. If you decide to keep it a secret I wish you good luck. It's usually the guys that feel guilty that end up screwing up and getting caught. Call being sexually attracted to available, beautiful women an addiction, curse or blessing it's one or the other for every man that does it. Personally, its a great outlet of tension & stress for me. I hate having my dick smelling like hand lotion all the time so Providers are a great luxury in my life.

fortwortholdguy · 02-24-2010, 02:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jas_vive

My SO did lose her sex drive. We used to have sex all the time but it's now down to maybe twice a month.

Can't understand why you would stay with any woman who only fucks twice a month. Is she rich thus allowing you to lead a couch potato existence?

When she cut you back to 3 or 4 times a week that's when you should have kicked her to the curb. Something is seriously wrong.