Full Disclosure

[jamais vu]

Is it possible to truly love someone while withholding information about yourself?

Recently, I've been going back and forth in my head with this issue. My escort days are fast approaching an end and I'm proud of where I've been. Being who I am has put me through school, financed my future and cultivated a worldly and self-aware young woman.

When I meet the man of my dreams, I can't imagine not telling him just how I became the dynamic person he's in love with. Other providers, how open are you? How open are you willing to be? What's attributing to your secrecy, or lack thereof? Do you ever regret it?

Single hobbyists, when/if you date again, will you tell her about your past? Those who are married, do you ever feel guilt?

And to everyone: Can you fully love while holding back?

[JDNorthface]

It's a fair question to be sure. And not one with which most every relationship hasn't dealt. I think in all fairness we need to draw a distinction between true "past" behaviors and "things we did in the past that we might still do in the future."

For example, if I used to be a hobbyist and still struggle with the temptation and my last fling was three weeks ago, I would have to be up front about that behavior as I enter into a relationship.

But if I hobbied briefly during the 1970's and haven't done it since, it's not an issue to be brought forward. If you've made peace with your past and moved on, these issues aren't relevant to the current context of the relationship.

So your question is, "can you fully love while holding back?" Probably not. If you feel the pressure of something you are having to "hold back" then honest and open communication is the only way to relieve the pressure. That having been said, I wouldn't be so committed to full disclosure that I confess every sin in my past to future relationships. Big mistake.

Good post.

[oden]

There are some things that are just best left oblique. If you truly love someone then knowledge of something that might cause strain, worry and psychological suffering is best left untold. If it might reappear in your life or cause issues that he must understand to be able to deal with some deep seated issues you have then you have a moral obligation to let him know what he is getting into.

For the most part, if it will not affect life in the future and doesn't add to the love and security of your partner then let it be.

[NinaBrooke]

Originally Posted by jamais vu

Is it possible to truly love someone while withholding information about yourself?


And to everyone: Can you fully love while holding back?

I vote for honesty. The truth has a way of sneaking out we all don`t really know. My men know who they are involved with. Hate being kept in the dark about things and i do not do so. With single (unmarried) clients turned into relationships it`s the easiest way. Other relationships most often fail . But i think other relationships fail too, even when not with escorts. Many married couples give each other the silent treatment or have taken refuge into the inner self. I know plenty of married guys - most often clients - who feel terribly alone. In my book - just because people are or stay together does not mean the relationship really is one. Many people stay together because they can`t imagine living without each other. The consequences of a loss are worse than the consequences of a lie or a discovered lie.

In my life i have the rule that i am honest about all agendas - however, if a lover has a problem with my job, we try to avoid discussions about it, or i don`t rub my shedule under his nose , so to speak. And if he has questions , i answer honestly. And many of my guys see escorts too. I know about that, but also prefer to not engage in story-telling, unless its some serious emotional involvement i need to know about (or it`s a threesome i need or want to be present ;-)....).

As to the question if married men who cheat feel guilt: It`s a different agenda, since cheating is embedded in our culture and as long as you keep it far enough away from your real life , it can be gone great lengths with the lies. But the men do feel guilt, most often if they maintain secret affairs that have gone emotional to a great extent. I think you must be pretty stone-cold and unemotional or extremely selfish to the extent of a psychopath to not feel guilt at all.

I know many providers who don`t tell about what they do, but i have never seen relationships like that go out well. In times of internet men find out easily. Plus, as i said before - the truth and the lies take its toll. I rather let the truth take its toll :-). In my private life i am surrounded by alternative lifestyle activists or people , who can - kind of - handle situations like that. So, its ok. But relationships aren`t easy nevertheless. I would be forever angry at someone, if i get "lied" to (and ommitting of facts that render me unable to make an informed decision counts as lie in my book). It is different if a client pays for secrecy,
than an escort getting paid. Two different agendas.

I don`t know if anyone of you knows "Coser" - he has written a few sociological books about the cleaning effects of secrecy for our society. It means - what is kept secret is disrespected and hidden because you want to apply to the "official" (most often mono - heteronormative rules and codes) within our society. Strictly speaking - Luhmann found that our society is based on communication, and this communication contains codes. Secrecy is one code for maintaining status within a special (preferred) social group. The truth has something revolting and challenging, and therefor according to "Coser" people who stick out of the context have to be forced back at all measures. This comes with "curing" or stigmatizing the opponents behaviour. Or right away stick to a lie out of fear of repression. The same way polyamorists have a code of conduct that contains the truth and telling a lie means being denied entry into certain societies, other - monogamous cultures - see it as a big offense to tell the truth, so they have institutions of moral hierarchies where you can conduct your bad behaviour but it is heavily censored in speaking about.

[John Bull]

With all due respect to Nina, my advice from watching the demi-monde for more years than you've been on the planet is: when you leave it, bury it and never resurrect it. Follow the cheating husbands dictum: deny! deny! deny!

[guest043013-2]

Originally Posted by John Bull

With all due respect to Nina, my advice from watching the demi-monde for more years than you've been on the planet is: when you leave it, bury it and never resurrect it. Follow the cheating husbands dictum: deny! deny! deny!

Nothing good will come of honesty, despite what we are told.

This is one of the best reasons for not showing your face, minimizing the digital footprints you leave in your path. For the ladies, I think it is a much harder path to follow, much harder to erase the impact, physically, emotionally, sexually, that this profession will have on you. And with the internet, the history, the pictures, your words, your reviews, may live on into eternity, or at least what we thin is eternity in this age of facebook, reality TV, and loss of privacy.

For the guys, our lies may be easier, our footsteps not as clear.

I have told myself, if I ever move on to a new lady, I will not return to this past time, I will break away cleanly. Can I do it? I don't know.

I once did a search on a certain DFW lady's name on google, images. I was surprised to find pictures of her from her first foray into this warped world. The changes in her appearance over the years are amazing, perhaps not as kind to her as she would like. (She is still an amazing lady, and very pretty) But the fact remains, there are pictures from as much as 6-7 years ago still digitally floating around in Al Gore's vision we call the world wide web.

If you know you are leaving soon, start reducing your digital footprint, prepare for that day. Whether you like it or not, it's going to hurt you in any not sexual career path you follow. Don't believe me, find the thread and read the article about the teacher fired for her prior life as a sex worker. I don't remember if it was in the main forums or in the DFW forums, but I am sure someone can drop a link to it here.

[flyinghillbilly]

Originally Posted by tigercat

Nothing good will come of honesty, despite what we are told.

This is one of the best reasons for not showing your face, minimizing the digital footprints you leave in your path. For the ladies, I think it is a much harder path to follow, much harder to erase the impact, physically, emotionally, sexually, that this profession will have on you. And with the internet, the history, the pictures, your words, your reviews, may live on into eternity, or at least what we thin is eternity in this age of facebook, reality TV, and loss of privacy.

For the guys, our lies may be easier, our footsteps not as clear.

I have told myself, if I ever move on to a new lady, I will not return to this past time, I will break away cleanly. Can I do it? I don't know.

I once did a search on a certain DFW lady's name on google, images. I was surprised to find pictures of her from her first foray into this warped world. The changes in her appearance over the years are amazing, perhaps not as kind to her as she would like. (She is still an amazing lady, and very pretty) But the fact remains, there are pictures from as much as 6-7 years ago still digitally floating around in Al Gore's vision we call the world wide web.

If you know you are leaving soon, start reducing your digital footprint, prepare for that day. Whether you like it or not, it's going to hurt you in any not sexual career path you follow. Don't believe me, find the thread and read the article about the teacher fired for her prior life as a sex worker. I don't remember if it was in the main forums or in the DFW forums, but I am sure someone can drop a link to it here.

I had an ATF that's been out of the biz for 3 years. She is married now. She was so sexy and fun to be with. I was playing around on the computer a while back and goggled her past working names and an old ecsort sight popped up.It had with her full body and face pictures !!! guess that could be a shocker for a hubby,BF,or your sons friends lol

[Laz]

If possible be honest. You never know if he will find out by accident and the damage will be bad if it happens that way. If it is not possible to be honest you probably need to question the relationship.

Whatever you do get rid of any websites you have had in the past. Knowing your past and having it available for anyone to see are very different things.

[NinaBrooke]

Originally Posted by John Bull

With all due respect to Nina, my advice from watching the demi-monde for more years than you've been on the planet is: when you leave it, bury it and never resurrect it. Follow the cheating husbands dictum: deny! deny! deny!

I think you are partially right, but it`s different when you have already left the demi-monde than when you are still participating. I think the past is no ones business anyhow. But the present is.

I have friends, too, that once where in the buz and when they entered a relationship that ended in marriage and now divorce ;-) they did not mention their past. There is good reason for it. But lying to a potential partner is in my eyes psychological rape. You force people to endure something they have a right to make a decision on. Since most people are mono, i assume they would have problems with these things.

I prefer to be single than to have to live in a lie. I don`t expect my relationships to work, in fact, i enter them with a negative attitude already, but sometimes people are brave enough to love me nevertheless ( and no - these ones are not the pimps ...... hehehehehe).

What i don`t like but have seen is that when people have sexual relationships with more than one person where not all those are involved know, but there is no protection like condoms used too. That is really shitty. So, speaking about this, honesty has more than just moral issues to it.

[NinaBrooke]

Originally Posted by tigercat

Nothing good will come of honesty, despite what we are told.

This is one of the best reasons for not showing your face, minimizing the digital footprints you leave in your path. .

WIth all due respect, but once you know a person, do you really think blurring faces does help? Unless you look like a stereotype there will be other distinctive impressions that make you recognisable. It is easy to find out people`s identity when they are careless, but it is not impossible to do so when they are more careful. Given the fact that most escorts prefer "real, natural" pics as opposed to fashion shootings (who are less easy to detect) it is even more easy.

As someone else mentioned, the picture thingies and the "old website" stuff is particularly annoying. I had to deal with these things too, and some websites just won`t delete history, or even answer mails. There are ways to handle that with a good SEO and codewords and time. But it`s still not comprehensible on why some escort pages don`t delete informations from 5 years back and stuff.

[London Rayne]

Yes, I do believe you can love someone without being totally honest about what you "used to do." It's much more understandable when women do this to pay bills vs. guys doing it just for self gratification..double standard sure, but also true. I don't believe in lying to the one I claim to love, but I do believe it's possible to love someone with all your heart so much so, you feel lying is the only way to keep them. Not my motto, but yes, it does exist.

[Naomi4u]

Originally Posted by John Bull

With all due respect to Nina, my advice from watching the demi-monde for more years than you've been on the planet is: when you leave it, bury it and never resurrect it. Follow the cheating husbands dictum: deny! deny! deny!

Smart Smart man.

[WTF]

Originally Posted by ninasastri

I think you are partially right, but it`s different when you have already left the demi-monde than when you are still participating. I think the past is no ones business anyhow. But the present is.

I think that is an important distinction...

Originally Posted by ZarahAdams

Smart Smart man.

Don't forget old old old...

Originally Posted by John Bull

my advice from watching the demi-monde for more years than you've been on the planet !

[WTF]

Originally Posted by London Rayne

It's much more understandable when women do this to pay bills vs. guys doing it just for self gratification...

Gotta disagree with this...both are exercises in self gratifications.

Now one could make an arguement that one is more long term than the other! LOL

Personally, I do not think people should have to justify their choices to anyone but your innerself but if you are having to, then you might be with the wrong life partner...that is just my humble view.

Originally Posted by London Rayne

I don't believe in lying to the one I claim to love, but I do believe it's possible to love someone with all your heart so much so, you feel lying is the only way to keep them. Not my motto, but yes, it does exist.

Reminds me of one of my favorite lyrics, "If ya can't be with the one you love, love the one your with...''

[London Rayne]

I am not saying one is better than the other, but ask any guy or girl who's dated in the hobby and you will see what I mean. A woman only doing it for the money who does not really enjoy it, is not pulled back to it when she is in love. It was only a job to her from jump.

Now, I am not talking about greed here that keeps women doing this no matter what, but a woman strictly doing it when she is single for the extra perks who would walk in a heartbeat if she found the one.

She has NO desire to turn tricks. OTOH, some guys who cheat will still cheat on any and every woman they are with regardless, because it was "true desire" that led him to do it in the first place...not desperation so to speak.

If a woman can walk away from this and never turn back when she is in love and a guy can't walk away from the desire to stray no matter what, which one is the more powerful force?e Money or Lust?

If I had to choose which one of these would be easier to let go of, it would be the hooker, because I know for most it's just a job and a temporary one at that. If I met a guy who was cheating on his wife with me, it would be very hard to ever believe he could be faithful to me or anyone else. Just sayin.