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Guest050911 · 03-29-2010, 11:00 PM

So,

Here's the deal... Playing today and she had a session with a person that did not respect her boundaries, and mucked her up kinda bad.

Not going to share details, for her safety.

My question - Have you had to deal with this and if so, how did you handle it? We ended up talking it out and the session went well. Hopefully she will let me play again.

I think I erred on the side of way too much info and not enough interaction. More of an academic approach. We will hopefully play again, as I think when she finds out how to put all that in it's place, she will be an excellent sub.

Thoughts?

ElisabethWhispers · 03-30-2010, 06:51 AM

Yes, it has happened to me but from the other side. I have been exploring "this" for a few years but when I was VERY new to trying out this lifestyle a man from the other board contacted me and told me how experienced he was.

We started a flirtation and he wanted to see me. This is how dumb I was, PPE. He convinced me that he was so experienced and that I would learn SO MUCH that I saw him for NO fee. Seriously. (I was so gullible and still am at times)

We met for lunch, first, and he seemed alright. We went to a hotel and he was rough (expected, no problem), stinky, no finesse, scared me, caused me to bleed from two different places (honest) and was overall HORRIBLE.

Then, he said that he would call me to make sure that I was alright and discuss what happened and of course, he never did. When ever I see him post in different places, my blood boils over and there isn't a damn thing that I can do about it.

When I spoke to a real dom about this situation, he said, "Welcome to what I have to deal with on a regular basis. We call these guys, "Suck my dick, bitch" types. All they do is knock you around and say, "Suck my dick". Which this is what he did.

I have VERY mixed emotions about finding the right dom to play with. You've heard MY stories which are nearly ALL negative.

I applaud others that contribute so wonderfully to this forum and would like to hear their stories.

I'm heartbroken that a woman had to go through that. (I wonder if it was the same man. He contacted me and I had never heard of him being dominate) At any rate, if I hadn't studied with a "domme" (she's my mentor), studied a ton of books and knew what I was ultimately looking for (which I still haven't found), then it would have turned me off forever.

This was a long post. But for others reading, I can honestly say that finding a dom to play with is an almost impossible task. To find someone who is a good fit is just tough.

I believe that in p4p one can scratch the surface. I'm make men happy being a dominate. But it's a process that takes a lot of time and effort from both parties and it's so rare that both are on an even playing scale and that's probably the first issue.

With doing this in the p4p world, I spend a TON of time talking over expectations and asking questions. I prefer to be over-prepared for expectations rather then under. There are ladies that I just KNOW do this more naturally and with a complete flare. I can tell by some of the writings just on this forum. I'm not so fluid but I have a good attitude.

But from a submissive perspective, there have been just a few experiences for me that have come close to absolutely perfect. Which is probably more then what others can state. Still, I don't think that is a really good statistic. (Remember, though, folks reading this ... I look in the real world for this activity for the most part, which is different)

Don't be too frustrated at this situation. Be kind to your new friend and just see what happens in the future. This world isn't for everybody to begin with.

And we all have different levels of curiosity.

I would like to hear other's take on this.

Hugs,
Elisabeth

charlestudor2005 · 03-30-2010, 06:52 AM

What??!! She had verbalized her boundaries, but never had a safe word???

If that's the case, sounds like they both violated Rule #1. When you play in this realm, always, always have a safe word.

ElisabethWhispers · 03-30-2010, 06:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by charlestudor2005

What??!! She had verbalized her boundaries, but never had a safe word???

If that's the case, sounds like they both violated Rule #1. When you play in this realm, always, always have a safe word.

I had a safe word in my situation above, but I didn't use it. What happens, Charles, and I can only speak for myself ... is if you're naturally being submissive in that moment and time (especially for pay) you tend to try to "tough it out". Heck, I wasn't being paid and I did it.

Plus, your mind is going all wacky and well, you don't THINK to use the safe word or "yellow". It's happened to me.

Of course, if she was completely new, she might not have even known about that. She probably did, though.

Elisabeth

MLisa · 03-30-2010, 07:19 AM

And Elizabeth you have probably hit on one of the core differences between a wannabe or training wheels dom and an actualized well developed dominant. They will usually pull back or push you to that very edge and then ever so slightly pull you back just a millimeter. Safe words are important and are discussed and I've used them or sounds like them once in awhile. But that was always with someone who was not my Dom and/or who I'd not played w/before.
So Charles don't get to upset about the supposed lack of a safe word. It can and does happen, that is why subs do depend upon the dominant to be doing their part as well ~ controlling the situation ~
PPE I hope things do work out well for your friend. I cant say anymore about that than you are already fully aware of.

loverman · 03-30-2010, 08:12 AM

Sometimes when I switch .I was always taught to check in with your sub every so often.not everyone is a masochist theres levels of pain some one can take. sometimes you can tell by their facial expressions a good Master should be aware of that. I get a lot of compliments on this but I think being on the other side of it helps develop your Dom skills . Loverman

Guest032514-1 · 03-30-2010, 08:39 AM

The wannabe's the wannabe's may they all rot.

I am sorry to hear that her trust was so violated, PPE.

Erred on too much info? Help me. You hit that wall and everything went all stop? From sensation to cerebral? (Play to academic/teaching?) Then you were able to get back into scene? And it went okay? Now you're not sure if she'll come back?

Right now there are so many divergent paths this could go. Your responsibility has just multiplied if you continue training. Do you want her or do you want to fix her? Or both?

Based on the info, if it were me and I wanted to continue training (for either reason), I would probably contact her and set up another session. A heart to heart session. Not a meet for coffee/drink, clothed in public let's talk BS. Subs seem to be more open while in sub mode. Probably would not do much play but more re-establish rules. And re-establish trust and well everything.

Start her training over. Go back to Generic 101. Give her what a responsible Dom owes a sub. To undo the damage, I would just start over. If you aren't willing or able to commit to that, I would find her another Dom you know and trust. If she is going to continue in scenes, she needs correction/correctives/correcting - however you look at it.

I don't know if that depth is your thing and no hassles if it's not.

The wannabe's are the main reason I am hesitant to do p4p sub. Cilla got a lot of flack here but I always admired her honesty,openness and courage to do what I wouldn't.

Rant starts now. Skip if you don't want to read it.

This subs experience, EW's experience are not uncommon.

A belt and a pair of cuffs never turn some idiot into a Dom or Master. Contracts, rules, safe words rely on a person's integrity. And their selflessness.

A TRUE Dom is the most unselfish of individuals. Any fucktard that does the "Kneel suck my dick/clit" is a damn whanker wannabe. Them; I would happily piss on.

Somebody gives you their body, their trust,in some cases heart mind and soul, and realistically their life. You are responsible for it. You are responsible for someone else's life. And you do whatever to get your jollies off. You are not a Dom, not nearly. You're just scum.

D/s is NOT about "whips and chains and helplessness and rape". To all who think that, stick to the porn and stay off the playing field.

End of Rant

Euphemia · 03-31-2010, 12:09 AM

Interesting post PPE. Where to start...

I am concerned that someone did not respect her wishes. This tells me that this person is not aware of this lifestyle. Regardless of the type of session, he was selfish. Seems to be a possible communication problem. I think subs in the P4P arena have to be so carefull with screening. But even with screening, there needs to be some level of trust...

I NEVER see someone the first time for a session. As a Dominant, I have to get a feeling from them, and I don't want that Oh, Shit moment to take place in a session where my safety is compromised. I can only imagine how this woman feels. She needs to build trust...

Safe word or no safe word, it is up to the Dom, to pay attetion to the sub and do frequent spot checks to make sure this person is ok. When the sub goes "wacky", they may not be able to voice their feelings and you have to know enough about this person to knowthe difference between good or bad...

Miss Sophie Bella · 03-31-2010, 11:50 AM

The situations described by EW and PPE are all too common. In both my personal play and in P4P I've had submissives who came with scars and baggage left by past partners that could have been prevented. Usually a break down in communication and a lack of expertise on the part of the Dom/me was to blame. There's also always the sadists who just don't care...

PPE, I think it was wise to start slowly and communicate, even if it is somewhat detrimental to the eroticism of the scene. Your primary interest here lies in building trust between the two of you and in teaching her what respectful and responsible behavior from her Dominant should look like. Self-respect, honesty and communicating needs and boundaries are all things I require out of my subs and are a significant part of their training. It's a method that sets them up for success in their future play and empowers them to choose good Dominants. Give her a roadmap so she understands what to look for in a play partner. I've found it helps to lessen the fear and anxiety the bad experiences have left behind.

In any case, she's in good hands now. Hope you two have fun

Ezmerelda · 04-03-2010, 06:23 AM

anyone can call himself a dom. I have found, most Dom's. dont have to label themself such. Had a fcuk once who hit me with a fcuking rowing oar. PPE. You know how small my bodyframe is, needless to say, he fcuked me up.

Elizabeth, You are correct in, How in situations we are in our natural submissive position. Tis why i seldom play the sub role except with those whom i totally trust anymore.

PPE, i know who You are talking about. Through time, and further play, she will let this bad experience run it's course.

Guest050911 · 04-03-2010, 12:01 PM

Ez Darling Shrink Wrapped goddess... LOL!

Thank you, I know I am one of the very few gifted with your trust, and it is highly valued...

I know we will help her, introducing her t others that know me and the hobby to help her find her way.... Thank you for your help in that process... We have an amazing group here...

PPE