Women Going Back Into Abusive Relationships?

[EZ.]

I was having a few beers with an old ASPD friend (Ragin Cajun) the other night and started talking about a little stripper that we both know. About a year ago, her boyfriend put her in the hospital. We're talking about broken bones. He told me that she had recently moved back in with him.

He brought up the fact that I used to teach self defense at a women's shelter over by the Dallas Zoo. That was a long time ago and hadn't thought about it in years. One of the women had her face mutilated with a carpet knife. I have seen some some bad things but this was horrific. Seeing her and because of her reaction to me being there, I never returned.

Back and forth, we kept bringing up women, that we knew, that had gone back into abusive, violent, situations or left one for another. I have never understood this.

[General Feuerbacher]

Human behavior is illogical a lot of the time.

[bored@home]

I'll bite, what's the question?

I have read the post forward and back along with the title looking for a question as the question mark implies but not finding one.

Not trying to be a dick on the topic but truthfully there will be no answer that satisfies on a logic level.

[EZ.]

Originally Posted by bored@home

I'll bite, what's the question?

I have read the post forward and back along with the title looking for a question as the question mark implies but not finding one.

Not trying to be a dick on the topic but truthfully there will be no answer that satisfies on a logic level.

I would like someone to explain why women go back or into other abusive relationships. It is obviously pretty common.

[Grace Preston]

Hospitals and doctors can treat the physical wounds. They can cast the broken bones. They can stitch the busted heads.

What they cannot do is fix their minds. The women who often find themselves in abusive relationships have issues with self esteem, issues with co-dependency, and are often nurturers who want to "fix" everything. Abusive men can sense these things and are able to exploit the qualities to keep women there.

There is also a serious fear component. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 65% of women who are killed as a result of domestic violence are killed AFTER they leave their abusers. A restraining order is nothing but a piece of paper... and there is nothing that the law can do until it is violated-- and one violation is enough to kill a person.

[Guest110416]

women that do that are more than likely brought up in a home where abuse of this nature is done and so they consider that normal. Also, they find security in that type of relationship so they tend to seek out guys who treat them like shit and abuse them. It is fucked up thinking, but that is the way it is.

[muffin101]

So kinda like growing up with a strict fatherly figure.

And the spanking evolved into beating?

[EZ.]

Originally Posted by GracePreston

Hospitals and doctors can treat the physical wounds. They can cast the broken bones. They can stitch the busted heads.

What they cannot do is fix their minds. The women who often find themselves in abusive relationships have issues with self esteem, issues with co-dependency, and are often nurturers who want to "fix" everything. Abusive men can sense these things and are able to exploit the qualities to keep women there.

There is also a serious fear component. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 65% of women who are killed as a result of domestic violence are killed AFTER they leave their abusers. A restraining order is nothing but a piece of paper... and there is nothing that the law can do until it is violated-- and one violation is enough to kill a person.

I saw the evidence of the broken bones and worse at the shelter. I hadn't thought about that place in years until my friend brought it up.

What really is difficult to understand is why these women leave one abuser and find one just like him. They chose this over someone that might help with self esteem issues.

Growing up in a large Cajun family, if somebody treated one of our women that way, they would be better off with the police.

[pyramider]

Doubtful being spancked as a brat leads to be being beaten as an adult being okay.

More like Stockholm Syndrome, its a survival skill .... plus low self esteem.

[pyramider]

Originally Posted by GracePreston

There is also a serious fear component. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 65% of women who are killed as a result of domestic violence are killed AFTER they leave their abusers. A restraining order is nothing but a piece of paper... and there is nothing that the law can do until it is violated-- and one violation is enough to kill a person.

The legal system is misdirected. Restraining orders only work on those that will follow the law. The other 99.99% of the asshats that have restraining orders issued to them could care less.

[EZ.]

Originally Posted by muffin101

So kinda like growing up with a strict fatherly figure.

And the spanking evolved into beating?

My father was very strict. We never called an adult by their first names. Everything was Yes Sir or No Sir. You didn't leave the table unless you were excused and talking back to an adult was unthinkable. I never got into trouble in school because I feared my father. No broken bones but black eyes, bloody lips and noses happened after we became teenagers.

I never hit one of my kids. I could drop the "eye" on them and behavior changed.

[TexTushHog]

Originally Posted by GracePreston

What they cannot do is fix their minds. The women who often find themselves in abusive relationships have issues with self esteem, issues with co-dependency, and are often nurturers who want to "fix" everything. Abusive men can sense these things and are able to exploit the qualities to keep women there.

"Codependency" is not recognized as a legitimate psychiatric diagnosis. It was considered for inclusing in the DSM-III but that effort was unsuccessful. No efforts were made to put it into the DSM-IV or the DSM-V. It is a "pop psych" term that doesn't seem to have any organic basis. It is arguably a healthy trait that is observed in normal families to varying degrees, but when it become too dominant, or is applied on non-family situations can lead to seemingly counter productive outcomes. In other words, it's more just a pattern of bad choices, but not an explanation for those choices. I had a case where I had to take about three depositions on that subject. (A diagnosis of so-call "codependency was actually a side show to the more significant part of the case, but I spent dozens of hours talking with multiple experts on this issues and studying the controversy in the field about the issue, etc.)

I wonder if attachment theory might provide a better template for analyzing the initial question. There has been some recent research that shows that there is a biological basis for the differences in attachment styles defined in the psychological literature. I don't think that an immature attachment style alone would cause this sort of continuous self-destructive behavior, but it might explain some aspect of it.

I looked some of this up, and found this link to have some basic, practical answers to the question.

http://www.crisisconnectioninc.org/d...men_return.htm

They basically can be summed up as lack of a support network outside of the abusive relationship. That is, at least in my mind, a failure of government institutions to provide that sort of temporary support structure. But, that's no surprise.

[Guest072720]

Originally Posted by EZ.

I would like someone to explain why women go back or into other abusive relationships. It is obviously pretty common.

This is a heavy topic. Although I'm not exactly sure why women seek out and continue to go back to abusive relationships. I will say :

Reason 1: Role models- As a little girl your father is suppose to be the first man you ever love , you grow up to be attracted to men like him. That being said ..if a girls daddy beat her ass silly just to end with "Im doing this because I love you" (I've heard plenty of stories like this) she might subconsciously fall in love with her abuser when she's an adult as well.

Reason 2 : on a much lighter scale!!
The way we are raised teaches us to be attracted to assholes.
In grade school when a boy was mean to you and pulled your hair or shot rubber bands at you across the room..that meant he liked you.

Just my thoughts

[pyramider]

Originally Posted by MsTaylorLong

Reason 2 : on a much lighter scale!!
The way we are raised teaches us to be attracted to assholes.
In grade school when a boy was mean to you and pulled your hair or shot rubber bands at you across the room..that meant he liked you.

Just my thoughts

That is exactly what they used to tell the boys, too. The more the little girl teased, hit, etc the more she liked you.

[Guest092216]

What makes people abusive in the first place? Its not just women who are abused.

While it is sad that anyone would willingly go back into a bad situation, its terrible that the abuse happens in the first place.

What makes someone want to abuse another person? That question gets you into a very slippery slope here since many activists against p4p will tell you that hobbyists are "abusers" of women and that providers are "victims" of abuse who also keep going back to their abusers.

Not saying I believe that but I have read that argument more than a few times.

The spin on that in this community though is that the women love the lifestyle or they can't do anything else so they have to do this or they stay because of a habit. Either way though the focus is never a victim/abuser scenario where as most of the outside world sees it as such.

In my opinion its more like what makes a drunk drink. What makes a theif steal? What makes a bully bully. Because they can and their internal filter doesn't work. Same with perpetual victims. They stay because they are getting something out of it they think they need: security, love, acceptance, family, financial well-being, etc, etc, etc...

I am more concerned with why people abuse in the first place. What makes someone else think that beating someone into submission is an acceptable form of communication this day in age. Why would someone need control over another grown adult?

Asking why they go back is a valid question but I wanna know why he beats her at all.