Batman
“He’s the most dangerous man in the galaxy“
- Superman, telling some Martians about Batman
Batman is a crime-fighting vigilante ninja detective who dresses up in bullet-proof armor, wears a gigantic black cape, hides in the darkest corners of the city, and then sneak-attack face-kicks the world’s most sadistic criminal douchebags until every felon in the tri-state area is passed out unconscious in a Gotham City Prison complaining about how they’ve got concussions so bad that their brains are leaking out their noses. He’s one of comics’ most beloved, longest-running, and badass superheroes, an ultra-genius master of stealth and hand-to-hand combat, and a man so over-the-top hardcore that the mere mention of his name has been known to cause incontinence among the seedier members of human society.
For starters, Batman is the one of the world’s most successful superheroes – a fact that is especially notable in that he’s managed to somehow attain that lofty status despite the notable handicap that he does not seem to possess any kind of superhuman power whatsoever (unless of course you count being insanely rich as a superpower, but I would argue that having a lot of money doesn’t always necessarily mean that you are inherently awesome – for examples to illustrate this point, please watch ten minutes of any reality television program). He doesn’t leap tall buildings in a single bound. He doesn’t morph into Truck Mode. He can’t fold F-14s in half with his mind or shoot magic fireball cupcakes out of his crotch whenever he opens the fly of his custom-fitted quartz codpiece. Hell, I don’t even think he can do that shit where David Copperfield saws some chick in half and then puts her back together again with magic/surgery. He’s just a regular guy who as a child, saw his parents get violently out-of-control murdered by street trash right in front of him, and who logically decided that the appropriate response to this was to devote the rest of his life to becoming a one-man wrecking ball of vigilante fucking justice. Without the assistance of Gamma Rays or Radioactive Spider bites, the larynx-collapsing, darkly-troubled billionaire known as Bruce Wayne honed his body into the ultimate instrument of criminal mutilation – and even though he’s been uncomfortably successful in his endless quest for revenge against Gotham City’s criminal element, in the end all this regular Joe has to go on is his own innate skill, whatever crazy motherfucking gadgets he can come up with, and the knowledge that no matter what happens to him he can always find solace in his infinite number of Italian sports cars, private jets, hot women, and Olympic-sized swimming pools his limitless funds can afford (i.e. all of them).
Now, this lack of mutant healing factor, X-ray heat vision, and go-go-Gadget legs is impressive not only because it means that Batman is the only member admitted into the Justice League of America who can’t bench press an automobile or rip concrete in half with his fists, but because this guy also routinely goes up against super-powered mega-freaks like Man-Bat, Killer Croc, and Clayface and pummels their skank asses into hair, mud, and/or scale-covered fail-sludge on a fairly regular basis using only his badass ninja face-punch skills and his innate ability to turn basically invisible any time there’s a shadow within three miles of his location. Sure, there are plenty of ordinary, run-of-the-mill homicidal, mostly-human insane criminal psychopaths like the Joker, Two-Face, and the Penguin in Batman’s rogues’ gallery of “people I’ve beaten the fuck out of like a hundred times”, but then again there’s also that time that the entire Justice League of America was kidnapped and tortured by shape-shifting Martians and Batman had to travel to Mars and single-handedly kick the holy living shit balls out of every living thing on the planet in order to rescue his friends. Honestly, in the end it really doesn’t matter what sadistic intergalactic hellspawn you throw at this guy – if that mandible-laden green demonkin monster doesn’t abide by the Gotham City Municipal Penal Code the God Damned Batman is going to drop down from the roof and flying roundhouse kick that motherfucker in the back of the head until its skull explodes out whatever orifice it uses for a mouth, and when he’s finished with that he’s going to go off and hook up with a vast assortment of beautiful women in the backseat of an armor-plated rocket car without giving the mostly-dead monster’s incarcerated ass a second thought.
Oh, and it’s worth noting that in the cases where the horrible evil villain happens to be a woman (such as the Catwoman or Poison Ivy), Batman first makes out with them (because it’s required for him to make out with every hot babe that appears in his comics), and THEN beats them to a pulp and throws them into a fucking Asylum so they can sit around in a straight jacket all day thinking about how dreamy the Batman is and how they can’t wait to get kicked in the head by him again.
read more..
http://www.boomtron.com/2011/07/bada...e-week-batman/
Badass of the Week: Batman
