The Unsuccessful Long-Term Hobby Relationship

[Whispers]

Originally Posted by Bobave

Dude, I understand your first response, I had it too. But then after about 10 seconds (before I posted myself), I realized he was doing Z a favor, Z needs to let go emotionally (BIG TIME!). Monk is reminding him of the realities of this situation. She's a ... whore... hard stuff, but Z needs the reminder... obviously..

No..... Z didn't/doesn't need the reminder.... Too many of you are reading more into the post than is there in regards to Z's frame of mind at the end of the relationship, since then and when writing the post....

We've been friends for a lot of years.... over those years I've been aware of the relationship and we've had a number of discussions. For a long time I felt she had a bit more control than I would have let a whore have in my life but there was many a happy moment for the two it seemed.....

I don't believe there were any periods of time when he deluded himself or held onto a belief there was something more there than actually was.

he never stopped seeing others because of her or at her wishes.... I know she was annoyed with me a few times over the years as I would call and have an extra girl on my hands that he would step up and relive me of her..... We partied a lot with a lot of ladies... We double dated taking ladies to dinner, shows and clubbing and her position in his life only impacted their one day a week.....

I was aware of the coming confrontation before, during and immediately after.... He never seemed sad or angry.... Just a bit "matter of fact", wanting to know where the truth lie.... and he had a little fun with the confrontation and ending playing it out totally on his terms.... Something she probably never saw from him.

I don't believe he is a hurt or heart broken man over this in regards to the loss of a "love interest"...

If there was ever two people that should have been able to be open and honest with each other they certainly should have. I think it's more about the belief that someone is a good friend and that he felt he could always be open and honest and that she was doing the same.

Had she came to him a few years ago and told him she met someone, fell in love and was taking him as a domestic partner I believe Z would have congratulated her and continued to see her every Tuesday since without a change....

She was a damn good whore....

[Still Looking]

In The Words Of SIXX:


The good ones never stay for long, and the bad ones never fucking go away....

[Ltm666]

Originally Posted by GingerLyn Harte

Too many men AND women lose sight of what we are here to do. A relationship that begins in the hobby will always be a hobby relationship.

You are absolutely correct GingerLyn, and 50% complete.
The rest of the story is very similar, but told by non-hobby people who lived the same drama, though they never paid cash for it. And they probably had a lot less sex.

[Unique_Carpenter]

Originally Posted by GingerLyn Harte

Too many men AND women lose sight of what we are here to do. A relationship that begins in the hobby will always be a hobby relationship.

True, although some (guys and gals) sometimes think it's a variation of Plenty of Fish with a bit of cash.
The issue in this thread is that the two folks had different perspectives.
But still, a decade long run, is a long run, and that's something in itself.

[Still Looking]

Originally Posted by Unique_Carpenter

True, although some (guys and gals) sometimes think it's a variation of Plenty of Fish with a bit of cash.
The issue in this thread is that the two folks had different perspectives.
But still, a decade long run, is a long run, and that's something in itself.

Damn it they left the gate open in KCM again. Now I need to go close it.

Welcome UC

[Unique_Carpenter]

Originally Posted by Still Looking

Damn it they left the gate open in KCM again. Now I need to go close it.
Welcome UC

Thank you SL.
I can jump gates, so close it, if it would keep TT out.

[Old-T]

Originally Posted by Whispers

If there was ever two people that should have been able to be open and honest with each other they certainly should have. I think it's more about the belief that someone is a good friend and that he felt he could always be open and honest and that she was doing the same.

Had she came to him a few years ago and told him she met someone, fell in love and was taking him as a domestic partner I believe Z would have congratulated her and continued to see her every Tuesday since without a change....

I think that is the issue--is the honesty there in both directions. I have had four relationships that exceeded a decade--all different. Three of the four had that two-way openness/honesty, and with it we successfully navigated some very major changes successfully.

One wound up going down a similar path to what Z described, and exactly as Whispers said, it was the lack of honesty when we supposedly had it that made everything fail in the end. I could easily have accepted her live-in BF, and either kept seeing her or not as she felt comfortable. But she was not up front about it.

Too bad, she was a great person to know. In contrast, another one of the four told me when she was getting serious about a guy. We stopped sleeping together at that point. She asked for advice when he asked her to marry him, and asked me to give her away because she was seriously estranged from an abusive father. We are still friends and I have dinner at their place a few times a year.

People and relationships that evolve from the starting point in this corner of the world can be amazingly variable and adaptable--but only if both people are willing and able to talk openly and come to a common understanding of what the new/changed rules are.

[Still Looking]

Originally Posted by Unique_Carpenter

Thank you SL.
I can jump gates, so close it, if it would keep TT out.

Could keep him... in. Hummmmm I'm thincking...nah I don't want all my friends there pissed at me. LOL

[Parsifal]

It's a great reminder of what is so important to remember in the hobby - we have arrangements, but NOT relationships in the hobby for a reason. Crossing the line into RW emotions is a dangerous game, and I have fallen into that trap myself a time or two.

It's a tough balance to maintain - you want the intimacy and passion of a RW relationship with a woman that knows what she's doing in bed, is open to all of your crazy kinks, and never judges you or shames you for your proclivities.

In short...we want the Unicorn.

That being said, I don't want to become jaded and have my guard up so high with an ATF that I miss out on some amazingly good times with her, BCD and otherwise. I'm sure I'll get burned from time to time - it's inevitable in the hobby, but I'll finish with more wins than losses.

Thanks for the post, Z ...it took guts to make it.