nothing reply anything you want

[montana1958]

The English department at the University of Buffalo was sponsoring a student-teacher limerick contest.

The rules were simple: Each contestant will be given the same word, and they had 30 seonds to use it in a limerick.
The contest went on for about an hour when it was narrowed down to two remaining contestants: An English professor with tenure, and a freshmen, Rastus Johnson.
While Rastus was offstage the professor was given 30 seconds to compose a limerick using the word 'Timbuktu'. It looked like he wasn't going to come up with anything. At the last moment he hit the buzzer, the professor smiled, and recited his limerick:

Miles and miles of drifting sand,
serpantine caravan,
camels marching two by two,
destination Timbuktu.

The crowd applauded wildly for the professor, they knew it would be hard for young Rastus to come up with a limerick using 'Timbuktu'. You could see the look of fear in Rastus's eyes before he heard the word was 'Timbuktu', but with no hesitation, Rastus hit the buzzer and recited his limerick:

Tim and I a camping went,
met three maidens in a tent,
they were three and we were two,
I bucked one and "Tim buktu".

[offshoredrilling]

The Devil and the Cub Fan

------------------------------------------------

This one is mainly for long suffering Chicago Cub fans, but all
baseball fans should be able to appreciate it.
------------------------------------------------
A really bad Chicagoan died and was immediately dispatched to Hell. The
Devil made him a personal case. The man was given a sledgehammer and was
instructed to break up rocks. The Devil provided a blazing Sun as he
turned up both the heat and humidity to 100. The Devil then departed to
tend to his other wards.

Three days later the Devil returned and found the man grinning and
whistling a happy tune as he toiled on the rock pile. The Devil asked,
“Why the good mood? You should be miserable.” The man answered, “Gotta
love it! It feels just like the bleachers at Wrigley Field in late July!”

So the Devil lowered the temperature to 35°, turned up the wind speed to
45 mph and called forth a driving rain. Rippling pools of cold water
quickly swarmed around islands of slimy mud. He then left the man to deal
with the new situation.

The next day the Devil returned to discover the man with an even bigger
smile as he sang a cheerful song in rhythm to his hammer strokes. The
Devil asked, “How could you still be happy in these horrid conditions?”
The man explained, “This is really great! Just like opening day at Wrigley
Field!”

The Devil became furious. He turned the temperature down to 30° below zero
and called forth a truly fierce blizzard of howling wind and unrelenting
snowfall. As he walked away he began chuckling loudly to demonstrate his
renewed confidence that the man’s spirit would become thoroughly broken.

The Devil was so anxious to hear the man pleading for mercy that he
returned in just a few hours. Huge snowdrifts were piled high across a
scene of frigid desolation. What he found to his utter amazement was the
man whooping it up with cries of joy as he twirled and juggled his
sledgehammer as though it were a drum major’s baton. The Devil was
stunned. He asked in a rage, “How could you be so ecstatic amid such
awfulness?” The man replied, “Whoopee! Hell has frozen over!! That means –
the Cubs have won the World Series!!!”

[cnym]

I just loved this one!


After an amazing hot 69 with his girlfriend, Paul remembered he had a
dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed
his teeth 7 times used dental floss 8 times and on top of that 2 liters of
Listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 5 strong mints. His turn
came up and the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident and
relaxed he opened his mouth wide.

The dentist got close enough and said "man did you have a 69 before you came
here?" Paul, shocked says "does my breath smell like pussy?"


The dentist says "no but your forehead smells like ass"!!!

[cnym]

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at our country club last night by 1 point.

Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.

[cnym]

Stupid question... Excellent response!

For those that don't know Major General Peter Cosgrove, this gentleman is an Australian.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Please follow his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocastwent silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.

[offshoredrilling]

DOORMATS (link)

this one may a good choise for upstate

[Das Ubersoldat]

Originally Posted by cnym

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

Not according to Snopes... http://www.snopes.com/military/reinwald.asp

But it is still a funny line!

[Dirigible]

A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress. "You can't wear white." Reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin," says the bride.

"Impossible," says the sales clerk.

"Unfortunately not," the bride explained; "My first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist, all he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him."

[Guest091813]

Im blind after the large colored print...so all i can come up with right now...is this......


who dropped your chocolate into my Peanut Butter????????

Dammit next time use a spoon!!!!!!!!

[offshoredrilling]

[cnym]

Telephone rings at night...
Husband:"If its for me then say that I am not at home"
Wife answers:"He is at home"
Husband:"What the hell?"
Wife: ''It was for me'!!

[offshoredrilling]

[offshoredrilling]

[offshoredrilling]

[Dirigible]