Women Going Back Into Abusive Relationships?

[EZ.]

WB, I'm going to have to think about that. I'm trying to imagine a woman pushing someone to that point.

Willow, several friends killed? You have friends that are attracted to the kind of guys that will hit women. Real men don't hit women. I can't understand why good looking women are attracted.

[pyramider]

They like the bad boyz.

[ATM]

I was raised in a house that taught me that women were never to be treated heavy handed by a man because they were fragile. My ex wives younger sister was attracted to men that beat her. In that family they were exposed to physical abuse the father I was told beat the mother and then the older brother beat the mother. Needless to say my marriage ended in divorce. Thank God.

[Guest070818-1]

My own mother was a victim of physical and mental abuse.

To this very day, I have never seen my mother wear a short sleeve shirt.

My mother's first husband tried to gut her like a pig - He cut both her arms wide open from her armpits to her wrists, and then cut her clean across her stomach.

He tried to kill her.

As a result, her abuse affected me deeply whilst I was growing up - My mother seldom told me I was beautiful, and instead, taught me that the world was filled with violence men, and men with sexual intentions. I had a very low self-esteem as a child.

As I got older, I learned that she was sexually abused by her own beloved family member. No wonder she told me those things. She was trying to protect me.

Turning the tables . . .

My father (my mother's second husband) loved my mother will all his heart. Even though they divorced, my father still professes that he loved my mother to this very day. Unfortunately, my mother never got over her abuse to realize this.

When they were together - My mother would talk down to my father like a dog. Actually, lower than that. Dirt really. The things she could say could definitely tear a person down.

One day, my mother saw that her words couldn't break down my father, and so she raised her hands and slapped him. To my mother's surprise and bewilderment - my father broke down and cried.

My father is the strongest man I've ever known.

When this happened, I was five years old and I remember this like it happened yesterday. There are just some memories that burn into the soul.

--------------

Fortunately, I have never dealt with abuse in such way that it cuts you, breaks you, bruises you, and scars you for life. Well, at least not the physical, but definitely the mental. We all have scars on the inside, and people's words can sting just like salt on an open wound.

When I was a senior in highschool, I was in a relationship with a man who was ten years older than me. It was a mentally straining, tiring, and an extremely negative relationship. He would often do things to make me feel so low. Thinking about how naive I was at that age, I guess I was just in love with "being in love".

Nevertheless, I can remember my last straw with him like it was yesterday. He grabbed my arms really, really tight and shook me violently like I was a lifeless doll. He would've had his best opportunity to punch me right then and there, but he wasn't coward enough to do it. After that happened, I left him and his negativity and never looked back. Enough, was fucking enough.

Thinking back on it, I believe I stayed with him because I thought I could love him, just like how I loved my mother after her verbally abusive, usually drunken stupors. No matter what nasty things my ex would say to me, I still wanted to reach out and love him in hopes that my love would change him.

Deep inside of a woman, it is natural to nurture something in that is hurt and is in distress. I'm pretty sure that the women who stay with abusive men strongly hold onto the belief that someday he will change and put his fist down.

Also, there are still a lot of families who don't even acknowledge physical abuse/family violence.

In some religions, cultures, traditions, and mindsets, it is custom for a man to have the literal "upperhand" on his wife. Also, there are many mothers, grandmothers, aunts, friends and sisters who will simply turn the other cheek to the abused and say, "Honey, that wasn't so bad. Just suck it up, you can take a couple of hits like I have".

My mother was one of those victims. Her own parents/family disregard her abusive first husband because, all because he had a good job. She could take a fist, or a blade.

[EZ.]

BSB, we are worlds apart. I have two son-in-laws, there is no doubt, in their minds, that if they treated one of my daughters, like your mother, I would kill them. I'm not sure how safe they would be with their own fathers.

"Her own parents/family disregard her abusive first husband because, all because he had a good job. She could take a fist, or a blade." That is not the culture I was raised in. I lived with my ex 7 years after that marriage was dead because I wouldn't leave my daughters. I left the same day my youngest moved out. The opposite of love isn't hate but apathy and that is how I felt about her. I wasn't verbally abusive and never put my hands on her. I know that she was aware of some of my outside interests.

"my father broke down and cried." Men that are not capable of emotion are not worth having.

The Cajuns are a friendly, inclusive lot. Mistress comes from the French. Menage e trois is French and then there is the French kiss. We still remain family oriented. You mess with one family member and you will have to deal with the rest.

[Guest092216]

BSB, you never cease to amaze. That was truly touching to read and I admire your perspective especially from a lady as young as you.

There is something very interesting that I read in your post that I hope doesn't get overlooked. You addressed the reality that after suffering abuse, your mother didn't think she was worthy of a good man's love and proper treatment. I think a lot of people in shitty relationships (not just physically abusive but all kinds of dysfunction) lose sight of how their own self-worth plays a part in who they find themselves involved with. They get hooked on how they think they should be treated or stuck in a mindset that they don't deserve better because of their own demons and guilt. That is an almost unbreakable trait bc it's so engrained into every second of thought and every detail of action that its barely noticeable at all.

[Guest030521]

Being in a few abusive relationships in my past, found it hard to leave the first relationship after the abuse began. I believed i stayed because i didnt want my son to miss out knowing his father. I thought that as long as he never abused the child i could withstand the beatings. but i left the relationship shortly after 3 months of having or son. When he hit me while i was holding our child that was it for me.

A lot of us women that go back into abusive relationships feel that it was an isolated incident and that he will never do it again and believe all the promises he tells us. This is because a lot of times we remember the good times before the abuse and believe he can change. This was my thinking before i actually started loving myself and began believing that I DESERVED better.

I feel that there are some guys that grew up seeing their fathers abuse their mothers and this is how the feel a relationship should go. Others i believe are just insecure bastards that have control issues. I know that the reason for returning are different for every woman but this is what i believe is a lot of the reasons we go back due the the group therapies I have attended.

If you are a lady that is in an abusive relationship please know that it will never stop and that there is always help out there for you to start over. We as women need to start loving ourselves first over any many and believe that we are worth it and deserve better.

My two pennies.

Smooches
Anastasia

[EZ.]

Originally Posted by SexyAnastasia

I know that the reason for returning are different for every woman but this is what i believe is a lot of the reasons we go back due the the group therapies I have attended.

Anastasia, Why do women pick out another abusive guy, like the last one? I know one girl that had three in a row and two put her in the hospital.

[Guest030521]

That E.Z. i can not tell you. But i will say that I never thought my sons dad would become abusive because of the stories he told me about his father and his child hood. I choose to break that cycle with my son.

But in my experience my two abusers never showed signs of being abusive. All of that surfaced after being together for a period of time. i guess with men like that the play the sweet, charming and loving role until they get you to fall for them. that is when the breaking of your spirit, your emotional and mental state begin. Once they make you feel like complete and utter shit then they start the physical abuse.

Now I know what signs to look for when it comes to dating and starting a relationship with a gentleman. But i have also learned that there are women out there that enjoy this type of relationship because that is how they were raised or they feel that it is the only way a man can show love. It's very sick and twisted.

I am a product of an abusive marriage, but my mom left. With that happening my father disappeared out of my life when I was five. I feel that alot of my issues with my abusive relationships was that i was looking for love in a man because i was trying to fill that void my dad left. But I eventually discovered that i needed to love myself first and that is what most women in abusive relationships cant seem to do because of the man they are with breaks them down so low. This is a sad but vicious truth in our world and it is a shame that many women lose their lives when they do leave so i figure some women find it easier to stay.

[EZ.]

Originally Posted by SexyAnastasia

That E.Z. i can not tell you. But i will say that I never thought my sons dad would become abusive because of the stories he told me about his father and his child hood. I choose to break that cycle with my son.

But in my experience my two abusers never showed signs of being abusive. All of that surfaced after being together for a period of time. i guess with men like that the play the sweet, charming and loving role until they get you to fall for them. that is when the breaking of your spirit, your emotional and mental state begin. Once they make you feel like complete and utter shit then they start the physical abuse.

Now I know what signs to look for when it comes to dating and starting a relationship with a gentleman. But i have also learned that there are women out there that enjoy this type of relationship because that is how they were raised or they feel that it is the only way a man can show love. It's very sick and twisted.

I am a product of an abusive marriage, but my mom left. With that happening my father disappeared out of my life when I was five. I feel that alot of my issues with my abusive relationships was that i was looking for love in a man because i was trying to fill that void my dad left. But I eventually discovered that i needed to love myself first and that is what most women in abusive relationships cant seem to do because of the man they are with breaks them down so low. This is a sad but vicious truth in our world and it is a shame that many women lose their lives when they do leave so i figure some women find it easier to stay.

Going back to what woodyboyd wrote, maybe the women that select this type of man also have learned how to bring it out in him. A guy, like me, is going to terminate a relationship with that kind of woman.

[Eva Damita]

From experiences with family members, some folks do anything just to not lay in bed and sleep alone at night. Self Esteem low in thinking no other man can love her like he does. Love this thread because it's simply a question yet has complex angles, answers and specifics to equip those abused currently to change....to look at the (wo)man in the mirror

[JustCause]

Originally Posted by pyramider

?..Restraining orders only work on those that will follow the law.

It's like putting a collar on a snake. It slides right of their slimy ass.

[L.A.]

Originally Posted by BrownSugarBaby

My own mother was a victim of physical and mental abuse.

To this very day, I have never seen my mother wear a short sleeve shirt.

My mother's first husband tried to gut her like a pig - He cut both her arms wide open from her armpits to her wrists, and then cut her clean across her stomach.

He tried to kill her.

As a result, her abuse affected me deeply whilst I was growing up - My mother seldom told me I was beautiful, and instead, taught me that the world was filled with violence men, and men with sexual intentions. I had a very low self-esteem as a child.

As I got older, I learned that she was sexually abused by her own beloved family member. No wonder she told me those things. She was trying to protect me.

Turning the tables . . .

My father (my mother's second husband) loved my mother will all his heart. Even though they divorced, my father still professes that he loved my mother to this very day. Unfortunately, my mother never got over her abuse to realize this.

When they were together - My mother would talk down to my father like a dog. Actually, lower than that. Dirt really. The things she could say could definitely tear a person down.

One day, my mother saw that her words couldn't break down my father, and so she raised her hands and slapped him. To my mother's surprise and bewilderment - my father broke down and cried.

My father is the strongest man I've ever known.

When this happened, I was five years old and I remember this like it happened yesterday. There are just some memories that burn into the soul.

--------------

Fortunately, I have never dealt with abuse in such way that it cuts you, breaks you, bruises you, and scars you for life. Well, at least not the physical, but definitely the mental. We all have scars on the inside, and people's words can sting just like salt on an open wound.

When I was a senior in highschool, I was in a relationship with a man who was ten years older than me. It was a mentally straining, tiring, and an extremely negative relationship. He would often do things to make me feel so low. Thinking about how naive I was at that age, I guess I was just in love with "being in love".

Nevertheless, I can remember my last straw with him like it was yesterday. He grabbed my arms really, really tight and shook me violently like I was a lifeless doll. He would've had his best opportunity to punch me right then and there, but he wasn't coward enough to do it. After that happened, I left him and his negativity and never looked back. Enough, was fucking enough.

Thinking back on it, I believe I stayed with him because I thought I could love him, just like how I loved my mother after her verbally abusive, usually drunken stupors. No matter what nasty things my ex would say to me, I still wanted to reach out and love him in hopes that my love would change him.

Deep inside of a woman, it is natural to nurture something in that is hurt and is in distress. I'm pretty sure that the women who stay with abusive men strongly hold onto the belief that someday he will change and put his fist down.

Also, there are still a lot of families who don't even acknowledge physical abuse/family violence.

In some religions, cultures, traditions, and mindsets, it is custom for a man to have the literal "upperhand" on his wife. Also, there are many mothers, grandmothers, aunts, friends and sisters who will simply turn the other cheek to the abused and say, "Honey, that wasn't so bad. Just suck it up, you can take a couple of hits like I have".

My mother was one of those victims. Her own parents/family disregard her abusive first husband because, all because he had a good job. She could take a fist, or a blade.

BSB....thank you for sharing something so personal with us. I don't really know what else to say other than thank you.