   
If They Only Knew
A MUST-READ for All Hobbyists
If They Only Knew!… I’ve been a GFE Provider for some time now. I have about 10 pages of reviews on TER, with an average rating of Appearance 10, Perferomance 9. The lowest appearance rating I've ever had was a 9. The lowest performance rating is an 8 (and I've only had 3 8's out of the entire 10 pages) . I travel through an agency, usually 2 to 3 times a month. So, keep in mind, that some of these things (that have to do with the hotel, etc.) only apply to touring girls. I have never left a client unhappy…. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for how the clients leave ME feeling. I was on a trip recently, and a 2 hour appointment was a no-call, no-show… leaving me with some time to think about things. All I could think about was “God, I wish these guys knew what was going on in my mind during these calls… Or I at least wish they had read some sort of list of Do’s and Don’ts before they came!” … I really got to thinking… How could I let these guys KNOW how TERRIBLE they are??? Let them know how to FIX themselves to make the experience less terrible for me? I’m not talking about facially challenged, or over-weight guys… That’s not a problem for me! I’m talking about the guys that are too rough, or too smelly, or too pushy, or too careless, or too disrespectful, or too wrapped up in making ME cum. If you can’t keep the girl comfortable, it’s going to be difficult for her to be as open and enthusiastic as you’d like her to be. So PLEASE, even if you think you’re a GOD in bed, and you make every provider you see cum 3 times, READ THIS!… Because chances are, your perception of yourself is NOTHING like the perception the girl has of you… We’re just way too polite, and too obligated to keep you happy, to be able to say anything about it. So, here it is. Honest and to the point. The actual things that go on in my mind… Not a sugar-coated version to keep you thinking that you ARE good in bed. Because the truth is, you’re not any good at all. Yes, even YOU…The guy who’s reading this and thinking “Wow, that poor girl! She’s seen so many nasty guys! If only she had seen me! I’d make her cum 5 times!”… I am ESPECIALLY talking to YOU. A list of things I WISH you knew before you walked into my hotel room….
~My clit is hooded for a reason. Stay ON TOP of the hood! NO lifting or pulling or moving!!!
~If you’re poking or prodding “under the hood” of my clit, chances are it’s not my clit at all. You’re probably rubbing and shoving on my urethra- Which feels very similar to having a catheter put in. If you’ve had a catheter, you know how pleasant the feeling is. ~Don’t believe ANY rumors you may have heard… I don’t want any of your body parts in or around my asshole. It is NOT enjoyable, and it does NOT enhance ANYTHING. Don't worry, I don't want to be there.
~Remember how bad it hurt when your older brother would give you titty twisters as a kid? Keep in mind that our nipples are about a million times as sensitive as yours are… And please!!!… Our breasts are so sensitive, and bruise very easily. Don’t treat them like stress-relief balls. ~If you’re longer than 6 inches, sex with my legs above my head will be painful for me. It’s not a bottomless pit. It may also be painful from behind.
No worries here. 6 inches is a fantasy.
~I don’t particularly want your tongue anywhere on me. ESPECIALLY not on my neck, down my throat, in my ear, or ANYWHERE on my freshly made-up face. Just stop ALL the licking. It’s gross. There goes the definition of GFE.
~When I’m pushing your head away, and squirming backwards… It’s not because I LIKE what you’re doing.
~You’re probably the 5th or 6th guy I’ve screwed that day- I’m SORE, and NOTHING you do to me is going to feel good… Unless it’s a back rub. And this is probably before 8 AM.
~No, I don’t like that. ~No, I’m not going to cum.
That goes without saying.
Just goes to prove this is not fun for you.
~No, I don’t want to mount you upside-down and backwards. ~…But surprisingly, Yes! I DO want you to cum all over my (fill in the blank). Just get it over with already.
~You really want to know how you can please me? Get on top of me, finish really fast, give me a big tip, and leave 40 minutes before your time is up. Wow, that would be amazing.
Or an hour and 40 if you booked a 2 hour session.
Actually, this is the Holy Grail of Sessions.
~Stop asking me what I want- Unless you’re prepared to hear something similar to the previous statement. ~I don’t want to have an orgasm from you, I don’t want you to go down on me, and I don’t give a flying fuck about your “performance”. It’s MY job to please YOU. Let me do my fucking job.
Yeah, we pretty much understand:
Pay the money for an hour;
Get a quick fuck in 10 minutes;
Time up and time to go.
~I usually begin working before the hotel maids are on the floor, therefore it’s VERY difficult for me to attain towels. They’re like a delicacy. You using 2 of my towels and a wash cloth, for no apparent reason, is like me using 2 $50 filet mignon steaks to wipe my ass. ~I work all day. I don’t have time to go anywhere- Not even to the store to replenish my supply of rubbers. And they cost MONEY. I don’t appreciate you carelessly removing and replacing them 6 times in one session.
Yeah, this is the kind of overhead
that can make you or break you,
especially if you order online where the
product is costing you about 12.5 cents per
rubber, and you're charging $$$$ per hour.
~If you’re in her condom drawer, and see some choices- Don’t choose the Magnum unless you truly are Extra Large. Condoms are hard to come by with our busy schedules, and chances are we only have a few Magnums. If you’re not extra large, but prefer the Magnums for comfort reasons, bring your own. No worries here, Babe, I'd never reach for a Magnum.
It would just fall off. What your really need to have for my cock is a pinkie protector.
~I don’t have an extra set of bed sheets handy, so PLEASE refrain from secreting or wiping your bodily fluids onto the ones that are there.
No worries here. We'll just rip the sheets off and do
it on the mattress.
~If you have an hour… Don’t wait until 59 and a half minutes to cum, and expect to be able to take a 10 minute shower, and all the lovely time you need to get dressed. One hour means OUT THE DOOR in an HOUR. ~We only have 15, at the most 30 minutes between appointments… Sometimes, we have NO time. It’s BARELY enough time to hop in the shower, dry off, fix my hair, fix my make-up, put all my clothes on, make the bed, clean up any mess you left, etc… Please don’t be late, and PLEASE don’t overstay your time.
I've never had a problem with this.
Most providers leave well before the 59th minute.
I guess they count time on a portal-to-portal basis
rather than when she arrives at the outcall.
~I will NOT be upset if you finish early, and decide to leave before your time is up. TRUST ME. Maybe I’ll have some time to run down the hall and steal some towels from the maid’s cart!!
This really is your problem. You need
to be a better manager of your time.
~The majority of escort agencies take 40-50% of what the girl makes per hour.
And this is my problem, why?
~I work for tips!!! You like what I did? Well, show me with a little extra gift! You expect a little extra from me? Well, then I expect a little something extra too.
No, you work for the hourly rate.
If you don't like the hourly rate,
become an independent.
So far, most providers did what was expected.
No one went above and beyond.
You want a tip, ask me what it would
take. That way we'd both know what
is expected.
~It’s not an “all you can eat” buffet. I don’t HAVE to allow 2+ cups. Yes, a good provider (like myself) will allow multiple cups- But a good provider also deserves a good tip.
That is NOT the definition of a
"good provider" = whether or not you
offer 2+ cups. A streetwalker can do that.
~All women (even escorts!) love gifts. Chocolate, flowers, sexy lingerie (a girl’s measurements will usually be posted on her page), yummy smelling candles, or even a Pocket Rocket! She’ll be much more enthusiastic about wanting to make you feel nice. Just as always, providers expect the
donation, the tip, and the love gifts,
all before providing the service.
Typical.
~Bring wine! Or beer, or champagne, or Kahlua, or some fruity mixed drink… And don’t forget the opener! It will be romantic, and it does a good job of breaking the ice, and helping out any nervous tension on both sides…. And she’ll be more willing to let it loose!
I don't drink before sessions.
At my age, it hampers performance.
~Don’t try to negotiate fees. You get what you pay for. So if you don’t have all the dough, I suggest you find a girl at the truck stop.
I don't negotiate fees. I give more respect than
that. But I have had ladies short me on time, short
me on service, and short me on promises. I
have always paid the full fee even though I felt I'd
been ripped off. But it makes me extremely
skeptical about the kind of service I'll
receive from the next provider.
~Double check your gift for her… If you end up shorting her, she’ll remember forever, and she won’t hesitate to tell her agency, or her “friends” who will keep that in mind when getting a call from you.
~Your cleanliness is a huge issue. If you’ve come to our hotel on your lunch break, use my shower. If you haven’t showered in the past hour, use my shower.
You say this like every lady
is spic n span. I am here to tell
you that some smell like shit. Personally,
I am clean and have always been
completely showered, shaved and cleaned
within the last hour...unless you are late.
That's your problem.
~If you’ve gone to bathroom, even ONCE, since your last shower, you need to shower AGAIN. Little drops of urine spray and splatter onto your balls and the surrounding area, and the smell is NOT a pleasant one. I don’t even want to get into the way it smells after you’ve done a #2. Let’s just say, it’s very easy to tell when you haven’t washed since you did it… Especially when you spread your legs a little for me to fit between them during a BJ. Wash WELL, with LOTS of soap… and get between ALL the cracks and crevices. Take your own advice here, too.
~Do YOU want to go down on a big bushy stinky mess of a mountain, and get hair stuck in your teeth? Well, NEWS FLASH guys!!!!- Neither do I!
If you are bare, be bare. Don't present me with stubble. That sucks.
~If you smoke, and she doesn’t- Don’t smoke right before you’re with her! Or please, shower, brush your teeth, chew a mint, and scrub the shit out of your hands after a cigarette. If she doesn’t want a cigarette in her mouth, chances are, she doesn’t want your smoke scented saliva and hands in her delicate areas.
If you smoke, be kind enough to follow
the same rules.
~Our EXTREME delicacy makes us very prone to infection down there… So be extra diligent with your cleanliness before you get near that area.
~You aren’t my boyfriend/husband… I’m not in love with you- Therefore, I do NOT want to cuddle. You sweaty, smelly old man.
I may be old, but not smelly or sweaty.
This belies your GFE claim entirely.
~I’m an awesome GFE- But don’t let that confuse you into thinking that I actually like you. I don’t want your phone number, or email address. I will never fuck you for free. And if I wanted to meet up without the middle man, I’d be an independent.
And I don't want to fuck you for free either.
I pay you to leave, and not keep my personal
information. All you are is a fuck for the hour,
and tomorrow or next week, it will be
another hooker and another payment. I
rarely see the same escort more than once,
so your chances of becoming an ATF are
between slim and none. And if you want
to work for an Agency, don't bitch about the
cut the Agency takes.
It comes with the territory.
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