Keeping Mr. Penis Happy: A Guide
[From a daily humor mailing I subscribe to...]
1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e.,
"Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy!" Don't dive on it
likes it's a raw piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be
gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.
2.) When (Not "IF") giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you
make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and
suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a
sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle. Contrary to your practicing
techniques in high school, the one who "melts" the popsicle first
is not the winner.
3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or
back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move
too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's
crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, very important,
when going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and
Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy
Wonderful is not a golf ball... your aim is not that good, and your
100 + Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously
injure Mr. Penis.
4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a
bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't
use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to
strengthen the forearms, and remember... when friction is the
problem... lubrication is the cure.
5.) Proper care of the Love Tool - like any good tool you wanna
keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as
you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him
gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as
often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll
get years of use out of him that way.
6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or
stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no
response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time.
Good for you!
7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two
friends, Mr.Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not
even ice or a nude pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing
chess at the Naturalist beach last July.
8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.
9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard
on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be
proud that you had that effect on him... not everyone can have
that effect on him.
10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not
that deep! What are you doing... drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow
you're much bigger than I thought. Could you take it a little
easier on me?" And never, never say "Is it in?".
11.) When you are done, always thank Mr. Penis. Mr. Penis has
feelings, and Mr. Ego has bigger feelings. Without both of them
being stroked, Mr. Ego may make Mr. Penis look for appreciation
in Mr. Neighbor's wife.
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