Quote:
Originally Posted by TXGENT
What about all the hurtful remarks to providers you yourself as one has done to other providers.
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Fair enough. Let me tell a story....
Once upon a time there was a girl that had the world by the tail. Everything I did was successful, helped and made others lives better. I made the mistake of falling in love. That most tragic of emotions that can raise up empires, send mountains crashing into the ocean and topple gods. It was a forbidden love, but it was already too late. It crept inside me and corroded every corner of my soul. I began to ignore my friends and step casually into situations I should never have been involved with. I missed one of my best friends weddings because of the absent minded way I was living my life. I wasn't there for the people that needed me and depended on me. After awhile the love went sour, as all forbidden loves do. I started to change. Not gradually, but literally over night the love turned to hate, then bitterness, then all out evil.
I stretched out my hand trying to grasp for anothers, but I had grown horribly huge spikes from mine and they stabbed and hurt every single person I tried to reach out too. In my mind I thought they were rejecting me when I needed them the most and it fed the bitterness. Then I came back here, but things weren't the same. I was different. The board was different. The evil on the board fed the evil in my heart. It poured out around me and contaminated everyone that came close. It's so much easier to give in to dark moods because there are so many people that would gladly share the darkness. The light was far, far down the tunnel. I even forgot what the light looked like for a time.
I spoke evil, mean and hateful remarks as easily as breathing. What had happened to me? This wasn't me. This was a perverted version that I was allowing to manifest with no challenge. Slowly, over a period of about 8 months, I began to remember what it was to be me again. The storm had passed and with great effort I turned around to see the damage my hurricane had left in it's wake. What I saw knocked the breath out of me. Cat 5 damage. There was nothing left but broken or dead people. As the water receded I could see more clearly the sheer amount of damage I caused..... me. It was all my fault. All of it... down the last broken straw.
I looked desperately for some assurance that I could fix this, or help my broken friends. But as they turned away from me to take the hand of another to lead them away limping I could only stand there and stare... in shock... in devastation... But I had no right to feel their devastation when I'm the one that inflicted every oz of their pain.
How can there be hope, or redemption for someone like me....
You can't unring a bell. You can't take back a post or a text or a lie. The damage is done. It can never be undone. ever.
I can do nothing to change my past actions. There's not an I'm sorry big enough to cover what I have been guilty of in my life. Shoot, there's not an ocean big enough to cover it.
I can't promise I'll be perfect from here on out. I can't promise I'll never stab someone and twist the knife... but I can promise, I will work with every cell in my body to choose the right thing and work to bring peace (or war, if that's what's right.)
My only redemption will be what I choose each day as it comes. Every single choice I make will affect everyone around me. Even those that are lost to me will still be affected by choices I make. I hate that. It's a lesson I still struggle with. I still feel as though I'm slapping my victims in the face when I truly work to do what's right because I wronged them so badly. How can an evil woman change her path? One careful step at a time....
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My Bio Page - Texas - Dallas
