Celibating an anniversary today

[Sir Lancehernot]

A year ago today, I shared my last intimate experience with someone who had become my best friend. Its been 366 days since I had sex, since I last saw a live naked woman, since I had a meaningful kiss.



It would be a month of decreased text contact before I got the Dear John text; another month before I would see her again and six months more of intermittent contact commensurate with being friend-zoned before we got together again, had the conversation we should have had last summer. and I found out what had happened. The contrast between 46 months of being happy for the first time in my life and those eight months was, shall I say, stark.



When she told me, all the stress and turmoil suddenly went way. That's all it took. We're now at the point where I always figured we would be when the inevitable cessation of intimacy occurred (admittedly, being friend-zoned is a lot easier with her now 180 miles away), although getting here was much more painful than it needed to be. She could have handled it better; she admits that.


The odds of finding someone suitable (forget comparable) who can tolerate me in another allowance-based relationship are vanishingly small. So I've contemplated getting back into the hobby. I can continue to address the physical issues myself (being alone 40 hours a week makes that pretty easy, lol). But I can't replace the way she looked at me while I was inside her or looking up at her face from three feet below it; the smile that lit up the entire house when I would walk in; the diner breakfasts; the day-dates go-karting, indoor skydiving, shooting, museums, and others; the sharing of dreams and victories; the recoveries from setbacks; and, most of all, the knowledge that my presence was making someone's life better, not only financially, but academically and in other ways. I watched her grow; learn; set goals, achieving some, abandoning or adjusting others; develop as a person. And I was a part of that.



After you've been to Heaven, being back on Earth just can't compare.


With the changes I perceive as having occurred in the hobby in the last five years, even if I could find a suitable companion in the Western Wastelands, those things aren't part of the hobbyist's bargain. Sometimes I remember what it's like to experience the touch of someone else and yearn for that sensation again. Then I remember how many times I left an appointment with Peggy Lee singing "Is That All There Is?" running through my head and realize that the odds of the price/enjoyment ratio being greater than 1 are probably smaller now than they were then. Even before I left the hobby, it seemed to me as if the number of positive reviews (especially west of 360) was greatly exceeded by those whose general tenor was, at best, and even then infrequently, "met expectations."


The difference between someone who tolerates your presence and can't wait for the timer to hit 60 and someone who genuinely wants you to be there and doesn't want you to leave is huge.



Five years of testosterone depletion make the satisfaction of physical urges less urgent. But they are still there. I suppose I'll yield to the temptation sooner or later -- I believe there are still several places near the office with 40-year-old frumpy Chinese women who can provide stress relief, so there's always that, lol -- if only to do a live-fire equipment check.



I know I'll catch a lot of grief for posting this. Some people can't restrain the hate or their fingers. But I felt the urge to vent a little today, and I have no one to vent to, no other forum in which to do so. I hope some will take that into account before unleashing their vitriol.


And to those of you who say I just got used, abused, and thrown away, that it was entirely transactional for her: There's four years of detail that you don't have. You weren't there.

[shooter6.5]

Hey
no reason to appologize for a thing. Good to have you back.. Take care and just enjoy what you can. We all change..

[Grace Preston]

There is nothing wrong with what you posted. We all hobby for different reasons and your post was a striking reminder of that.

Touch, intimacy, connection-- these are very important things for people in general.

[TinMan]

The wording of your thread title is the most Freudian thing I’ve read in a long time.

[Sir Lancehernot]

Originally Posted by TinMan

The wording of your thread title is the most Freudian thing I’ve read in a long time.

I'm not as Jung as I used to be.

[pmdelites]

lancehernot, peace be with you as you navigate your way into the next chapter of your life.

i dont know about you, but i do what i can to follow the thought/living/philosophy of just "living in the moment."
cos things are always gonna change, whether we want them to or not.

so, keep those memories and create new ones, which will be different from the past memories.

peace be with your soul and mind.

[jasonray2199]

I am very sorry you are having to go through this! I can remember getting into this lifestyle back in 2018 and you were always a straight shooter anytime I had questions. You will not hear any negativity from me. I have nothing but respect for you Sir. Keep your head up and try to stay positive!

[DallasBella]

I responded to a Reddit thread recently were providers were wondering what happened to their regulars. Did they get caught by wife, do they pass away? Sometimes the latter is actually the case. But most of the time they just decide to move on and ghost instead of having a conversation like a gentleman.

But it’s hard not to get feelings hurt when a regular/friend of years suddenly stops coming and doesn’t respond to your messages asking if they are still alive.

[Sir Lancehernot]

Originally Posted by DallasBella

I responded to a Reddit thread recently were providers were wondering what happened to their regulars. Did they get caught by wife, do they pass away? Sometimes the latter is actually the case. But most of the time they just decide to move on and ghost instead of having a conversation like a gentleman.

But it’s hard not to get feelings hurt when a regular/friend of years suddenly stops coming and doesn’t respond to your messages asking if they are still alive.

That's an interesting observation that I had never thought about. Mulling it over starts with the definition of "regular." While I've considered myself a regular of a few women over the years, I'm not sure my visits would have been frequent enough for them to consider me a regular. And I'm certain that there's nothing any of them have missed about me except my easily replaced donations. But I can see how some guys here could have endeared themselves, at least a little, to some of the women they have seen.


Usually, for me, it;s been the other way around. My friends-for-an-hour vanish, never to be heard from again, or I find out here or through PMs that they've moved on. I don't get my feelings hurt, because I just accept that that's the nature of these relationships.


Then, too, it sure helps if both parties are on the same plane. Words like "love," "always," "never," and "soulmate" have certain meanings to me, but to others, the meanings can be more squishy.

[BLM69]

People move on, older guys phase out the game and new players replace them

[mtabsw]

Originally Posted by DallasBella

I responded to a Reddit thread recently were providers were wondering what happened to their regulars. Did they get caught by wife, do they pass away? Sometimes the latter is actually the case. But most of the time they just decide to move on and ghost instead of having a conversation like a gentleman.

But it’s hard not to get feelings hurt when a regular/friend of years suddenly stops coming and doesn’t respond to your messages asking if they are still alive.

Sorry DallasBella - we met briefly long ago, but I never managed to get to see you. From what I can tell you're one of the "good guys" who don't deserve this.

The shitheads like that spoil it for the rest of us. That said - several of my favorites have vaporized from the scene - a text woulda been nice, but nada. Hurts, even when it is in this "pay for play" world.