Irish Joke

[DickyDoo]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000’.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’

The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $10,000 that your testicles are square.’

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’

‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square.’

‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’

‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Ireland’

[DickyDoo]

Skinny little Irish man goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irish man staring at him, he looks down and says: ‘7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.’

The little white Irish man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, ‘What’s wrong with you?’

In a weak voice the little guy says, ‘What EXACTLY did you say to me?’

The big dude says, ‘I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me……

I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.’

The little white Irish man says: ‘Turner Brown?! …. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘Turn around!!!!

[Poppa_Viagra]

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.




Shortest Irish joke on record: An Irishman walks out of a pub.




Man is taking a piss at the football game and a dwarf comes in the restroom, eyebrow-high to the urinal, whips out an enormous dick and holds it over the side and pees.
Man says, :Where did you get a tool like that?"
Dwarf says "I'm a leprechaun."
Man says, "Are you magical? Can you grant me wishes?"
Fwarf says, "Yes, and yes, and you have to grant me one wixh in return.

So the man wishes for he standard money, looks and enormous dick.
The dwarf says "OK, but I get my wish first. Leprechauns are all homosexual andi i would like to bang you up the ass"
Man thinks a minute and decides it's worth the sacrifice, so into the toilet stall they go and he bends over, the dwarf stands on the toilet seat and proceeds to hose him nine ways to SUnday.
"How old are you?" asks the dwarf.
"Thirty-one" says the man.
The dwarf says "And you still believe in leprechauns?"

[The_Waco_Kid]

The Jew, the Irishman and the Fag.

One day in New York City, a Jew, an Irishman and a Fag were walking down the street.
Suddenly, a city bus went out of control and ran them all over and killed them.
When they got to the pearly gates of Heaven, St. Peter greeted them.
St. Peter said .. "God made a mistake, this was not your day to die".
He told them that God would let them live but they each had to give up something.
So they all thought about it and said "Ok, what is it?"
St. Peter replied .. You Mr. Jew must no longer covet money.
And you, Mr. Irishman must give up Irish Whiskey.
And you Mr Fag must no longer engage in ass sex.
So they all three thought about it and said "Ok that's pretty harsh but it's better than being dead"
So suddenly they were back in New York City walking down the street.
As they walked, they passed a bar that had a sign that said "Irish Whiskey 25 cent a shot!"
The Irishman began to sweat and could not control himself, he ran into the bar, had a shot and POOF he was dead!
The Jew and the Fag saw this and said "Well! God wasn't kidding, was he?"
So as they continued to walk, the Jew sees a $100 bill on the ground.
The Jew begins to sweat just like the Irishman .. and he could not control himself..
the Jew bends over to pick up the $100 bill .... and POOF there goes the Fag!!!

The Joke Jar.

a traveling salesman went on a new sales assignment to a city he had never been to.
At his hotel, he sees a bar across the street, so he decides to go have a drink.
He sits down at the bar and orders a drink, and as he looks up he sees a huge Mason jar stuffed full of money. the jar is labeled "The Joke Jar".
Curious, the man asks the bartender "What is the Joke jar for"?
The bartender says "Well we have this mean old horse out back and if you can make him laugh, you get everything in the Joke Jar".
So the man sips his drink and thinks about it. He says "ok, i'll take that bet" and puts $20 dollars on the bar.
the man goes out back for a minute then returns with a smile on his face and says "You owe me the Joke Jar"
The bartender says "I'll have to check that out" and goes out back.
He returns and says "Ok mister, you win" and gives him all the money in the jar.
Six months later, the salesman returns to the city and stays at the same hotel.
He decides to go across the street to the bar and have a drink.
As he sits down and orders a drink, he sees a huge mason jar stuffed full of money and labeled "The Jar of Sorrows"
So he asks the bartender "what is the jar of Sorrows for?"
The bartender tells him "Well, we have this mean old horse out back and if you can tell him a story that makes him cry, you get the jar of Sorrows."
So the man puts $20 dollars on the bar and goes out back.
a minute later he returns with a smile on his face and says "You owe me the jar of Sorrows"
The bartender says "I'll have to go check that out" and goes out back.
The bartender returns and hands over all the money in the "jar of Sorrows" but before he does he says ..
"Ok mister how did you do it?"
And the man says "Well the first time i told him i had a bigger dick than his, this time i showed him"


BAHHAHAAAAA

[The_Waco_Kid]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Alexandria looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
Alexandria replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money. Alexandria went back to work at the US Congress.


what do you call two gay guys in Ireland?


Patrick FitzGerald and Gerald FitzPatrick.