The Chief Petty Officer

[DickyDoo]

The Chief Petty Officer



As a crowded airliner is about to take-off, the peace is suddenly

shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild

temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does

to try to calm him down, the boy continues to cream furiously and kick

the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older

man in the uniform of a US Navy Chief begins to make his way up the

aisle. Stopping the frustrated mother's upraised hand, the white haired,

courtly, soft-spoken Chief leans down and, motioning toward his

collar, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms

down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the Chief

slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants

touches his sleeve. "Excuse me Chief", she asks quietly, "could I ask

you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The Chief smiled

serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my anchors, service stripes,

and battle ribbons, and then explained to him that they entitled me to

throw one passenger out of the plane."



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The Retired Chief



The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got that chicken ranch

he always wanted. He took with him his lifelong pet parrot. First

morning at 0430, the parrot squeaked and said, "Off yer hocks and don

yer socks, Reveille". The old chief told the parrot, "we are no longer

in the Navy, go back to sleep." The next morning, the parrot did the

same thing. The old Chief told the parrot, "Look, if you keep this up, I

will put you out in the chicken pen." Again the parrot did it, and true

to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen. About 0630,

the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He

went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white

chickens in formation and on the ground lay 3 bruised and beaten brown

ones. The parrot was saying, "By God, when I say fall out in dress

whites, I don't mean Khakis!"



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Sleeping With A Snorer



By the time the Chief pulled into a little town, every hotel room was

taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded, "or just a bed, I

don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - a Marine Gunny,"

admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to

tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms

have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Chief assured him, "I'll take it."

The next morning the Chief came down to breakfast bright-eyed and

bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better." The manager was impressed.

"No problem with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time", said the Chief.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the

Chief explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said,

'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."



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A wise old Master Chief once said...



A young Ensign approaches the crusty old Master Chief and asked about

the origin of the commissioned officer insignias. "Well," replied the

Master Chief, "the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and

tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you are very

valuable but also malleable. The silver bar also represents significant

value, but is less malleable. Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value

doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over the

military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you are, obviously, a

star. Does that answer your question?" "Yes Master Chief" replied the

young Ensign. "But what about Lieutenant Commander and Commander?"

"That, sir, goes waaaay back in history - back to the Garden of Eden.

You see we've always covered our pricks with leaves."



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"The Genie"







A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are off the ship

together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil

lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie

says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just

one." "Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in

the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a

care in the world." Poof! He's gone. "Me next!" says the First Class. "I

want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,

an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman." Poof! He's

gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the Chief The Chief says, "I want

those two back on the ship right after lunch"



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Dangerous...



A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."

A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..."

A Lieutenant JG saying, "Based on my experience..."

A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."

A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."