Well, Newbie Boot Camp just keeps rolling along.
It turns out that Austin’s “Newbie Boot Camp” is a pretty innovative experiment. No other Board has a program like this. St. Christopher is
so intrigued that he’s coming to Austin to personally observe “
Hell Week” -- Still Looking’s affectionate nickname for this week’s “Newbie Stress Testing”.
“Now that you’re about to start actively hobbying, you need to be prepared for the unexpected. The Hobby is
full of ‘the unexpected’.” Whispers tells us on Monday. “That’s what ‘
Newbie Stress Testing’ is all about.”
“Still Looking, Toyz and RockerRick and I pooled our collective experience and identified
six specific things that, when they happened to
us, really threw us for a loop,” Whispers explains. “We were caught
totally unprepared, and consider ourselves lucky to have gotten out with our dicks still on.”
“Those hobby experiences led us to design ‘Hell Week’ – and, no, I’m not going to tell you what the six scenarios are.
That would spoil the fun.”
“Over the next 4 days, each of you will personally experience every one of these hobby disasters –
and you’ll be just as unprepared as we were.” He smiles at all of us. “The difference is that
you’ll experience them under ‘controlled conditions’. SL, Toyz, Rick and I will observe. Then on Friday, we’ll get back together to talk about how you handled things, and what you should
really do when these things happen to
you.”
“At random times over the next 4 days, you’ll get text messages directing you to come to the Newbie Boot Camp office. When you get there, there’ll be a glass bowl with your name on it. Reach into the bowl and grab one of the slips of paper inside, and then follow the instructions on the slip.” Whispers claps his hands. “OK! That’s it. Good luck!”
Monday afternoon. Room 14. Newbie Goofball.
Goofball gets the first text. He picks up his slip of paper, and it tells him to go to Room 14 here in “Big Dick’s Halfway Inn”.
When he gets there, Toyz and RockerRick are standing in the hallway outside the room, waiting for him.
“OK. You’ve just gone through the two-text system with a hoogar, and she texted you that she’s here in Room 14. Knock once and walk in.” Toyz steps out of the way. “Go ahead! Rick and I are just here to observe.”
Goofball knocks once, and then, as instructed, opens the door and walks in.
Whispers is lying on the bed, in drag…
and completely naked.
“Meow, babe!” Whispers purrs. “…
Are you ready for me to rock your world?”
Goofball gags.
This is the most hideous thing he’s seen in his entire life!
Toyz shouts in his ear. “THIS IS YOUR DATE, NEWBIE!! WHAT DO YOU DO??? THINK FAST!!!”
Goofball turns around, a horrified expression on his face.
“C’mon, newbie! What are you going to do? You’ve got
15 seconds to decide – hop on, or walk out!”
Goofball’s eyes blink in rapid succession – he’s a deer in the headlights.
“Err…
take one for the team??”
RockerRick throws up in the waste paper basket.
Tuesday morning. Room 21. The Allnighter.
I get
my first text on Tuesday morning, and go to the Boot Camp office and pick out a slip. It says:
“Go to Room 21. You’ll be met by Scarlett De Rossi for a 60-minute session. Better eat your Wheaties! Toyz”
I’m stoked! Scarlett De Rossi is hot!!
I knock on the door, and I find out just how hot. She’s wearing a black leather bustier, a garter belt, fishnet stockings and thigh-high leather boots with 5” stiletto heels. WOW!!
Before I can say “Hello,” she grabs me by the tie, stuffs a Viagra in my mouth and yanks me into the room. All the furniture has been pushed into one corner, and she’s dragged the big brass bed into the center of the room.
The next thing I know, I’m wearing a leopard-print Speedo and hanging from the ceiling fan…
“SAY IT!” Scarlett screams, and cracks a black leather whip.
“I can’t…” I mumble, swinging around in the air as the ceiling fan spins.
“SAY IT!” The whip cracks again.
”Aww…I’M THE KING OF THE JUNGLE!”
“Take me, Tarzan!!” Sheets fly. A garter belt swings from the fan. The floor is littered with shreds of leopard-print Speedo. This woman is unbelievable – she’s a sex tornado! She’s underneath me, on top of me – at one point, I have leather boots wrapped around my neck.
“FUCK ME HARDER! FUCK ME HARDER!!”
I’m doin’ Scarlett doggie-style, and pounding her as hard as I can. Her hands are wrapped around the brass rail across the top of the headboard, and, with each thrust, her head bangs against the brass bars. Sweat is pouring down my face.
RockerRick is leaning against the back wall of the room, laughing his head off. He’s watching me bounce Scarlett’s head against the bars of the headboard, and clocking me with a stopwatch. He bet me that I couldn’t last 10 minutes with Scarlett. He might be right. If I do, the champagne is on him. He brought a bottle, just to prove he’s sincere.
“HARDER! HARDER!!” Scarlett screams. She turns to me and hisses, “Don’t make me call for a stunt dick!”
I was doin’ OK until I hit the 10-minute mark and Rick opened that bottle of champagne…
Apparently, while cheering for me, he shook the bottle pretty good. When he pops the cork on the champagne, it shoots out like a missile – and smacks me in the ass like a line drive to centerfield.
The impact is so unexpected that I hit Scarlett’s ass with an incredible thrust…and push her head right through the bars of the brass bed!
Just then, the door opens, and Toyz and Whispers walk in – to be greeted by the sight of one very pissed-off Scarlett De Rossi, her head stuck between the bars on the brass headboard. I’m hopping around the floor, rubbing my ass.
RockerRick runs over to try to explain what happened, but Toyz and Whispers are already laughing too hard.
“Rick, you know what this reminds me of?” Toyz says. “You remember those glory hole nights that Hunter Grace used to organize…”
Rick starts laughing, too. “Yeah, all we need to do is drape a sheet over her head!”
Scarlett is in no mood any jokes. “Screw you, Toyz! Anything you put near my mouth right now, you’re gonna lose!”
Toyz laughs even harder. “In that case…Rick, why don’t you go first!”
From behind her, Scarlett hears the sound of Whisper’s zipper going down, and she whips her head to the side – as best she can, given that it’s stuck between the bars.
“Don’t you come near me with that thing, Whispers! I haven’t had a tetanus shot!!”
While everyone is laughing, I pull on my pants, run to the motel restaurant kitchen and borrow a tub of butter. I slather it all over Scarlett’s head, hair and shoulders, and start trying to work her head back between the bars.
“You’re a dead man, newbie! I won’t forget this.” She’s a little upset. “At least you could have used coconut oil -- my hair’s gonna look like shit!”
Just as I succeed in pushing Scarlett’s head back through the bars, Still Looking and St Christopher walk in. Scarlett pops her head up over the headboard – and she has melted butter dripping off her ears and face, and running down her spectacular breasts.
“Hi, guys!” says SL, and, without missing a beat, “Hey -- this looks just like my last date with Scarlett!”
Tuesday afternoon. Room 8. Llano Cowboy.
Llano Cowboy gets his second text on Wednesday morning, and goes to the Newbie Boot Camp office to pick up
his slip…
“Go to Room 8 for a custom condom fitting and the “glory hole test”. You must last more than 1 minute – or RockerRick is going to kick your ass! Toyz”
Last more than 1 minute? Hah! I’m from Llano – do they have any idea how long you’ve got to keep at it to get
a cow off?
Llano Cowboy heads to Room 8 -- which has been divided in half by a tall barnwood wall, running wall to wall. The wall has 3 big round holes cut in it – all about waist-high.
RockerRick is standing inside the door, a table covered with condoms in front of him.
“OK, newb – here’s the deal. We’re going to pick out a condom or two for you, and then you’re gonna try ‘em out in the “glory hole wall” over there. ‘Ya got three holes to choose from – GOOD, BETTER and BEST. The only catch is, you better last more than one minute, or I’m gonna kick your ass!”
“Since you’re a newb, you get to play with a handicap – this is gonna be a CBJ. That’ll slow things up a little.”
“Just pick a condom off this table. These here on the left are the ultra-thin variety – like wearing nothing at all. These in the middle are standard thickness – kinda feel like saran wrap on your dick. Lastly, these on the right are
UnderArmor brand – as David Douchehurst likes to say, “
They’re like wrappin’ your rascal in a erma-dildo” (Is that Douchehurst-speak for ‘armadillo’??). These sure won’t break, but I’ll be damned if I can feel anything when
I use one.”
“Here’s what I recommend you do – if you’re packin’ a hair-trigger, pick the UnderArmor brand, and head over to the glory hole marked “GOOD”. Temptation Tammie is back there, and she’ll take it easy on you.”
“On the other hand, if you think you’re The Man of Steel, feel free to pick an ultra-thin and head over to the glory hole marked “BEST”. Claire She Blows is back there. She can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.”
“Whichever you choose, remember…don’t embarrass us! You’ve
got to last more than a minute. The pride of the Whore Corps is on the line here!”
Llano Cowboy was feelin’ his oats this morning. He grabs an ultra-thin and moseys over to the glory hole marked “BEST”. He suits up, and sticks the little rascal through the hole.
Claire grabs hold of him, and before he knows it, he’s pulled tight against the barnwood. Rick is crouched down next to him, stopwatch in hand, inspecting the glory hole action like an umpire watching curve balls comin’ across home plate.
It’s a good thing that Still Looking and St. Christopher happen along. Rick is so focused on the hole that he’s not watching Llano Cowboy’s
face. Still Looking
was.
About 20 seconds in, Llano Cowboy’s eyes begin to cross, and drool begins to run down his chin. Claire is working her magic, and the Cowboy warn’t no “Man of Steel.”
SL sees an intervention is needed…STAT! “WHO PLAYED SECOND BASE FOR THE TEXAS RANGERS IN THE 2011 WORLD SERIES???”
…but it’s too late. At the 42-second mark, Llano Cowboy gives it up.
Behind the wall, Claire smiles. I’ve still got it! Not as easy as that Allnighter guy, but another one bites the dust…
Rick breaks an ammonia capsule under Llano Cowboy’s nose and, with a gasp, he regains consciousness.
“Fuck the condoms!” Cowboy says. “Can I buy 30 feet of that wall???”
Wednesday morning. Room 8. Newbie Shorty.
Newbie Shorty got his third text on Wednesday morning, and hit the Boot Camp office on the double. When he picked his slip out of the bowl, he thought he had hit the jackpot:
“Go to Room 8. You’ve got a 2-hour doubles session with Slave Guinevere and Layla Angelique. Make us proud! Toyz”
Slave Guinevere AND Layla Angelique?? In ONE session?? Shorty is off like a shot!
Toyz meets him outside the room. He’s dressed like a cornerman at a heavyweight fight – he’s wearing sweats, and has a towel draped around his neck.
”Look, we took up a collection: Here’s two Viagras, a Cialis, a Levitra and some Spanish Fly. Chase ‘em down with this Red Bull. Now get in there and make ‘em scream!”
Shorty swallows this “E.D. cocktail” and runs into the room…only to find that it’s empty. “Where are the girls?”
Toyz says, “Gee. I thought they were here. Wait up – I’ll go check.” He’s back 20 minutes later. “Bad news, newb! They’re not coming. NCNS. Life’s a bitch.”
The ED meds and Spanish Fly have all begun to kick in. Shorty look downs at the tent pole poking out the front of his pants. It’s already starting to throb.
Toyz grins. “Look, newb – they were never coming. You’ve just been NCNS’d by your date for the evening, and you’re as horny as a three-balled tomcat. This is a test.”
“Can you tough it out…or are you going to do something stupid?” He throws Shorty’s hobby phone onto the bed, along with the latest issue of Backpage, and walks out of the room…
Four hours later, Shorty has emptied every ice dispenser on the ground floor of the motel and is lying in a bathtub full of ice. He’s ladling ice water over his throbbing erection, and seriously considering suicide.
He’s already called Housekeeping 6 times, and propositioned every housekeeper who’s come into the room…as well as a young man from Room Service. No luck.
No matter how hard he tries to resist, his eyes keep straying to that copy of Backpage lying on the bed. How bad could it be? I mean, hookers are hookers, aren’t they?
He finally can’t stand it any more -- he climbs out of the bathtub, staggers to the bed and starts thumbing through the Backpage. He picks up his hobby phone and turns it on…
Suddenly, the smoke alarm goes off and all the lights in the room start flashing.
Toyz, RockerRick and Still Looking crash through the door and into the room. Toyz bats the phone out of Shorty’s hand, while Rick tackles him and starts to pull a straightjacket over his shoulders.
Still Looking runs to a glass case mounted on the wall labeled “IN CASE OF EMERGENCY,” and smashes the glass on the front. He pulls out the FleshLight inside…
Thursday morning. Room 12. Llano Cowboy.
Llano Cowboy draws from his bowl in the Newbie Boot Camp office, and gets the following note:
“Go to Room 12. You’ll be met by Sparkling Jade. Be prepared for anything. Toyz”
A few minutes later, Llano Cowboy is buck-ass nekkid, and Sparkling Jade is riding him like a stallion. They toss and tumble -- every position he can think of. She’s insatiable! After two hours, he collapses on the floor, totally spent.
“Oooh, honey -- you were awesome!” Jade purrs. “We need to do this again…soon. That’ll be $600.”
The newbie sits bolt upright. “$600???? I thought this was free!”
“Free, honeychild? When was the last time you had free pussy in Austin? I’m a working girl, sweetie. I’ve got bills to pay!”
Cowboy stammers, “I don’t have $600! The best I have is, maybe, $300.”
“$300 ain’t goin’ to cover the tab, sweetheart – not even close.” Jade frowns. “Look, I’m going into the Powder Room here to freshen up. While I’m in there, you better find your sock, or your money belt, or wherever it is that you hide your cash -- ‘cause when I come out, BITCH BETTA HAVE MY MONEY!” And she disappears into the bathroom with her clothes, purse and phone.
Llano Cowboy pulls on his pants and starts pacing. He never discussed any fee with Jade …much less $600. This is another Newbie Boot Camp test! What is he supposed to do??
He’s distracted by a loud knock. He flips the bolt on the door and opens it. RockerRick is standing there in the hallway, wearing a long leather topcoat, dark sunglasses and a very stern face.
RockerRick: “How ‘ya doin’, newb? I hear we have some trouble.”
Rick pushes his way inside, his head turning side to side, taking in the ratty motel room.Cowboy is taken a bit aback. Trouble? Can Rick mean his disagreement with Sparkling Jade? How could he know about that?
RockerRick: “Am I trippin', or did I just ask you a question?”
Llano Cowboy: “Err…I’m doin' okay.”
Rick steps around the newbie and knocks sharply on the bathroom door. It opens. Out comes Jade, still naked -- with only a towel wrapped around her. Rick pushes her roughly onto the bed, and turns back to the newbie.
RockerRick (suddenly and harshly): “Do you know who I represent?”
Rick’s tone spooks Cowboy. He just shakes his head: "No."
RockerRick: “I guess you could say that I’m an associate of Jade’s ‘business partner’, Whispers.” He turns sharply to Sparkling Jade. “You told him about your ‘business partner’…didn’t you, Jade?”
Sparkling Jade doesn’t say anything – she just nods. She looks a little scared.
RockerRick: “I thought so. Well, newbie, you remember Miss Jade’s business partner Whispers, don’t you?”
Llano Cowboy (uncertainly): “Well…she said something about her ‘booking agent’…”
RockerRick:“Look at the big brain on the newbie! Good for you!”
Rick looks around and as if seeing for the first time, he notes that Jade is naked.
“Oh…I’m sorry -- it looks like I caught you still eatin’ breakfast! What 'cha havin'?”
Cowboy is now totally confused. There’s no food anywhere. He doesn’t know what to say.
Rick steps over to the bed, and slides his hand up under the towel and between Sparkling Jade’s legs. He draws his fingers up her pussy, dislodging the towel in the process, and then raises his fingers to his tongue.
RockerRick: “Fish taco! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. And Whispers’ own brand, too! He’d sure be happy that you’re enjoying his fine fish taco.”
RockerRick raises his fingers to his lips again, and gives them another taste.
RockerRick: “Uuummmm -- that sure is one tasty taco. Me, I can't usually eat 'em 'cause my Sugar Baby’s a straight missionary girl…which nowadays makes me more or less a straight missionary guy. But I sure love a good fish taco when I can get one.”
Rick points to a bottle of water on the nightstand next to the bed. “What's in that?”
Llano Cowboy:“Just water, with some 5-Hour Energy.”
RockerRick: “Do you mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this taco flavor down?”
Llano Cowboy: “Sure.”
Rick grabs the bottle and takes a long drink.
RockerRick: “Uuuuummmm -- hits the spot! (turns to Sparkling Jade) You just called from the bathroom and said your homeboy here was tryin’ to stiff you for $600?”
Sparkling Jade nods her head: "Yes."
RockerRick (turning back to Llano Cowboy): “Well then, newbie. Why don't you just tell me where you got your wallet and shit hid.”
Sparkling Jade: “It's in the nightstand drawer…”
RockerRick (very loudly): “BITCH -- I DON”T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GOD-DAMNED THING!” (he turns back to the newbie, and says politely) “…you were about to say?”
Llano Cowboy(stammering): “uhh…it’s in the nightstand drawer.”
Rick steps to the nightstand, pulls open the drawer and reaches in, removing a velcro-closure wallet. He opens it, and shuffles through the money inside.
RockerRick:“Looks like all we’ve got here is $280…”
He shakes his head sadly, removes the $280, and closes the wallet, tossing it back into the nightstand drawer.
RockerRick:“I believe we have a problem, newbie. The bill is $600.00 -- and you ain't talkin' your ass outta that shit.”
Llano Cowboy (trying to calm Rick down): “Rick, Rick…I just want to say that I had a misunderstanding with Miss Jade here. I’m sorry. We didn’t really talk about a price, and now things are all fucked up. Believe me -- I only had the best intentions…”
His voice kind of dwindles off to nothing. As if to fill the embarrassing silence, Sparkling Jade speaks up. “Yeah, I shoulda made the price more clear…”
Rick calmly takes a Taser pistol out from under his jacket, and without looking at Jade, shoots her right in the chest. Two darts lodge themselves in her enormous breasts, immediately followed by the crackle of high-voltage electricity. She starts jerking convulsively on the bed.
The newbie gasps.
RockerRick (calmly): “Oh, I'm sorry…Did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please…continue. I believe you were saying something about ‘…best intentions?’”
The newbie is paralyzed with fear. He can't say a word.
RockerRick: “Whatsamatter? Oh, you were done? Well, then…allow me to retort. What does Whispers look like?”
The newbie’s eyes blink uncontrollably. All he can say is, “…What?”
Rick SNAPS – he savagely slaps Llano Cowboy, knocking him back onto the bed.
RockerRick: “What country are you from?!”
Llano Cowboy (petrified): “What?”
RockerRick:"’What’ ain't no country I ever heard of! Do they speak English in ‘What’?”
Llano Cowboy(now stammering in complete panic): “…What?”
RockerRick: “ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! CAN YOU SPEAK IT??”
Llano Cowboy (even more petrified): “…What?”
Rick raises his Taser pistol and presses the barrel hard against the newbie's forehead.
RockerRick:“Say ‘what’ again! C'mon, say ‘what’ again, motherfucker! I DARE ‘YA! I DOUBLE-DARE ‘YA! Say "What" one more goddamn time!!”
A large wet spot forms on the crotch of the newbie’s pants.
RockerRick: “I asked you to describe for me what Whispers looks like!”
Llano Cowboy: “Well… he's... he's...fat…”
RockerRick: “GO ON!”
Llano Cowboy: “ ...and he's... he's... bald…”
RockerRick: “DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH??”
Llano Cowboy (without thinking): “…What?”
Rick raises his Taser pistol, adjusts the power setting, and shoots the newbie in the shoulder. Llano Cowboy screams as he writhes in spasms on the bed.
RockerRick: “I SAID, DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?!”
Llano Cowboy: (writhing in pain): “No! No, no!”
RockerRick: “Then why’d you try to fuck him like a bitch?! Use his girl and not have the money??”
Rick is looking down at his Taser pistol again, adjusting the power level one more time.
RockerRick: “You ever read the Bible, newbie? There’s one in almost every motel room.”
Llano Cowboy (gasping in pain): “I know...”
RockerRick: “There's a passage Whispers taught me that seems appropriate for this situation: Ezekiel 666. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the temptation of harlots and the tyranny of evil pimps. Blessed is the Board which polices this Valley of Darkness, for it is truly my brother's procurer and the savior of lost hookers. However, I will strike down with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to shortchange my girls. And you will know my name is ‘THE HOBBY GOD’ when I lay my vengeance upon you!"
With that, RockerRick tasers Llano Cowboy right in the balls – at maximum power. The newbie, convulsing uncontrollably, blessedly passes out.
Thursday afternoon. Room 16. The Allnighter.
Having rested up from my “Scarlett De Rossi experience”, I receive my last text on Thursday afternoon. I draw the last slip from my bowl in the Newbie Boot Camp office, and get the following note:
“Go to Room 16, and you will be met by Unique. Knock once and enter. Be prepared for anything. Toyz”
I open the door to Room 16, and see a tall, slim, beautiful Latina hooker stretched out on the bed. She’s a
knock-out!
After Scarlett, I’m still a little gun-shy, so I walk into the room cautiously. I note that the ceiling fan is turned off. That’s good news.
I sidle over to the bed, and introduce myself to Unique. I’m nervous, so I chat with her for a while -- constantly thinking how stunning she is. Eventually, I figure that I had better get to the point. "Uhh…how much do you charge?"
Always ask up front -- I learned that from the pimp scenario…
Unique smiles at me, and bats her long, dark eyelashes. "It starts at $300 for a handjob."
"$300 dollars?! For a handjob?!” I’m stunned. “No
handjob is worth that kind of money!"
"Look out the window, newbie. You see that brand new BMW 750i parked outside?” she says. "That’s a $100,000 automobile, and it’s mine. I own it because I give the best handjobs in Austin."
She smiles, invitingly.
I have to admit that she has piqued my curiosity. I wonder exactly what could make a handjob worth $300?
What the hell? YOLO -- you only live once. “I'll give it a try."
A short time later, I’m lying on the bed, having just experienced the handjob of my life. It was worth every bit of $300. In fact, I’m
so amazed, I can’t stop myself from asking, "How much for a blowjob?"
Unique smiles, "It starts at $500 for a CBJ."
"Are you out of your mind? $500 for a covered blowjob?? That’s insane!"
"Step over here to the window, big boy,” Unique replies. “Do you see that Denny’s across the street? I
own that place, outright -- because I give a blowjob that's worth every penny of $500."
Hmmm… Basking in the afterglow of that terrific handjob, and still thinking with the wrong head, I decide to put off the new car for a while, and say, "OK. Sign me up."
Thirty minutes later, I’m sitting on the bed
even more amazed than before. I can’t believe it! Claire She Blows is good, but Unique is something else! This blowjob was an out-of-body experience.
Impulsively, I decide to dip into my 401k for one last, glorious and unforgettable Hobby experience. So I ask the lady, "How much for some pussy?"
"Come over here to the window. Do you see that brand-new Hyatt Regency hotel across the way?" Unique is standing at the window, pointing across the highway.
"Damn!" I’m awestruck. "You own that
hotel??"
"No," she replies. "but I would… if I had a pussy."
With that, the bathroom door flies open, and Still Looking pops out.
“OK, newbie – think fast! What do you do now??”
Jesus…maybe I need a new hobby.
Secret diary of a newbie -- Week 6
