Secret diary of a newbie -- Week 4

[The Allnighter]

Hoo, boy! And I thought the last week of Newbie Boot Camp was tough…

Imagine this week – Toyz, RockerRick AND Whispers are all banned from the Board, and to put it mildly, the outcome of last week’s reference-getting exercise was a rip-roaring disaster.

Toyz spent the weekend auditing our references and, in several cases, de-briefing the providers involved. And he interviewed some of them, too.

On Monday afternoon, he called us all into the conference room at Newbie Boot Camp to give us the results of his analysis: 12 newbies spent 4 ½ days in this exercise and, collectively…picked up 2 references.

Two. References.

And, as if that wasn’t pathetic enough, we have 4 newbies missing in action...

Two newbies booked sessions with a pair of sisters up in Williamson County, and walked right into a WilCo Sheriff’s Department vice sting. One guy got busted, but the other managed a narrow escape. He wrapped the motel room drapes around himself, tied a bandanna around his head, picked up a big load of wet towels and walked out of the room like he was some kind of hoogar Carmen Miranda. He managed to convince the cops that he was the hotel maid.

On Wednesday night, another newbie decided he’d collect his reference by getting a blowjob in his car while parked on a side street north of East 6th. He’s sitting there in the dark, with a provider’s head bobbing up and down in his lap, when a cop knocks on the window and shines in his flashlight. The cop gestures for the guy to roll down the window. “What the hell is going on here?”

Surprised, the newbie stutters, “Err, officer…I’m...uh…I’m getting head from my wife!”

“Your wife can’t blow you on a public street! You do that shit at home!”

“Well, to tell you the truth, officer, I didn’t know it was my wife until you shined your light in here!”

Shyster Jon is pretty sure this newbie will get off, but in the meantime, he’s grounded. “Lucy…You got some ‘splaining to do!”

One of the older newbies booked a session with young Asian Emma, who has a reputation for leaving guys in a puddle on the floor. Just to make sure he was “up for the session”, he made himself a Red Bull and Viagra cocktail of his own concoction – he called it a “Mount & Do”.

Unfortunately, there was a small fly-speck on the label of his new Viagra prescription, and he wasn’t wearing his glasses. Instead of “Take 20 minutes before sex”, he thought the label said, “Take 20, minutes before sex”.

What do you call an erection lasting more than 48 hours? I don’t know about you, but he called it “a pretty damn good time!”

But now he’s in traction at St. David’s Medical Center, and Asian Emma was admitted with the worst case of lockjaw the Emergency Room has ever seen. She ain’t giving no references right now.

The good news is he’s OK -- the tent pole is down and the circus has left town. I went to visit him in the hospital. To make small talk, I mentioned I read that you can go deaf from taking too much Viagra. He just looked at me with a puzzled expression and said, “Who’s Jeff? And why did he go to Niagara?”

Two guys made appointments with girls they found on Backpage. One got robbed, and the other, much to his chagrin, found out what Backpage whores and bungee jumping have in common. They both cost a hundred bucks, and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.

Three other newbs worked together and scored 27 appointments amongst them -- and got NCNS’d 27 times! Every. Single. Time. It was like Whack-A-Mole with hookers.

One of these guys got NCNS’d by Becky GoodHead TWELVE TIMES. They say that God gave man a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time. I think we can guess which one this numbnuts was running.

Of course, all of us are talking about the newbie who blew the TS Gurl. Toyz was afraid to call for that reference, for fear it would interfere with his own ability to get an erection for the foreseeable future.

Two of us newbs actually got references -- although, upon investigation, Toyz found out that the other guy had gotten his by paying the provider two times her standard rate -- $500! -- for what she called “a newbie session”. Whispers said he was going to “beat him with the OPEC stick”…whatever that means.

…so that left me. I got my reference from Claire She Blows, and she confirmed it. While exactly how I got it wasn’t pretty, it was an “untainted” reference (no, Pyramider, I didn’t see no taint) – so my accomplishment was celebrated. I guess I’m the fastest kid in the slow class.

As I had anticipated, Whispers pitched a fit. He ripped me a new one for going to Claire (or “the Antichrist” as he calls her), and he held up Claire’s latest ad as proof of his viewpoint:




As if that isn’t bad enough, in the middle of Whispers’ tirade, RockerRick walks in with Mail Call and hands me a package wrapped in pink with a big “CSB” sticker on the front. Whispers immediately grabs it out of my hands and rips it open.

First, he reads Claire’s note out loud to the class…

Dear Allnighter,

I wanted to drop you a note to say how much I enjoyed our session the other day. Toyz told me that I could write to you care of Newbie Boot Camp.

Please find your “30-second club” tee shirt enclosed. I hope it’s the right size.

You ran off so fast that I didn’t have a chance to say that I shouldn’t have charged you $200 for a 30-second session.

However, I don’t give refunds – so I decided to go shopping instead! I bought myself a nice shirt with your over-payment. Aphrodite helped me pick it out.

I’ve enclosed an 8” x 10” for you to remember our session by. I hope you like it!

Aphrodite said to tell you, “Bless your heart!”

Love, Claire She Blows

P.S. You left your tax returns and birth certificate behind. What should I do with them?

…then he shows everybody the picture:





Session with Claire -- $200.00. “30-second club” tee-shirt -- $14.95. Completely humiliating photograph -- $19.95.

The look on my face…Priceless.

Just when I think it can’t get any worse, Toyz’ cell phone rings, and he answers it. Of course, we can only hear Toyz’ side of the ensuing conversation:

“Hey, St. Christopher! Whassup?”

“Doin’ fine, doin’ fine. Just chillin’ with my newbies.”

“Yeah, last week’s exercise was a little rocky. That’s what we’re talking about right now.”

“What you say?” Toyz takes the phone from his ear, and puts it against his chest. He looks out at us. “Hey! Anybody see the Jimmy Kimmel show last week?”

I’m struck by a sudden urge to go to the bathroom. I start creeping my way towards the exit…

Toyz has the phone back up at his ear. “You’re shitting me, Chris! Please tell me that you’re shitting me?”

“ALLNIGHTER!!”

I’m almost out the door when RockerRick grabs my elbow, and leans in close. “Where do you think you’re going, newbie?” he whispers in my ear. “Your ass is mine. Can you spell tongue push-ups?”

RockerRick frog-marches me back to the front of the room. Toyz is sitting at his desk, with his face buried in his hands.

“#theallnightersucks? Lindsay Lohan??” Toyz whispers. “What have you done to me, newbie???”

He raises his head, and looks out at all of us newbs.

“It’s ‘come to Jesus’ time, boys! St Christopher is sending Still Looking down to talk to us. Everybody hang out for a bit.” Toyz swings his gaze to me. “…And you come over here, asshole.”

So two hours later, I’m still standing in the corner with a dunce cap over my dick when Toyz, RockerRick, Whispers and a very pissed-off looking Still Looking walk into the room.

The following scene ensues…

Still Looking: “LET ME HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR A MOMENT!”

“So you're talking about what? You're talking about...(puts out his cigarette)...bitching about some provider that keeps asking you for references, that NCNS you got, some other whore who won’t have sex with you?”

“You’re making fun of some potato farmer’s wife? Some broad you wouldn’t fuck on a bet? An old, insignificant hooker with thick thighs and a large, luscious ass? Long Titian red hair, olive skin, a Rubenesque figure…”

Still Looking fades off into reverie… No matter how many hot, young blonde spinners I bang, I can’t get her out of my mind. I’ve even got her in my ECCIE signature line… it’s a sickness!

Toyz: “SL? SL, the newbies are waiting. SL?”

Still Looking snaps back to reality…

Still Looking: “Sorry…I lost my train of thought there for a minute. OK, let's get this show on the road. Are they all here, Toyz?”

Toyz: “All but one.”

Still Looking: “Well, I'm going in.”

“Let's talk about something important! YOU THERE! Goofball! PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN!! Coffee's for closers only.”

Newbie Goofball: “Are you kidding?”

Still Looking: “Do you think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Mitch and Murray. And I'm here on a mission of mercy.”

“Err…Wait a minute -- wrong speech.”

“I’m here from St. Christopher. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. What’s your name, newbie?”

Newbie Cowboy: “Llano cowboy.”

Still Looking: “You call yourself a whoremonger, you son of a bitch? You paid $500 for a session, just to get a reference??”

“St. Christopher sent me down here tonight to give you guys a grammar lesson. He’s convinced that you don’t know the difference between ‘knowing your pussies’ and ‘knowing you’re pussies’. And that starts with you, Cowboy!”

Newbie Cowboy: “I don't have to listen to this shit!”

Still Looking: “You certainly don't, pal. 'Cause the good news is -- you're fired. The bad news is you've got -- all of you have got -- just one week to regain your jobs, starting tonight.”

Newbie #3 (whispers to Newbie #4): “Fired? Does he realize that we’re all volunteers?”

Newbie #4 (whispers back): “I don’t think this is a good time to bring that up, dude.”

Still Looking: “Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this Newbie Boot Camp. We’re going to have a competition.”

“First prize is you get to be my Wingman for a year. All-expenses-paid pussy for twelve months. It’ll be sloppy seconds -- but it’ll be free. I’ll teach you everything I know. You’ll get more ass than a toilet seat.”

“Anyone want to see second prize?”

“Second prize is a Fleshlight.” (Holds it up) “Yeah, I know it looks a little worn out…it’s the Whispers ‘Signature Edition’”.

“Third prize is…a full year’s pre-paid subscription on Grindr and a case of K-Y jelly. You’re off my Board, losers.”

“You get the picture? You laughing now? See if you’re still laughing when some guy is jockeying for pole position in your chocolate-covered speedway!”

“You got ads. These providers paid good money to post these ads, so you can come and fuck them! These are leads! You can't close the leads you're given? You can't close shit? You ARE shit! Hit the bricks, newbie!”

“I won’t have to tell you to beat it, because I know you’re already doin’ that!”

Newbie Cowboy: “The leads are weak.”

Still Looking: “'The leads are weak.' Fuckin’ leads are weak? You're weak! I use the same leads that you’ve got, and I get more ass than a Park Avenue proctologist.”

Newbie Goofball: “Mr. Looking, Sir? SL? What do I call you??”

Still Looking: “FUCK YOU, that's what you call me!! You know why, Mister? 'Cause you just spent a week trying to get into Becky GoodHead’s shorts, and got NCNS’d 12 times in a row! I fucked 200 different women last year! That's my name!!”

Turns to The Allnighter and speaks in a near-whisper. “You know the difference between a whore who’s a slut, and a whore who’s a bitch? A slut will have sex with anyone. A bitch will have sex with anyone…but you.”

“You can't play in a man's game? You can't close them? Go home and tell your wife your troubles…see if you can get a sympathy fuck? You’ll just get the usual -- a fuck once a year, on your birthday.”

Hey! Hey! Hey! Did Aphrodite tell him about that???

“ONLY ONE THING COUNTS IN THE HOBBY! Get them to spread on the bed and give head! YOU HEAR ME, you fucking faggots?”

Still Looking walks to the whiteboard and writes down two sets of letters: ABC and AIBA.

Still Looking: “A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-calling. Always be calling! Always be calling!! Half the girls are going to NCNS you, even when you have confirmed appointments! So book four appointments -- two won’t show, you stand one up and fuck the last one silly!!”

“A-I-B-A. Availability. Interest. Benjamins. Anticipation.” He starts ticking off the words on his fingers.

“Availability – She’s available – do you have the ability?”

“Interest – Is she interested? I know you are, because it's fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks!”

“The Benjamins – You’ve got them; she wants them! When you do the hokey-pokey, that’s what it’s all about! Can you close the deal?”

“Anticipation – If she’s not getting wet thinking about your upcoming visit, you don’t have her attention! I make ‘em so wet, they think they’re on a sinking ship! From what I’ve seen of you guys, the only way you’ll ever get a pussy wet is to put it in the shower.”

“A-I-B-A. Get out there!! THE PROSPECTS ARE OUT THERE! You think these girls book a motel room to get out of the rain? A hooker don’t rent a spread unless she wants to spread! They’re sitting out there, wearing out their Hitachi magic wands, waiting for you to come and give them your money! That pussy is steaming! Are you man enough to take it?”

Newbie #3 visibly winces.

“What's the problem, pal? You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this? Wait until Whispers and RockerRick catch you posting in Austin Co-Ed! That’ll be abuse! If you don't like this -- leave.”

“I can open up the same SNATCH threADS you’ve got and go out there and get myself laid four times tonight! In four hours! Can you? Or you? Go and do likewise! A-I-B-A!! Grow some balls, you sons of bitches! Get mad!!”

“Do you know what it takes to nail pussy?”

He pulls something out of his briefcase.

Still Looking: “It takes brass balls to nail pussy!”



Newbie Cowboy: “You're such a stud. You've got so many reviews. Why are you coming down here to waste your time on a bunch of newbs?”

Still Looking sits down next to Newbie Cowboy and sets his troll down in front of him.

Still Looking: “You see this troll? Do you see this troll?”

Newbie Cowboy: “Yeah…”

Still Looking: “This troll got more snatch in the last 12 months than you’ve seen in your lifetime. I’ve fucked 600 girls in the last three years. How many did you fuck?”

“You see, pal, that's who I am. And you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you -- go home and play with your kids!!”

To everyone: “You wanna be a man-whore? GET OUT THERE AND FUCK!!”

Newbie Goofball: “That shit is easy for you to say…you’re the famous “Still Looking”. You’ve got like 300 reviews -- all the chicks know who you are. You write a review about a girl, and the next morning, there’s a line of guys standing outside her door. She’s golden. I’m surprised you don’t just lie in bed and let the girls call you.”

“Me, I’m a nobody. I’m look like David Douchehurst! No hooker ever heard of me, and they don’t care who I am. It’s not a fair comparison, dude.”

Still Looking: “I don’t need the handle – I’ve got the mojo! I could call girls and tell them my name was Harry Balzac or Homer Sexual, and that I didn’t have a reference in the world – and I’d still get more pussy than you!”

“All I need is 5 minutes on the phone with a hoogar and I’m in! I’ve got the moves like Jagger. These girls are getting wet before I hang up the phone!”

“Go out and do likewise, gents. The pussy's out there. You pick it up, it's yours. If not, you're going to be jerking off on your shoes.”

“You wanna dip your wick? You make those calls tonight and close. You don't, I’ve got no sympathy for you! …bunch of losers sitting around the motel bar. (in a mocking weak voice) ‘Oh yeah, I want to be a whoremonger, but it's tough. Those hookers are so picky.’”

SL takes out large stack of red index cards tied together with string from his briefcase.

“These are the new leads. These are the ‘Weekend Line-Up’ ads. And to you, they're gold. And you don't get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away.”

He hands the stack to Toyz. “They're for closers.”

He turns to Newbie Cowboy as he picks up his troll and puts it away.

“…And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because St. Christopher is afraid to watch the Jimmy Kimmel Show ever again. He asked me for this favor.”

“The real favor, I said, would be to follow my advice and fire your fucking asses -- because losers are losers. Playingnthedark told me thatyou guys couldn't get blown at a Weight Watchers meeting if your dicks were made of chocolate…and he should know.”

SL stares at Newbie Cowboy for a second, and then, picking up his briefcase, walks out of the room with Toyz.

We all sat there in stunned silence. You could hear a pin drop.

What do we do? Do we pack up and leave? What?

We got our answer a few minutes later, when Toyz came back into the room and began talking to individual newbies in hushed whispers. After a few conversations, he went back out of the room.

30 minutes later, Still Looking walked back in, followed by Toyz, Whispers and RockerRick.

“OK, newbs. Toyz tells me that I got your attention, but that some of you still don’t know what to do to book a session. You want to see a real-time demonstration of the “Still Looking mojo”-- up close and personal.”

“I’ve got to be out of my mind for doing this -- but if you want a demo, I’ll give you a demo. OK. Open your brain tanks, bro’s -- ‘cause here comes some 94-octane premium knowledge! I’m gonna explain the ‘Still Looking Mojo Method’ to y’all.”

“I want you all to remember the first rule of Fight Club: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you DO NOT talk about Fight Club! One of you guys talks about the Mojo Method outside of this room, and you’re going to fuck up the reality show I’m pitching, ‘Still Looking for Miss Goodbar’. LISTEN UP!”

The next two hours were an amazing exposition of a master at work – a “hooker whisperer”, as he likes to call himself. I can’t disclose the details of the Mojo Method, because I’m sworn to secrecy, but it’s built around Still Looking’s “Eight Commandments”:

THE MOJO METHOD

1. Thou shalt talk on the phone – avoid PMs and texts whenever you can. Make a personal connection.
2. Wet their appetite – Always start out by saying you want a long, long session. Remember, it’s all about the Benjamins.
3. Hey, Big Spender! – Never mind the size of your dick – keep dropping hints about the size of your bankroll! You want her to shout, “SHOW ME THE MONEY!”
4. ThOU SHALT Dangle gifts – Hookers are chicks. They want to be made to feel unique…just like every other hooker you’re trying to bang.
5. Don’t forget to neg – Keep ‘em off-balance. Remember who’s got to have the upper hand here.
6. THOU SHALT Play hard to get – Who’s chasing who? She should be chasing you. You should be chasing the next hooker.
7. HONOR The bait and switch – Once she’s wet, drop it to a 30-minute session and promise her, “Our next session will be real long.”
8. THOU SHALT Close the deal BEFORE YOU HANG UP—Don’t hang up the phone until you can hear the pussy juice dripping on the floor!

Then came the moment we were all waiting for -- the live demonstration. Still Looking told us to all break out our hobby phones and start calling providers. He told us he wanted us to only call hookers whose Showcases said “DEFINITELY NOT NEWBIE-FRIENDLY”. “Real men don’t play golf with a handicap.”

Our crystal-clear instructions were to get one hooker on the phone – live. We could call, text or PM. He didn’t care. The objective was to get a live call-back.

If we texted, PM’d or left a voice message, all we were allowed to say is, “Looking for a 2-hour session. Maybe an overnighter. Call XXX-XXX-XXXX.”

For the next hour, 8 newbies were heads-down, with their faces buried in phones, tablets and lap-tops. We were smilin’ and dialin’. It was a Boiler Room.

Suddenly, a phone rings. One of the newbies jumps up, holds his phone up high and screams, “RECO!!!”

Everything and everyone in the room stops dead. There is a slight pause, and then CHAOS. Still Looking runs across the room, jumps over a table and grabs the newbie’s phone right out of his hand -- knocking him down in the process.

Still Looking: “Name?”
Newbie #6: “OK, her name's Amber. She dances part-time at P10 and from the sound of it, I'd say she's definitely...”
Still Looking: “Whoa, whoa, I don't wanna hear it, kid.”

Still Looking sets the iPhone into speaker mode, cranks up the volume and sets it down on the table. Everyone crowds around – newbies on one side of the table; Toyz, Whispers and RockerRick on the other.

Still Looking: “Hello, Amber? How ‘ya doin’, sugar tits? Thanks for calling me back, babe.”
Amber: “Who is this?”
Still Looking: “Sorry! I forgot that you don’t know me. My name is Hugh G. Rection, and I’m lookin’ for some love tonight!”
Amber: “Oh, gee. I don’t know. I’m really busy.”
Still Looking: “No problem, babe. I’m looking for at least a two-hour block, and maybe an overnighter. I figured that a popular, high-volume girl like you wouldn’t have time for me.”
Amber: “I’m not high-volume! Who told you that?”
Still Looking: “Look, I’m really pressed for time. You caught me in the middle of a session. I have two girls here right now, and I have another 2 or 3 girls that I’m supposed to call tonight. I really can’t talk on the phone, because I need to get my $1000 worth!”
Amber: “Oh? You’re in a session now? With two girls?”
Still Looking: “Yeah, they’re killin’ me! Can you excuse me for just a second, babe?”

He turns his back on the phone and speaks loudly.

Still Looking: “Girls, do these jeans make my wallet look fat?”

SL gestures to Toyz and RockerRick, and they let out a bunch of high-pitched giggles. “Oh, Hugh G! Your wallet does look fat, but Candy and I are going to thin it out for you!” More high-pitched giggles.

Still Looking: “Then you’re gonna have your hands full, girls! That’s more than a two-girl job! …Excuse me for a second, girls.”

SL turns back to the phone.

Still Looking: “Amber, are you still there, babe?”
Amber: “Yeah, I am – but it sounds like you’re busy right now, and so am I. I’m busy for the rest of the night, actually.”
Still Looking: “No problem, babe. I was actually just calling to get some recommendations from you. I’m looking for a couple of the hottest girls in Austin, and I was wondering if you might give me names of some girls that I should call.”
Amber: “Names? You want me to give you names? Of other girls??”
Still Looking: “You’re a sweetheart. I knew that you’d help. I’m kind of pressed for time. I’m going into the Witness Protection Program on Thursday morning, and I’ve only got 48 hours to spend the rest of this ten grand that I embezzled from the Mob. I need to find some hot party girls…fast!”
Amber: “Well, I’m a party girl, and I’m hot. Who told you that I wasn’t hot?”
Still Looking: “I’m sure you are, babe. You’ve got to be at least…what? An 8? But I’m looking for the thoroughbreds…’cause the way I ride, I’m gonna guarantee that they finish first!”
Amber: “Are you saying that I’m not a thoroughbred?”
Still Looking: “Hold on for a second, babe.”

He turns his back on the phone again.

Still Looking: “How you like those presents, girls?” He gestures at Toyz and RockerRick again.
Toyz (in a high-pitched voice): “Oh, Hugh G! You shouldn’t have! I love champagne!!”
RockerRick (also in a high-pitched voice): “SHRIEK! La Perla gift cards?? Hugh G – you’re the bomb!”
Toyz (still in a high-pitched voice): “And edible panties, too? Strawberry is my favorite flavor!”
Still Looking: “Go ahead, girls – try on those silk stockings. I bought them in Paris. I want stockings on my girls when I tear that pussy up – but right now, I’ve got to finish this call.”

SL makes a cutting motion with his hand, and Toyz and Rick go silent. SL turns back to the phone.

Still Looking: “I’m sorry, Amber. You were saying…”
Amber: “No, Hugh G. You were saying -- you were saying that you don’t think I’m a thoroughbred?”
Still Looking: “No, no, no! Did I say that, babe? I’m looking at your Showcase right now and you sure look fine. Oh, baby! You must be an elevator, because I sure want to go down on you!”
Amber: “Well, that’s better. I might be able to clear some time in my schedule tomorrow morning…if you want to send me your references tonight. That way, I can screen you and then call you back in the morning.”

SL smiles and makes a “jerking off” gesture with his hand.

Still Looking: “Sure, babe, sure. I can do that. Are these pictures in your Showcase current? ‘Cause a little birdie told me that you’ve put on a few pounds.”
Amber: “WHO TOLD YOU THAT??? Is Shayla there?? You tell that bitch that I’ll come over and kick her ass!”
Still Looking: “Calm down, calm down. I don’t know any Shayla. I’m sure that you are still as hot as these pictures. You’re smokin’ babe. Too bad you’re not a brunette, ‘cause I’m taking a little break from blondes right now.”
Amber: “Don’t say that, Hugh G! Everybody knows that blondes are more fun!”
Still Looking: “I feel ya, babe, I feel ya. I’m sure that you could win me back to the cause. It sure is tempting…but tomorrow morning just isn’t going to work for me. I’m pretty sure that I forgot a blowjob at your place, and I was counting on coming by to pick it up tonight…”

Pause. Everyone is holding their breath. SL doesn't even look mildly concerned. Then...

Amber: “…well, I might be able to shuffle some things around. Maybe I could fit you in for a 30-minute session tonight…”

Everyone in room stifles their laughter.

Still Looking: “Aww, babe – you’re a sweetheart! I bet your ass looks like a cell phone – ‘cause I want to hit the pound button all night long!”
Amber: “Oh, Hugh G! I bet you say that to all the girls!”
Still Looking: “Well, they do call me the fireman – ‘cause I really know how to turn the ho’s on! Look, babe, I really appreciate the 30-minute offer, but I’ve got two girls here suffering from a severe shortage of Vitamin D – and they’re begging me for intensive care. I don’t wanna cut this session short. I’ve already given these girls both a really big tip, and I need to make sure that I get my money’s worth.
…a nice sampler session with you sure does sound tempting, though…Maybe just to get me warmed up for the full overnighter before I leave town on Thursday morning.”

Huge pause. SL still doesn't even look mildly concerned. Then...

Amber: “…well, I guess I can clear an hour for you at 9 PM. I really don’t like that Alien Life Form guy that much. I could NCNS him…”

A couple of newbies fall to the ground, rolling on the floor, laughing. SL just waits silently, with his arms crossed across his chest. 30 seconds go by…

Amber: “…and I guess that I could give you my 30-minute rate for the hour session – but only if you promise me that overnighter for Wednesday night. They’ll have to carry you into that Witness Protection thingie, I guarantee you!”
Still Looking: “Oh, baby! I’m putting both those appointments in my calendar right now. Hey! Do you hear something dripping, or is it just me?”
Amber: “What?”
Still Looking: “Look, I’m gonna give you back to my Personal Assistant, and he’s gonna get all that address info from ya, babe.
Oh, baby! Get ready for the snowstorm! You’re gonna get so many inches tonight that it will be mildly inconvenient for you to move in the morning!”
Amber: “I can’t wait, Hugh G! I’ll see you at 9 o’clock!”

SL mutes the phone. “Hold onto your ankles, Amber – here comes the love!”

He turns to the assembled newbies and says, “Done and Done!” He takes a bow.

The room explodes in a standing ovation! The newbies go nuts!!

Still Looking: “OK, girls. I need to go. I’ve already got back-to-back sessions booked for myself tonight. Who wants to take Amber off my hands?”

I’m just about to raise my hand, when I feel RockerRick’s hand holding down my forearm. “Not you, newbie. Your ass is mine!”

Jesus…maybe I need to find another hobby…

[readysetgo12]

Bravo! Take a bow! That shit is hilarious. I saw GGR on Broadway a few years ago epic!

And a well done cameo from my fav - CSB!

[onei]

I'm not reading all of that … give me the short version. :-D

[PlainVanillaATX]

Goddamn! You have a gift brother! Keep it coming.

- Nilla (T Minus 2 Days and Counting)

[Mr Peabody]

What an accurate portrayal of Uncle SL!
....except for the 600 girls over the last 3 years.

[David.Douchehurst]

Originally Posted by Mr Peabody

What an accurate portrayal of Uncle SL!
....except for the 600 girls over the last 3 years.

Yeah, it's prolly closer ta 800 'r 900. Tha man's got a shee-yit tun o' munny an' a 32 GB mem'ry card fer his Kodak an' he ain't a-feered ta use eye-thar o' them.

An' tha gals ain't a-feered ta let'im use eye-thar o' them, too!

[Guest021716-4]

SDR- The Allnighter has captivated me yet again! Bravo!

[The Allnighter]

I wish I had known you were moving back to Austin full-time!

I came so close to calling the Amber in this piece, "Scarlett De Rossi" -- just to give you some props!

[Ginger08]

OMG!!! This was friggin hilarious! U def have a gift! I was LOL the whole time! Some useful info for me to on what NOT to fall for, too! So, thanks for that and for the laughs cause i sure needed it! 😄💋😄

[The Allnighter]

Thanks for the props on my little Newbie Boot Camp thing.

Welcome to the Austin Board -- we're a laugh a minute here.

It's great to add another redhead...or two. I'm sure that, as soon as you post some pics, Still Looking will be on you like red on a fire truck!

Me? I'm just trying to grow up and be like Toyz!