After two tough weeks in Newbie Boot Camp, we finally had a week that was fun.
Toyz gave lessons on “How to do Research on Hookers”, and every evening, the newbies hung out in the motel bar and drank ourselves senseless.
After our “reference-getting” exercise the other week, word got out in the hoogar community that Newbie Boot Camp is underway, and that the motel bar at “Big Dick’s Halfway Inn” is loaded with naïve newbies looking to get laid.
No man was safe.
It was great! We all got to practice the “Still Looking Mojo Method” and score some pussy – even though it was a bit like shooting fish in a barrel. Or maybe sharks. Or sharks in platform heels and thongs. Whatever it was, it was fun!
We were getting pretty good. I don’t have the moves like Jagger quite yet – maybe more like Keith Richards (and the looks to match!) -- but I did land a lady with an ECCIE showcase: Dirty Diana. She’s coming to my room one night later this week.
On Monday, Toyz walked us through the basic things we should research before we book a date with a provider. Most of it was pretty straightforward.
Still Looking came in on Tuesday and gave a great presentation on Showcases (http://www.eccie.net/showthread.php?...unny+showcases). Besides being funny, it taught us to look really carefully at Showcase pictures – you never know what you might see!
On Wednesday, the classes started to get really interesting...
Toyz told us that mongers are visual animals, and as a result, we over-focus on the pictures we see in the ladies’ Showcases. The girls understand this, and play picture games to keep us guessing.
“Mongers encounter two big problems when we try to use Showcase pictures to make a Hobby decision,” Toyz said.
- “Many girls don’t post photos showing their faces. Sometimes, you only see her from the back, or only from the neck down. We understand that girls want to conceal their identity – but this forces us to decide without an important piece of data: What are you going to be face-to-face with when she opens the door?”
- “Other girls show their faces, but hire professional photographers and make-up artists for their pictures. The shots are airbrushed and photoshopped, and come out looking like something from Playboy. You say “Wow!!” -- but is that what she really looks like? Sometimes the pictures are 5 years old. When she opens the door with no make-up on, will you even recognize her?”
“RockerRick and I are both write custom software in our spare time. So, we decided to write some software to help. We’re going to show you those programs right now.”
Rick presented the first piece of software – which he called “Modified TinEye”.
“Everybody should know what ‘TinEye’ is – it searches the internet for a match to any digital photograph. If a girl posts a smokin’ hot picture in a Backpage ad, you can use TinEye to figure out that she really stole that picture from a porn star’s website – and doesn’t look like that at all.”
“I modified TinEye to do something even more important – take a picture missing a face, or even the whole head, and find a picture that shows that missing face or head. It searches the internet, Social Media (Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter, etc) and even on-line dating sites. If a provider has posted a real pic somewhere, we track it down and show you what her face looks like. No surprises!”
Let me show you a demo…
Everybody know Kitty Bunny Fuck – she’s a great provider, but doesn’t have any pictures in her Showcase – except for her avatar:
…but if we run Modified TinEye, we can see what she looks like. She’s a doll, isn’t she?
Everybody knows Jenn’s Lolli -- she’s an Austin Legend! Like other girls, her Showcase doesn’t show her face…
Sadly, Jenn’s is now retired, but still dispenses priceless advice. readysetgo12 has dubbed her “the female Yoda of the Board”. Now that we can see her face, you know why…
Saving the best for last, here’s the incomparable Miss Valentina – no face pic here, either:
But once you can see her face, she’s a knock-out!
Then Toyz got up to present the second piece of software.
“Rick tackled the ‘no-headed picture’ problem, and I tackled the other – what if you can see a girl’s face, but it’s so heavily made-up and photoshopped that you’re not sure what she really looks like?”
“I call my software ‘Make-up Remover’. It takes any professional photograph and strips off the digital enhancements, photoshops away the make-up and fancy hair, and presents exactly what the girl looks ‘au naturel’.”
Let me show you a demo…
Whispers is always talking about the OIO’s. Here’s one of the famous ones – Hot Lips Hoolihan! Not too bad, huh?
…Until you run ‘Make-up Remover’!
Scary, huh? Here’s something that happened to Still Looking the other day. Based on her Showcase pictures, he booked an appointment with AshlynM:
When he opened the door to her incall, and surprise, surprise! Courtesy of Make-up Remover:
…but here’s my favorite! Austin’s own Becky GoodHead:
…but run Make-up Remover, and you’ll see what you get when you open the door!
“Well, today’s Thursday. We’ve covered a lot of ground over the last couple of days on how to research providers. The last subject we need to discuss is how you use on-line reviews to make good decisions about pussy. This gets us to a critical point in your newbie training. We’re about to take you into the
inner sanctum…to reveal to you the most closely-guarded secrets in the Hobby.”
“But first, we’ve got to get y’all to swear to abide by
the Code.” Seeing our perplexed faces, Toyz’ face grew solemn. “Has nobody here heard of the ‘Bro Code’??”
One of the newbies raised his hand, and shouted out, “Isn’t that the thing on that TV show? ‘
How I Met Your Mother’?”
“Yeah -- Barney Stinson!!” Another newbie added. “
Bro’s before Ho’s!” Everyone laughs.
Toyz rolled his eyes. “Sheesh! I can’t believe our shit is on TV. Do you
really think that a bunch of white Manhattan yuppies go ‘round talking about ‘Bro’s before Ho’s’? Are you that stupid?”
“The original Bro Code, the
real Bro Code, pre-dates that TV show by 20 years. It
originated in the Hobby Community, where it
really meant Bro’s before Ho’s – that is, fellow hobbyists ahead of providers. Then, some newbie asshole comedy writer on the California ECCIE Board learned about the ‘Bro Code,’ and thought it would be funny material for a TV show he was writing – and,
voila, out comes a TV version! Other than using the word ‘Ho’s’, that TV version has nothing to do with the Hobby.”
“We all know how needle-dick wannabe comedy writers steal Hobby stuff and make fun of it…” He looked at me.
“…don’t we, Allnighter?”
Ouch!
“If you’re going to be a respected member of the Hobby Community – a monger, or a ‘Bro’ – you need to embrace the Code.”
And, thus, Toyz introduced us to the Bro Code:
The ORIGINAL Bro Code
1. Bro’s before ho’s
2. Wrap it before you tap it! A bro
never goes into sexual combat without a helmet…unless, like, he has a chance to cop a BBBJ.
3. Every bro knows that the Hobby is like the “Secret Service” – except you don’t get to go to Colombia and there are, apparently, fewer hookers involved. Any bro who threatens to “out” another bro is a Dick, attempting to interfere with his fellow bro’s constitutionally-guaranteed right to life, liberty and pursuit of pussy. The Founding Fathers would, like, kick your ass, dude.
4. A bro will never make fun of the length of another bro’s weiner or how many seconds he lasts in the sack -- unless, of course, you can get it on cellphone video. Then you can pwn that biatch!!
5. All bro’s recognize that, in the 21st century, on-line reviews are the lube in the Hobby engine. All Mods get
outrageous amounts of free pussy to let hoogars read their unexpurgated reviews -- so “Review Honesty” is the leading cause of monger “pussy starvation”. Therefore, it’s just self-defense to lie your ass off in reviews and give “YES” reco’s for the worst fucks you’ve ever received.
When writing a review, a bro’s only obligation to his fellow bro’s is to incorporate the agreed-upon Secret Warning Codes into the review, so fellow bro’s don’t accidentally follow his pecker tracks and end up with bad pussy.
6.
Every bro shall, at all times, treat verified providers with dignity and respect (unless they, like, NCNS him more than twice) --
‘cause they’ve got all the pussy! Where else are guys like us going to get pussy
that fine, short of a mercy-fuck? …and we hear that Jenns Lolli ain’t giving those out anymore.
The White Knight corollary: Any bro who comes to a lady’s defense against cruelty or slander on the Board shall immediately PM the lady a copy of his noble deed, so it can be recorded in The Great Book of “You Owe Me One” -- entitling him to ask for a pair of her panties….
…Which you then wear, dude – ‘cause you’re a pussy!
7. Each and every bro must learn to throw the dick like a porn star (
a straight, male porn star – do I have to spell it out for you, dude?). Not only is this a matter of bro pride, but our studies indicate if we don’t continue to give the girls
the 12.3 orgasms per session they’re accustomed to (
based on female orgasms reported in 4312 ECCIE reviews posted between 2010 and 2014), they will be tempted to raise prices. And that would be
heinous, bro!
8. A bro will never write a “NO” reco or post an otherwise critical review about his best-bro’s ATF. He is, however, allowed to wickedly mock the guy out if she weighs more than the bro himself, or only gives CBJs.
9. If a bro is in a hot session with one or more providers and runs out of condoms, he may text any other bro, at any time of the day or night, to request an “emergency air drop”. Any bro receiving said distress call must immediately drop everything and come to his bro’s aid.
This pact among bro’s is sacred.
However, when making the emergency condom delivery, at no point may the bro’s hands touch, or the motel room door be open more than 30 degrees. Seeing another guy’s boner is not cool, bro!
The Viagra amendment: This same moral obligation applies to a requested delivery of Viagra, Cialis or any other ED medicine – ‘cause, that’s just a mission of mercy, dude.
10. When one bro introduces another bro to a provider in any social setting (such as a strip club, or the South-side Social), a bro
always exaggerates his fellow bro’s sexual prowess, the size of his dick and his number of alleged references.
11. If a bro’s wife suspects her husband has been gone all night chasing hoogars and calls her husband’s bro’s to determine his whereabouts,
every single bro must say that her husband got drunk and passed out at that bro’s place the night before. At least half his bro’s must claim that her husband is
still there, talking to Ralph on the ceramic telephone.
12. If two bro’s get into a heated argument about the quality of some pussy, or a particular provider’s BCD skillz, and one bro says something out-of-line or hateful, the other bro will not expect him to apologize or “take it back” – that shit is for chicks.
13. If a bro ever tells another bro of his intention to book a session involving a single provider for which that bro will pay more than $300/hour, the bro hearing this statement is required to immediately throw a glass of ice water on the guy’s crotch and tell him, “Walk it off, dude!”
Jules Milano, Layla Angelique and Slave Guinevere are the only approved exceptions to this rule, ‘cause that pussy is…wait for it…LEGENDARY!
14. If a bro obtains advance knowledge that a particularly hot traveling provider, or better yet, a porn star, is coming to town for a “limited-time engagement,” he must IMMEDIATELY post an alert in the ECCIE Men’s Lounge to “share the wealth” with his fellow mongers. He does get first dibs, though.
15. If a bro ever brags about the size of his dick in any ECCIE post, all other bro’s must immediately point out that he is a douche, and PM the guy’s hobby phone number to every TS Girl on the Board. This goes double for posting pictures of your dick – this ain’t Tinder, bro.
16. When a bro is out with his bro’s, he must
never admit to having an interest in pegging, or to being “bi-curious”. Those are boner-killers right there, dude.
17. A bro may
never give a Bat-Shit Crazy hooker another bro’s real-world contact info, no matter how smokin’ hot she is or how out-of-this-world the promised sex is going to be. Tough it out, dude -- only a bro can decide to subject himself to
that grief.
18. A bro does not challenge another bro to try a sex position or to do a particular hoogar that he could not/would not do himself. If the bro turns down the challenge and gets called a pussy by other bro’s, he may invoke “Article 18”, and the
challenger must perform that act, or do that hooker, ON VIDEO.
Exception: If you challenge a bro to try an obviously bogus sex position (like “the downward-facing duck-billed platypus”) and he falls for it, you and 3 other bro’s may bust in on the session and laugh your ass off.
You are, however, responsible for the cost of any emergency room or chiropractor visits resulting from your prank.
19. If a bro tells another bro of his intention to fuck any hooker who is less than a 4 on the 10-scale, or who is otherwise a completely heinous water buffalo, your first responsibility is to talk him out of it. If he still insists on doing it, your
next responsibility is to talk him into sending you video…’cause, let’s face it,
nothing is more fun than publicly slut-shaming a fellow bro!
20. A bro must never
knowingly book a session with a provider immediately
before or immediately
after any bro that he knows – ‘cause, eww, dude, “hot bunking” is the leading cause of homosexual self-doubt in otherwise healthy bro’s!
21. If a “band of bro’s” uncovers that one member’s selected “whore du jour” is a totally repulsive dick-shrinker, they must not say
anything about it…until at least 60 minutes after the review is posted. ‘Cause then you can’t retract it, dude! Fasten your seatbelt and prepare to be legendary...
and not in a good way.
22. If a bro receives naked picture(s) from a hot provider on his cell phone, all bro’s within a 25-foot radius are immediately entitled to view said pictures –
as long as the bro himself is not in the shot. If he is, the bro must
immediately delete the picture, ‘cause I
never want to see your dick, dude!
23. Gay men can be your best friend, a respected co-worker, or even marry your brother, but they can’t be bro’s -- ‘cause man, nothing kills a boner faster than the errant thought that you might have repressed homosexual tendencies.
24. All bro’s are distracted by the number 69, with its obvious sexual connotation -- rendering every bro incapable of remembering
anything after hearing this number. If a hooker’s phone number, in-call address or motel room includes the number 69,
write that shit down! That’s just science, dude.
A lively Q&A discussion followed Toyz’ presentation of the Bro Code. All the newbies really got into it – this was like joining the Masons or something. Secret knowledge! After a while, everyone was laughing.
Toyz paused for a moment, and then said, “OK, guys, now it’s time to get serious. We need to talk about the most important part of the Bro Code…Article 2.”
“Now that you’re really getting into the Hobby, you’re going to hear a lot of talk about barebacking. Don’t do that shit, man! You’ve got to wrap it before you tap it. It’s a safety issue!”
Whispers, sitting in the back, had on a face like he’d just licked some Eskimo pussy.
Toyz continued. “I can see by the eye-rolls and the looks on your faces that some of you aren’t buying into this – but I’m serious. There are some really nasty STD’s out there. I don’t care if you’re willing to put your own health at risk, but if you endanger our girls, or more importantly, me – I’m gonna kick your ass.”
“Anybody here ever play ‘Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon’? You know, the movie actor?”
One of the newbies raised his hand. “Isn’t that, like, the game where you try to figure out the fewest number of actors that link Kevin Bacon to some other actor through a series of movies?”
“You got it!” Toyz smiled. “Here’s an example. Pay attention. This is science.” (see https://oracleofbacon.org/) “Somebody give me an actor’s name – any actor’s name.”
One of the newbies shouted out, “Tom Cruise!”
“That’s too easy. Kevin Bacon was in ‘A Few Good Men’. Tom Cruise was in ‘A Few Good Men’. They were both in the same movie – that’s one degree of separation. You’ve gotta make it harder than that.”
Another newbie shouted out, “Scarlett Johansson! That bitch is hot!!”
Toyz is like a walking Netflix – he’s kind of a savant. He closed his eyes and thought for a minute. “OK. That’s a little harder. Let’s see… Scarlett Johansson was in ‘Just Cause’ in 1995, and she co-starred with Ed Harris. Ed Harris was in ‘Apollo 13’ with Kevin Bacon, also in 1995. That’s two movies required to link Scarlett Johansson to Kevin Bacon – two degrees of separation. Anyone see where I’m going with this?”
One of the newbies answered. “This has got something to do with the Hobby, doesn’t it?”
“Yup,” Toyz replied. “Who can guess what ‘four degrees of separation’ means in a Hobby context?”
I began to see the light. “It means that any hobbyist in Austin can be linked to any other hobbyist in Austin by having sex with no more than four specific providers, right?”
“Bingo! Gold star for the Allnighter!” Toyz smiled. Maybe I’m getting past that #theallnightersucks shit…“What do you all think two degrees of separation means for newbies?”
I was on a roll here, so I gave it another shot. “Well, since we start out using the same Newbie-Friendly Providers list, I guess it means that every newbie is separated, sexually, from every other newbie by no more than two providers?”
“You got it!” Toyz smiled again. “Allnighter, all that separates you from Llano Cowboy’s precious bodily fluids is two pieces of latex. That’s why you always “suit up” before you start doin’ the horizontal rhumba.”
Eww, man! Llano Cowboy was fuckin’ cows before Newbie Boot Camp started! I’m two degrees of separation away from a Texas Longhorn – and I don’t mean a chick that goes to UT!
Toyz continued. “The more girls you fuck, the smaller that number tends to get. In a couple of weeks, all you guys will have one degree of separation from Still Looking.”
Two newbies high-fived each other.
“We’re gonna play the game now. Everybody here in the room pair up. We’re going to figure out how many degrees of sexual separation you have from each other right this minute.”
Everybody fumbled around for a few minutes as we paired off. By the time I shut down my lap-top and looked up, RockerRick was sitting across from me. “OK, newbie -- it’s you and me,” He has a big smile on his face. “We’re best buds.” Shit!
The room buzzed with muffled conversations as the newbies figured out the common linkages. Everybody was having fun…except for me. After a few minutes, Toyz says, “OK. Time’s up. Let’s hear what you got. Who wants to go first?”
RockerRick stood up. “Well, it looks like Newbie Dickhead here (he points at me) and I have got two degrees of separation.” He holds up two fingers. “Dickhead did Claire She Blows, and Still Looking did Claire She Blows – or JustJane, as she was called then. Still Looking did Slave Guinevere and I did Slave Guinevere. So that’s two hookers to link me to Dickhead. Two degrees of separation.”
I’m two pieces of latex away from RockerRick’s jizz??? Gross me out!!!
“That’s great!” (Easy for you to say, Toyz!) “Who wants to go next?”
Newbie Goofball jumped up. “Hey, I’m one degree of separation from Still Looking!” He high-fived SL. “Still Looking has done Becky GoodHead, and I have done Becky GoodHead! …err, or would have done Becky GoodHead if that bitch had showed up for any of those 12 appointments that I booked...”
“Good...I think.” Toyz turned to two newbies who had paired off with each other. “What did you two guys figure out?”
Both guys’ faces turned red, and they looked down at their feet. ”C’mon! What’s the answer?” Toyz prodded.
One of the two newbies mumbled, “I think it’s zero…”
“Zero? As in you don’t have any links?” Their faces got even redder. “…or zero as in there aren’t any hookers between the two of you?”
The two newbies glared at one another. One hissed, “Hey! You were the guy who said he was bi-curious!”
“Man, don’t hang this one on me!” The other retorted. “I had had, like, 12 shots of JagerMeister! It was date rape, dude!”
The other newbie just waggled his fingers next to his mouth and ear in the simulated phone gesture and mouthed, “Call me”.
Toyz cleared his throat. “I guess this is enough of that exercise. Everybody get my point? Don’t be silly, cover your Willy!”
“OK, today’s Friday, and this is final lesson on Research: ‘reading between the lines in a review’.” Toyz seemed to be glad he was wrapping things up.
“Everybody knows that, even though the “Rest of the Story” portion of ECCIE reviews is supposed to be confidential, the girls figure out how to read that shit. Nothing is confidential – except how many free blowjobs Mods get to sell us out.”
“As a hobbyist, you learn pretty quick that if you say anything critical in a review, the provider will find out and take her revenge. That could take many forms: She could NCNS you on your next session, or suddenly, none of your references call new girls back. Somebody posts a rumor in the Ladies’ Powder Room that you smell bad and have bumps on your dick. Hell, one monger in Houston had an angry provider bite his foreskin off!” Toyz' eyes went crossed, and he put his hand over his crotch.
“Bottom line is,” Toyz said, “…write your reviews like you’re in ‘Lake Wobegon’ – All our girls are above average!”
“Look, this game is like the Cold War. We have an obligation to warn other mongers about bad pussy. The girls have strong incentives to find out who’s talking shit, and exact their revenge. We’ve got to be smart about this – so bro’s invented Secret Warning Codes the girls can’t detect when we incorporate them into reviews.”
“…besides, if any lurkers are reading our reviews, they don’t know the Codes, and they’ll walk straight into some nasty pussy. And that can be hilarious!”
Still Looking laughed out loud. “Yeah! Hot-Lips Hoolihan!!” Toyz cracked up, and he and Still Looking gave each other a fist bump.
“Once you know this shit, it’s like a “Magic Decoder Ring” -- you’ll never read an ECCIE review the same way again. You’ll always be on the look-out for the hidden clues. There are four kinds of Secret Warning Codes.”
“The first technique is pretty easy – it’s blunt, it’s quick. Use this one when you’re the first guy in on some new strange, and you need to get the word out fast before other mongers make the same mistake you just did. Just write a “YES” review with a real short ROS, and say…
…I don’t care what the other reviewers say, this girl is the bomb, or the hottest twat on two legs, or whatever…
Everyone else is fooled, but all us bro’s see the Secret Warning Code, and know don’t go near this pussy. Besides…after a couple of schmucks write bad reviews, she’ll think you’re a White Knight, and you can probably cop a discount BNG or something.
The second technique is equally simple. Any use of the words “-ish” or “-something” or “actually” in a review is an immediate red flag. Some examples:
- She’s about 5’ 4”. I’d put her weight at 140-ish, just like it says in her Showcase...Add 50 pounds right there, dude – the girl is a porker.
- She met me at the door in a black negligee. I’d put her age at 40-something. Look for a Medicare card in her purse! She’s 60, easy.
- When she met me at the door, I was actually surprised. OMG! She’s Freddy Krueger, man! Run!!
“Then we get a little more sophisticated. Thank God for smart phones! Now that girls think many guys are writing reviews on their smart phones, we can get away with a lot of spelling mistakes. This allows us to incorporate warnings using simple mis-spellings of common Hobby acronyms. Here’s a couple of examples:
- MISSH instead of MISH – MISH means missionary position. MISSH means, “Man, I Shoulda Stayed Home!”
- BBJ instead of BBBJ – Everybody knows BBBJ means bareback blowjob. BBJ means Bad Blow Job. Save the whales, dudes – take a pass.
- YMNV instead of YMMV – YMMV is a popular Hobby acronym meaning, “your mileage may vary”. YMNV is a warning: “You Might Need Valtrex”. That’s herpes medication, bro!
“If the girls know that you tend to write long, detailed reviews, you can’t really get away with ‘shorthand tricks’. You’ve got to use the CODEBOOK.”
Toyz passed out copies of a stapled document that was about twenty pages long – page after two-sided page of two-column tables.
“Just pick the warnings that you want to send out of this book, and then write your review around them. Every trained monger is always looking for Secret Warning Codes when he reads a review. He’ll sniff a code, get out his CODEBOOK, and look up the translation -- message delivered, bad pussy avoided, and the hoogar still thinks you wrote her a strong “YES” review. Works like a charm! Your bro will use the $200 he saves to buy you a beer next time he sees you at Palazio.”
“Don’t ever let this book out of your hands, bro’s -- I don’t want my foreskin bitten off!”
I held the copy of the CODEBOOK in my hands and opened it. I was mesmerized at the secrets within -- like seeing whatever that gold thing inside the briefcase was in ‘PULP FICTION’…
Review says: The dirty pics in her private folder on Instagram look great!
Really means: That "fix my ugly-ass face" filter works wonders, doesn’t it?
Review says: She told me that she had a new hair-style. It looked great on her!
Really means: …it like, totally hides the horns on her head, dude!
Review says: She fell from Heaven…
Really means: …and landed on her face!
Review says: I looked at her Showcase pictures and could see that she was a beauty.
Really means: Operative word:
WAS a beauty! Those pics are 10 years old, dude -- she’s a hag now!!
Review says: I could see from her Showcase that she’s
very photogenic.
Really means: She photographs well, but she’s ugly as sin in person!
Review says: She has the confidence to wear
really sexy clothes.
Really means: She may have the confidence, but not the body! Bring your Stevie Wonder dark sunglasses!
Review says: She’s the whole package! Funny, talented, smart…
Really means: …I mean, if she’d only lose 50 pounds, she’d be absolutely perfect!
Review says: She has such a pretty face!
Really means: …But you’ll want to throw Holy Water on the rest of her hideous body -- demon-woman!
Review says: She looked great, even though she wasn’t “dolled up”
Really means: Just rolled out of bed and met me at the door – her hair was a mess and she hadn’t brushed her teeth.
Review says: Decent TCB
Really means: This girl is harder to make than a left turn in front of the mall!
Review says: This was a Review Special
Really means: I’d never fuck this girl if I had to pay full price for it!
Review says: She’s a riot once she’s had a little to drink!
Really means: Bring liquor. You’re gonna need it.
Review says: She sent me an unsolicited text.
Really means: She’s a Bat-Shit Crazy stalker, dude! You’re gonna need a restraining order!!
Review says: Modified Stripper Slide
Really means: I couldn’t believe the 5 o’clock shadow on this pussy! She sandpapered my foreskin off!!
Review says: Full bush
Really means: Shit! This girl is a wooly mammoth! Bring your weed-wacker!!
Review says: K9 (instead of “Doggie”)
Really means: She’s a hound, dude! Bring a muzzle and a paper bag!!
Review says: FFIV (instead of “FIV”)
Really means: “Five Fingers In Vagina” – Holy Batcave, Batman!! Bring your spelunking gear!
Review says: 68 (instead of “69”)
Really means: Don’t lick that! Let her blow you and you’ll just owe her one.
Review says: Definitely a BBW
Really means: Don’t attempt any cowgirl-type positions unless you have a roll-around hydraulic engine lift on hand, in case of an emergency.
Review says: “I haven’t made up my mind if I’ll repeat, but I do recommend.”
Really means: RUN!!
…the book went on and on. We reviewed all the
Secret Warning Codes, and then spent the afternoon re-reading reviews of various providers and locating the hidden warnings the reviewers had buried in them.
HOLY SHIT! Like
half the reviews are coded, man!
When we finally wrapped up for the day, I looked at my watch, and realized that I had to bolt for my motel room. My date with Dirty Diana was scheduled to start in a few minutes, and she was coming here.
I showered, shaved and cologned to get ready. Dirty Diana was due here any second. I had barely enough time to grab my lap-top and pull up her ECCIE reviews. When I read them the
first time, both were “YES” reviews – so I booked her.
I give the reviews a quick once-over with my newly-trained eyes, searching for any embedded “
Secret Warning Codes”…
I didn’t have to look far. In the ROS of the
first review, the monger had written, “
I stripped off her clothes and slid down for a little DATY. Her pussy was pretty fresh, and I tongued her to 5 orgasms over the next 5 minutes.”
I grabbed my secret codebook, and looked up “
Her pussy was pretty fresh…”
Review says: Her pussy was pretty fresh…
Really means: …I’ve had 5-day old sushi that smelled better than this. Break out the Febreeze!
…And then I heard Dirty Diana’s knock on my door. And I don’t have any Febreeze!
Jesus…maybe I need to find another hobby…
Secret diary of a newbie -- Week 5
My Bio Page - Texas - Austin
Love to read your silly stuff 
My Bio Page - Texas - Austin
time well spent...
