Secret diary of a newbie -- Week 2

[The Allnighter]

Newbie Boot Camp is a bitch. Whispers wrapped up this week’s lessons on hobby history and acronyms and told us to study for the big test tomorrow. No excuses for missing the test -- barring a medical emergency or death.

One of the smart-ass Newbs shouted out, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

"Just write with your other hand, newbie." Whispers doesn’t take any shit.

Pulled an all-nighter to study for the acronyms test. TCB, LFK, MPCFS, ACG, BBBJTC, NQNS, FIV, SS – man, I felt like I was prepping for a spelling bee. But it was all good -- I got a 94 on the test. Highest score in the class!

Just when I thought we were all going out for a beer, Still Looking and RockerRick march into the back of the room.

“Well, Whispers, DO THESE NEWBS KNOW THEIR SHIT?”

“Yeah, SL, they did pretty well on the test. Best scores ever.”

“Well, screw the test. We’ll see who knows what.” Still Looking steps to the front of the room. “OK, NEWBS. Who is Edna Milton?”

After about 15 seconds of dead silence, RockerRick loses his temper.

“You guys don’t know jack shit! Everybody knows who Edna Milton is! Man, it was Scarlett De Rossi’s original handle!”

SL coughs quietly into his hand. “Not quite, Rick. I’ll give you guys another clue: 1973.”

One of the Newbs raised his hand. “I know! She was the first hooker that Whispers reviewed!” That gave us all a good laugh.

SL just clenched his jaw. Since this was clearly heading to a bad place, I raised my hand.

“She was the last Madam at the ‘Best Little Whorehouse in Texas’ – the Chicken Ranch in La Grange. The governor of Texas shut it down in 1973. Edna is famous for naming her favorite sex position the ‘Cowgirl’.”

Still Looking cracked a smile. “Well, well, well. It looks like somebody has been reading David Douchehurst’s posts after all. Rick, you have been pwned!”

Rick just glared at me. “We’ll see who’s been pwned. It’s throwdown time, newb! I’m challenging you to Hobby Jeopardy!”

“Whispers, you emcee. SL will work the board and be the judge.”

Hobby Jeopardy? WTF??

“OK, Newb -- here are the stakes: In the unlikely event you win, I’ll buy you a one-hour session with my ATF. If you lose, you’re buying an hour with the ugliest transvestite hooker I can find on Rundberg.”

RockerRick and I took our places at the front of the room, and Whispers got behind the podium.

“OK, boys and girls! Welcome to Hobby Jeopardy, the exciting game that tests your knowledge about whoremongering!”

“Today’s categories are:

• Famous Austin whores
• I wouldn’t put that in your mouth – you don’t know where it’s been
• Hooker geography
• Sexual analogies
• The world according to Jenns Lolli
• Rumors about your sister

Remember, all your answers must be in the form of a question. You’ll hear BING! If you are correct, and BUZZ! if your answer is incorrect. Now, let’s begin. Rick, as our reigning champion, you get to go first…”

“OK, Whispers – I’ll take ‘Anal Orgies’ for $100.”

Rick, it’s not ‘Anal Orgies’. The category is ‘Analogies’.

Whatever...

The answer is…

The Landing Strip, Brazilian and
Manscape are all examples

What are different ways to cut the hair on a pussy? BING! I’ll take ‘Analogies’ for $200.

The answer is…

A slip of your tongue
and you’re in the shit


How is DATY like the Witness Protection Program? BING! I’ll take ‘Sexual Analogies’ for $300.

Long and hard,
unless you’re Asian

How is college like a boner? BING!

Rick, with $600, you have the lead. What is your next pick?

Whispers, I’ll take ‘Rumors about your sister’ for $100.

Because she can run
faster than you

Why is my sister still a virgin? BING! I’ll take ‘Rumors about your sister’ for $200.

The answer is…

Because she’s flat, white
and easy to enter

Why do they say my sister is from Kansas? BING! Let’s try‘I wouldn’t put that in your mouth’ for $100.”

The answer is...

You dip your wick in
Scope mouthwash before
asking for a blowjob

“What is a Green Hornet?” BING! “OK! I’ll take ‘I wouldn’t put that in your mouth’ for $200.”

The answer is…

A BBBJ where you know
she’s gonna swallow

What is an Ethiopian Blowjob? BING! Let’s try ‘I wouldn’t put that in your mouth’ for $300, Whispy.

The answer is…

The use of a strap-on
on a man

“Put it on his head and pretend that he’s a Rhinoceros?” BUZZ!

“No, Rick. The answer is “What is pegging?”

The hell you say!

Nevertheless, the board now goes to the Challenger. Rick, you have won $1200, and the Challenger has $0. Son, it’s your turn.

OK, Whispers – I’m a big Jenns Lolli fan! I’ll take ‘The World according to Jenns Lolli’ for $100.

The answer is…

A drink made with Bailey’s
Irish Crème, a shot of lime juice
and a dash of bleach

What is “A Blowjob Revenge?” BING! I’ll take ‘The World according to Jenns Lolli’ for $200.

Safe sex, according
to a man

What is a padded headboard? BING! I’ll take ‘The World according to Jenns Lolli’ for $300.

Many ECCIE reviews are
only possible because men
have access to this drug

What is Liagra? BING! I’m on a roll here, so I’ll take ‘The World according to Jenns Lolli’ for $400.

The answer is…

The useless skin at
the end of a penis

What is…the man? BING!

OK! RockerRick has $1200 and the challenger now has $1000. Where do we go next?

Whispers, I’ll take ‘Famous Austin Whores’ for $200.

The answer is…

If this provider had played
“Goldfinger”, she would have
robbed Fort Dix instead of Fort Knox

Who is Claire She Blows? Because she’s stealin’ all the dicks! BING! I’ll take ‘Famous Austin Whores’ for $300.

The answer is…

She is known as
Madame de Merteuil

Who is the lover of the Vicomte de Valmont in Choderlos de Laclos’ 1782 novel Les Liaisons Dangereuses? BUZZ!

I’m sorry, but that answer is incorrect. Rick, do you want to answer?

Answer, hell -- I can’t even pronounce it!

The correct answer is ‘Miss Valentina’. You should have known that, Newbie.

I do -- but last October, she posted she’d give a free beej to anyone who knew who Madame de Merteuil was…and I thought I’d go for it.

Well, in that case, newbie – you just won $300!

OK, enough fantasizing about a free beej from Miss V. Let’s get back to the game. Since RockerRick could not answer, the board is still yours, newbie.

OK, Whispers. I’ll take ‘Famous Austin Whores’ for $400.

The answer is…

$400??? ARE YOU OUT
OF YOUR FUCKING MIND????

BUZZ!

Ahh, SL…The Newbies fall for that one every time….

Well, with that answer, the score is RockerRick, $1100 and the newbie, $1100. The game is a tie. We’re about out of time, and therefore, it’s time for Final Jeopardy.

Cue the silly ‘Final Jeopardy’ music...

Contestants, please write down how much of your winnings you are ready to wager on correctly answering our Final Jeopardy question.

From the category ‘Don’t put that in your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been’, the Final Jeopardy answer is…

When Michael Douglas announced he had
contracted throat cancer from performing
cunnilingus on his wife, Catherine Zeta-Jones,
thousands of hobbyists asked themselves this
question

Rick, as our reigning champion, you get to answer first.

“Can I get throat cancer from performing DATY?” BUZZ!

Ohh! Rick, I’m sorry! That’s not the correct answer. And it looks like you wagered $1000, leaving you with $100.

Newbie, what is your answer?

“Man, just how big is Catherine Zeta-Jones’ clit???” BING!

Spoken like a true hobbyist! It looks like we have a winner, and new champion! Thanks for playing Hobby Jeopardy!!

EPILOGUE

Yeah, I won…but don’t congratulate me too fast. Remember that bet? One hour with Rick’s ATF if I win, and one hour with the ugliest transvestite on Rundberg Ave if I lose?

Well it turns out that Rick’s ATF is the ugliest transvestite on Rundberg Ave.

Jesus…maybe I need to find a different hobby…

Call me, Miss V!

[Claire She Blows]

The world according to Jenn's Lolli - my favorite category. I fucking love it.

[Ebony Jasmine Love Austin]

another masterpiece.
Thanks TA!!
Can't wait for week 3 of newbie boot camp!


Jenns will tell it like it is wont she.

[Guest021716-4]

Waiting on the edge of my seat for the week 3 addition! This is the most amusing thing I've read in a while! Very well done!!!

[Miss Valentina]

I thought I heard the sound of a gentleman caller, like a turbulence in the ether!!!




Oh, its just you bitches...



Just kidding girls.

Bravo Allnighter. Brilliant!

[JennsLolli]

I'm excited to have enough support in retirement to fund my "devil in the details" lingerie guide. 1) Morning-after Secretary (it's just like sexy secretary, but you don't have to brush your hair or fix your smeared eyeliner). 2) Shirley Temple: the college years (tight curls and whiskey breath...the looking sweet while swearing is pure skill). 3) One night stand (put an alarm clock on your back and stuff any and all holes with rubbers).

[Kitty Bunny Fuck]

Funny stuff!!