ABQ-Episode 14- Paranoia

[Guest072414]

If you missed Episode one thru thirteen they are all scattered in the Sandbox. And have provided the links as well.
Episode 1- http://www.eccie.net/showthread.php?t=852037
Episode 2- http://www.eccie.net/showthread.php?t=860786
Episode 3- http://www.eccie.net/showthread.php?t=872510
Episode 4- http://www.eccie.net/showthread.php?t=879098
Episode 5 http://www.eccie.net/showthread.php?t=885633
Episode 6- http://www.eccie.net/showthread.php?t=905614
Episode 7- http://www.eccie.net/showthread.php?t=925055
Episode 8- http://www.eccie.net/showthread.php?t=940471
Episode 9- http://www.eccie.net/showthread.php?t=954859
Episode 10- http://eccie.net/showthread.php?t=967986
Episode 11- http://www.eccie.net/showthread.php?t=973317
Episode 12- http://eccie.net/showthread.php?t=985678
Episode 13- http://eccie.net/showthread.php?t=1023202
Otherwise none of this is going to make any fuckin sense. Drama...aint no drama like what ABQ has gone thru. Feel me? I suffer from dramaitis. Episodes must be read in order to understand what is going on.

Disclaimer…. This is for entertainment purposes only anything else that happens between the author and the reader is purely fictional in nature. This is a purely fictional dramatic tale End of Disclaimer.

This is the next to final episode


Twenty five minutes later

“You really are a piece of work. How utterly disgusting it is for you to take a dump right when I arrive.” Jamie Lynn says to me fuming.
“I misspoke a few minutes ago when I said it was a tequila sauna. In actuality it is referred to by many names but I personally like Tijuana Sauna. Damn flaming hot breakfast tacos. You see the ole ABQ likes to mix things up and in my tacos I put a bunch of flaming hot Cheetos in them. I guess not a good idea so early in the morning.”
“You are one disgusting pig. You know that.”
“Hey if you need to throw up you can use the bathroom in the back. But gotta warn you it really does smell like shit.” I say this as I am laughing my ass off.
“Can you be any more revolting?”
“Probably. Just for you.”

“Ok. I get it. We do not see eye to eye on a lot of things. But you told my father that you would be kind to me. Otherwise he has said he would do some not so nice things to you. Why would you beat up my wonderful and kind daddy anyway? You put him in the hospital for almost a week.”

“Hey me beating the crap out of your father was on you. You wanted like a royal wedding with 10 g’s. Aint gonna happen unless you time warp your short white self back to the roaring twenties.”

“You beat up my father and they beat you up. My wonderful daddy who is like the bestest US Marshall in like forever found you. Because of that I can have the big and glorious wedding I have always dreamed about.” A huge smile comes over her. In the pit of my stomach and then guts there is a different kind of uneasiness.
“You ever been in a horror movie?” I ask her.
“Of course not. Why would you even ask that of me? I am too proper of a lady to do that.
“Cause you scare the livin crap out of me. Maybe every time I see you I need to take a dump. That is how much I like you.” I now smile back.
“Ok. Enough about these wonderful pleasantries and catching up. How about we actually begin to plan my wonderful and glorious wedding?”
“Yeah fine what your father wants your father will receive. I will have to say this I give your marriage six months. After that I am starting a brand new business it is called a Divorce Planner.”

“Boy you wish you were funny don’t you? I will be married for a long time. You will eat nothing but crow after crow.”

“Just so you know I am indifferent to you Mr. ABQ or whatever your name is. “I don’t hate you ‘cause your fat. You’re fat ‘cause I hate you!” “You shop at Sears don’t you? I only shop at the most glamorous boutiques where they only carry sizes one, three and five. I see bigger girls there and tell them they are in the wrong place and to try Sears.”

“Excuse me biatch. You calling me fat? I have lost twenty pounds.” Somewhat irritated at her now.
“Go look in a mirror. I have to be very careful about my bridesmaid’s weight. So ideally as my wedding planner you need to drop another thirty pounds or so. Then and only then maybe you can enter the shop Express and buy some clothes that are like decent. I will be honest there is a big part of me that wants my wedding to be on a Wednesday.”
“Ok please enlighten me. Why is that?” I know this will be good.

“Because on Wednesdays we wear Pink.” Jamie Lynn says gleefully.
“You have completely gone insane since I last saw you.”

“Oh contrary to what you think. I have two things I like to retort if I could. First Wednesday is not a good day for a wedding so it will be on a Saturday. And the second thing is I have super powers.”

I am laughing so hard that I start to cough. “Please elaborate. You are fucking me the fuuuuuuuuk up.”
“It’s like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it’s going to rain. Well… they can tell when it’s raining.” I put my hand to my face listening as I cannot believe this girl. “And sir that is a gift that most girls just do not have. But back to my wedding I want to invite all my family even my nephew. I have some issue with him because of his name. “I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee.”

“Okay…kinda random.” Was all I say. She cannot be doing what I think she is doing can she?
“Another thing is I want the most expensive pair of hoop earrings to wear at my wedding.”
“You are going to wear hoop earrings? Why?”

“If only you knew how mean my sister really is, you’d know that I’m not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right? Yeah, two years ago she told me hoops earrings were her thing, and I wasn’t allowed to wear them anymore. And then for Hanukkah my parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and I had to pretend like I didn’t even like them. It was so sad.”

“Ok I will play along with you. I know where this is going.”
““You smell like a baby prostitute.” I say
“Oh my God you look just like Danny DeVito! I love your work!” Jamie Lynn retorts
“I’m sorry I almost called you a gap-toothed bitch. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed.”
“There are two kinds of evil people in this world. Those who do evil stuff and those who see evil stuff being done and don’t try to stop it.” Jamie Lynn fires back.
“And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the bridezillas.” I say.

“Wait you cannot change the dialogue. That is like breaking the rules.”
“I cannot believe you are here quoting “Mean Girls” to me for the past ten minutes.”
“I cannot believe you actually quoted some with me? How like gay is that? It was awesome. Remember Quoting Mean Girls isn’t just a sport. It’s a national pastime. Mean Girls is how we make sense of the world, giving the chaos of the universe a recognizable place by which to understand it. Mean Girls is my Bible and what a beautiful pink one that it is.”

“I knew a girl way back in New Mexico that thought it was the best movie ever and quoted it daily. But you have completely gone over the edge.”
"Stop trying to make fetch happen!" With that Jamie Lynn laughs uncontrollably. “Did you know April 30th is the 10 year anniversary of “Mean Girls.” Me and some of my best friends in the whole world are going to have a pink slumber party.”
“That movie is nothing more than a wannabe remake of “Heathers.”

“How dare you!” With that Jamie Lynn stands up and points her finger at me. I lean back in my chair proud of my last sentence.

“Initially, Lindsay Lohan was cast as Regina, but decided to play the “nice girl” so the public wouldn’t base her real personality on Regina’s. Did you know that? Or that Tim Meadows broke his hand before shooting and had to wear a cast, so the explanation that his character Mr. Duvall had carpal tunnel was added. In the scene where Cady was asked if her “muffin was buttered”, the line was originally going to be, “Is your cherry popped?” The same goes for the girl who “made out with a hot dog” this was going to be “masturbated with a hot dog”. These were omitted in order for the film to gain a PG 13+ rating instead of a R.”

“I gotta say ABQ likes muffin was buttered. Going to start using that to chicks that hit on me.”
“Why do you always refer to yourself in the third person?”
“Why do you think you are a character from Mean girls?”
“Only in my dreams.” Jamie Lynn fires back.

“Oh yeah here is one final tidbit piece for you. Mean Girls is based on the book “Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence” by Rosalind Wiseman, even though it is a non-fiction parental self-help guide with no narrative at all. Go figure! But still I gotta say Tina Fey is still hot.” I tell her as gotz to have the last word in.

Twenty Minutes Later

“I am not having Birdman sing at my wedding or 2 Chainz. My daddy said money is no object for you so I want Taylor Swift.”
“That is not a good idea because once Taylor Swift sees me she will fall madly in love with me. I dump her a month later and she writes a mean and horrible song directed at ABQ. She loves my tweets.”
“I want Taylor Swift and that is that. You will make it happen or I tell my daddy you will not give me what I want.”
“How about Kanye?” I retort. There is silence from her for a good ten seconds before a huge smile comes over her. Oh boy this cannot be good.
“Does that mean Kim Kardashian will come to my wedding? Oh please say it is true. Please….please…please.”
“Most likely I can pull that off.”
“Oh my God! Oh my God! Do you realize Kim Kardashian at my wedding. Jamie calm down and take a deep breathe. But oh my God it is Kim Kardashian at my wedding. She is like my idol. The most famous person in the whole wide world and then some.”

“Lets not get ahead of ourselves here. Kimberly Noel "Kim" Kardashian is an American television and social media personality, fashion designer, model, and actress. To call her an actress would be giving her too much credit in ABQ’s opinion. Her fashion is tasteless and she is a reality star who only relies on her looks to get by. It is quite sad if you ask me.”

“Well no one is asking you. I want Kim Kardashian at my wedding.” Jamie Lynn is now in full pouting mode.

“I’ve always said that the hottest girls in the world aren’t famous. Most guys who have been around, I’d venture to guess, would agree with me. Yet, that doesn’t stop both men’s and women’s magazines and websites from coming out with annual lists of the “Hottest Women of the Year!” Invariably, these are little more than catalogs of the most hyped celebrities of the moment, and are compiled by people with no business assembling such lists: middle-aged women, gay men, and clueless chicks who think their shit don’t stank. Everyone’s shit stanks.

Go to pretty much any major college campus in the US—especially those reputed to be party schools—and watch every single one of the girls on this list get blown out of the water repeatedly and unmercifully. And, that’s by girls just leaving the gym, in their hot yoga pants, their hair in a ponytail, and not a single drop of deceptive makeup. Me and a buddy of mine sometimes check out the UTSA campus and there are some smoking hot girls there.
And, before you say it: of course I would bang Kim Kardashian even though I cannot stand the biatch. But, given the choice, I’m going with the no-name college hottie over the aging celeb under an inch of makeup, or behind like seven Photoshop filters, any day of the week. So we have a chick who looked merely okay a few years back and, even then, only with the massive layers of Hollywood magic. She’s lingered long after her somewhat attractive phase. So ABQ is going to break it down for you all brutally honest n shiz. She wears an ass load of makeup and has some huge cellulite saggy ass. But above all else she is the biggest attention whore out there. She married a guy for tv ratings for her pathetic reality show. On top of that she sends a message to women everywhere: suck dick, have a big ass, and you can make millions.

So why do millions of people make such a big deal about her? There are more beautiful celebrities with an actual personality than her. Her caboose is huge and her tummy and waist are not that toned. Her face is a mile long, and she has a nasty personality and no talent. Everything is only about her. She thinks she is some goddess. Let me tell you something I saw a woman in her mid thirties at HEB two nights ago that was a 10 and Kim Kardashian has nothing on her. But the ABQ has mojo so I got her number. Yes, there are some days that life is good.”

“Are you finished?”
“Yes. I believe that ABQ is.”

“I do not care I still want Kim Kardashian at my wedding and you will make it happen. You say all this crap about her but you are no different than all the guys out there. If she saw her in person you would want to fuck her.”
“Lookie at Miss Jamie Lynn do a bit of swearing.” Day just continues to get brighter and brighter.
“Now lets talk about my flowers. I want them all to be pink.”
“But your wedding will be on a Saturday and not a Wednesday.” I retort with my best sarcasm.

Later that evening

The worst part about looking out the window the past week or so is not seeing my beautiful black lowrider. A lowrider (sometimes low rider) is an automobile or other vehicle modified so that its ground clearance is less than its design specification. This can be accomplished by installation of tires with an outer diameter smaller than normally specified for the vehicle, or by more extensive modifications. Such modifications are done to appeal to certain cultural aesthetics, or to alter the vehicle's performance by changing the vehicle's aerodynamic properties, to reduce its center of gravity, or to change the effective gear ratios of the drivetrain.

A lowrider is a customized car originated by Mexican-Americans in Southern California. It was a part of the zoot-suit fashion that bloomed heavily through Los Angeles during the 1930s. Many lowriders have hydraulic suspension systems (modified suspension) so that their ride can change height at the flip of a switch. Lowriders are commonly classic cars from the 1950s (when lowriding began). However, large numbers of 1940s to 2000s model cars are also modified; to an uncommon degree newer vehicles are also modified. The word is also used to refer to those who drive or own such cars. A lowrider will traditionally have many factory-offered accessories or options and often many after-market accessories added.
T
he concept of low-riding first emerged during the post-war prosperity of the '50s. Initially, some youths would place sandbags in the trunk of their customized cars in order to create a lowered effect. This method was replaced by lowering blocks, cut spring coils, z’ed frames and drop spindles. The aim of the lowriders is to cruise as slowly as possible, "Low and Slow" ("Bajito y Suavecito") being their motto. By redesigning these cars in ways that go against their intended purposes and in painting their cars so that they reflect and hold meanings from Mexican culture, lowriders create cultural and political statements that go against the more prevalent Anglo culture. The design of the cars encouraged a "bi-focal perspective-they are made to be watched but only after adjustments have been made to provide ironic and playful commentary on prevailing standard of automobile design." However, this resulted in a backlash: the enactment of Section 24008 of the California Vehicle Code in January 1, 1958, which made it illegal to operate any car modified so that any part was lower than the bottoms of its wheel rims.

In 1959, a customizer named Ron Aguirre developed a way of bypassing the law with the use of hydraulic Pesco pumps and valves (scavenged from a surplus B-52 bomber) that allowed him to change ride height at the flick of a switch. 1958 saw the emergence of the Chevy Impala which featured an X-shaped frame that was perfectly suited for lowering and modification with hydraulics. Between 1960 and 1975, customizers adapted and refined GM X-frames, hydraulics, and airbrushing techniques to create the modern lowrider style.

Many Lowriders feature custom hydraulic suspensions that allow the driver to alter the ride height at will. At first, aircraft pumps, valves, and hoses were used. Later it was found that the lift gate trucks had more compact units and these units were soon replacing the aircraft units. These systems range from simple to complex and are usually measured by the number of hydraulic pumps (generally 2 to 4) used to control the various hydraulic combinations that ultimately produce a specific motion from the vehicle. These pumps are powered by multiple batteries installed in a rack in the trunk of the vehicle. The speed at which the car lifts depends partly on the voltage generated by these batteries, which can range from 12 VDC all the way up to 120 VDC. The most common motions are dipping/raising the four corners of the vehicle, dipping/raising the front or rear of the vehicle (front, back), dipping/raising the sides of the vehicles (side to side, which started around 1978), and lowering/raising the vehicle as a whole (pancake). A skilled switch operator can manipulate their controls to raise one wheel completely off the ground (3-wheel motion), or to hop one end of the car completely off the ground.

Around the mid-1970s, it was found that adding more batteries could get the front wheels to actually hop off the ground. This created a whole new sport with respect to hydraulics in Lowriders. Cars at that time could lift the front wheels off the ground about the height of a 12 ounce can.

My lowrider, the love of my life that is missing is a Chevy 1964 Impala. Painted all black on the exterior. To the right of the Passenger door in white says www.ABQizthashiz.com. The license plate reads ABQ. I like it custom n shiz that way. On the trunk is a small bronze mural statute of Al Pacino in “Scarface.” I have a video monitor on the inside of the driver’s side door. The steering wheel is chain link and to this day ABQ still thinks that is cool.

Graphics inside the car are of red and black and simply say ABQpimpin!
Oh where are you my black widow. Yes, that is right ABQ named his lowrider.

“Get away from that window. What are you doing? You know the Cartel said they are coming to have a talk with you soon. How come you are not scared shitless?” Pete says to me.
“I told them I would give the recipe and sling for a few weeks. I did that. What are they going to do?”
“Are you fucking lost your mind. It is the damn Cartel. They will bury you some place.”
“I have them to worry about and I know Napoleon is coming to look for me soon. Then I have to do this damn wedding spending hella cheddar otherwise damn retired US Marshall will come hunting for me too. So if they want me let them come get me.”

“Dude. I go slingin every night for the cartel cause like I do not want to end up in the desert somewhere.” Pete says in a panicky voice.
“Good point!” I say trying not to let fear overcome me. To not worry about all the drama that is slowly building up toward me. The only thing I am worrying about now is where is my damn lowrider!
“Yo ABQ I found out something today that pissed me he fuuuuuuuk off.
“So whats that?” I ask
“Did you know Easter this year falls on the 20th?”
“SO?”
“Dude… 420? Can you believe that. It is like a higher power up above is fucking with me cause I smoke a little. Cause I like to wake n bake.”
“So what are you going to do? I Ask turning away from the window.
“I have like no idea. It is like some kind of real bad dream.”

Three Days Later

Trying to live one’s life like they only have a week left to live has not been as easy as I would have hoped. Whereas I would hope insignificant things in my life would not affect me that has not been the case. Or maybe it is possible that the things having occurred in past few months were not insignificant and thus had enough meaning for me to deal with. Two days ago two black Mercedes showed up parked outside my apartment. Last night I went to get some smokes and both of the Mercedes followed me to the store and back home. So there it is the shit is starting to come closer to me. My guess is of the Cartel but what do they want from me and why are they watching me.
Where it has scared the crap out of Pete to the point where he is slingin about twelve hours the past two nights for me I try and take it in stride and act like those two cars have always been there. To act like they do not exist in my daily life. To take my mind off things I have a hot blonde girl I met at a club downtown last weekend come over a bit to chill with me. She can dance as fuck. Either that or I was way too drunk.

I have another meeting tomorrow with good ole Jamie Lynn to talk about the specific dances she wants her bridesmaids to do at the reception as well as what the catering will be. This is going to cost ABQ a fortune. Just then I hear a knock at my door. I put down my glass of tequila and go answer it.
In walks a five foot seven, long legged blonde girl with great lips. She walks and sits on the sofa next to me.

“So whats up?” Damn I wish I remembered her name. Tequila for the good times and bad.
“Want a drink?”
“Sure.”
“I pour her a shot of Patron.” Then hand it to her. I hold mine and take a sip while glancing at the window.
I walk to the window and still see the two Mercedes. The windows are tinted so cannot tell if they are looking up at me. My eyes slowly wander to the right. An uneasy feeling begins in my guts and slowly moves upward. With my right hand I reach for my binoculars. And I took a closer and more magnified look at another vehicle outside. I drop my shot as the glass breaks on the hardwood floor and the tequila slowly inches toward my boot. I scream loudly like a little girl who is too young to be watching a horror movie. Now with both hands held tightly on the binoculars I take a very deep breathe. Praying and wishing this is not true. The lenses slowly move down to I see the licenses plate again.
The blonde comes closer to me and with a quizzical look on her face. “Too much tequila?”
I turn to her “What car is yours?”
“Why?” the blonde replies she is wearing a pink blouse, black pants and pink feathery boots. The uneasy feeling moves closer up to my heart. It begins to beat at an extremely faster rate. I turn my attention back outside.
“What is wrong?” She asks again.
“My lowrider is pink!” I screech saying this.
“What do you mean your lowrider?” That is mine. The blonde says.
“What the fuck did you just say? You see that license plate? It says ABQ. That is me. It has been missing since I got back from Vegas.
“Well it is mine now. Some wanna gagnster fucked the shit out of me for it. Fucked my ass too for almost an hour with his huge dick. So I say I have fucking earned that ride.”
What are the fucking odds of my lowrider showing up allegedly owned by some girl. “Why the hell do you need a lowrider for?”
“Why do you need to have a dick?” She retorts. “We have all needs. I just found out that owning a lowrider is now a necessity for me.
I feel a tear coming down my left eye. I run out of my apartment and to the street. It is about 4pm or so on this Thursday.
The more I look at what was once my beautiful baby the more heart broken I am. The exterior is painted lavender pink. I mean all of it! What the fuck! Then behind me is the blonde girl.
“Why the fuck lavender pink?”

“Calm your ass the fuck down. I like to refer to it as Barbie pink.”
Days like this I wished I had hair so I could start to pull some out. Then I stop dead still and look at the trunk. My statute of Scarface holding his machine gun is gone. And replaced by a small statue of Marilyn Monroe in a pink dress. I turn and barf on the sidewalk.
“What have you done to The Black Widow?” I turn to her and ask almost in a pleading yet whiny way.
“The Black Widow? Ese please! I now call it My Persian Pink meat wallet.” The blonde giggles which only pisses me off.
“I just shake my head and only one word comes to mind. “Why?”
“You know what also upset me? Let me tell you when guys say pink pussy. What the fuck other color was it going to be. My pussy is pink, every girl’s pussy is pink. But what stupid guys do not realize is the different kinds of pink. There is Amaranth pink, Baker-Miller Pink, Brink Pink, Carnation Pink which is beautiful by the way. Then there is Coral Pink, Deep Pink, French Rose Pink, Hot Pink, Lavender Pink, Mexican Pink, Persian Rose Pink which by the way is the color of the interior. Then there is Rose Pink, Salmon Pink, Shocking Pink, Thulian Pink and finally another color that I absolutely adore and that is Ultra Pink. Lavender pink otherwise known to me as Barbie pink is so pretty. I love this color because it is the color of my pussy. So I do not have a pink pussy. I have a beautiful and sexy Lavender pink pussy bitch!.”

“You speak ABQ?” I say softly as my eyes widen.
“I have heard of ABQ and I know exactly where. What’s my name?” She asks.
I stay silent

“That is what I thought. You do not remember my name. Well it sucks to be you does it not?” With that she opens the door and the interior is indeed painted a darker pink. The steering wheel now has a furry pink cover over it. Over the windshield are pink dice. Everything inside is pink and it freaks me out. Then I see the cigarette lighter has been transformed into a small pink pussy. I feel like I am in some fucked up twilight zone episode.

“I have had this beautiful pink orgasm of a ride for over a month now and it is now mine. So suck it up big boy. Speaking of sucking let me tell you a story. So the dude that fucked me for this ride asked me how many sucks does it take to get a guy to cum? I pondered this for the past few days as I have been looking online for some pink spokes to add to my awesome pussy wagon. You know like that old commercial how many licks does it take to get to the center of the toosie pop?”

“I am quite familiar with that commercial.” I say to her.
“No two guys are like obviously. Once I made a guy cum after three sucks. Easiest three Benjamins I ever made. Yet on the extreme other side I was sucking a guy who was drunk and must have took like three viagras. But that motherfucker stayed hard for almost a damn hour as my jaw felt like it was working a triple shift. Sad part is that motherfucker still could not cum. After close to an hour I told him sorry but his time was up. Then I made him give me an extra two benjamins. Obviously, I have put some thought into this and on average it take me 57 sucks to get a guy to cum. To me sucking cock is a sport. I am so good at it that I do not need a blanket at night. I sleep with Benjamins on top of my naked body.

You know I have a theme song when I am sucking cock? It fits perfectly in the situation. The artist is BJ Thomas. Hell any artist with the first name of BJ goes straight to the top with me. Am I right? Two things I love in life is the color pink and Benjamins.”

This unknown blonde grabs a cd pops it in and starts to sing to me.

"I can't stop this feelin' deep inside of me
Girl, you just don't realize what you do to me
When ya hold me in your arms so tight
You let me know everything's all right
I-I-I, I'm hooked on a feelin'
High on believin' that you're in love with me

Lips are sweet as candy, the taste stays on my mind
Girl, you keep me thirsty for another cup of wine
I got it bad for you girl, but I don't need a cure
I'll just stay addicted and hope I can endure
All the good love when we're all alone
Keep it up, girl, yeah ya turn me on

I-I-I, I'm hooked on a feelin'
High on believin' that you're in love with me
All the good love when we're all alone
Keep it up, girl, yeah ya turn me on
I-I-I, I'm hooked on a feelin'
I'm high on believin' that you're in love with me”

The blonde turns to me. “Usually if I bring my A game the guy is done when the song is over. Wanna know why? Because it comes down to the lyrics “Keep it up, girl yeah ya turn me on.” That is what the guy is experiencing so I suck faster and deeper. I often ask myself where would I be without BJ Thomas and for the life of me I have no answer.”

The car door opens on one of the Mercedes and a Mexican guy about five foot, eight with sunglasses on. His right arm and shoulder is filled with tattoos that I cannot make out.”
“Hey Mateo my baby.” Unknown blonde says loudly. He does not move from his position.
“So Mr. ABQ looks like someone has done you wrong. But I earned my ride fair and square. You got a problem you talk to Mateo.” I look back at him as his hand is on his side piece.
“Here maybe this will cheer you up she tells me and plays another song. And then yet again starts to sing slowly and this time softly.
“It's lonely out tonight
And the feelin' just got right for a brand new love song
Somebody done somebody wrong song

"Hey, wontcha play another somebody done somebody wrong song
And make me feel at home while I miss my baby, while I miss my baby
So please play for me a sad melody
So sad that it makes everybody cry-y-y-y
A real hurtin' song about a love that's gone wrong
'cause I don't want to cry all alone
Hey, wontcha play another somebody done somebody wrong song
And make me feel at home while I miss my baby, while I miss my baby
So please play for me a sad melody
So sad that it makes everybody cry-y-y-y
A real hurtin' song about a love that's gone wrong
'cause I don't want to cry all alone
Hey, wontcha play another somebody done somebody wrong song
And make me feel at home while I miss my baby, while I miss my baby”

“Just think of that from now on when you think of your old lowrider. Cause this pink biatch is coming back home to mama.” I turn around as Mateo takes a few steps toward me.
“Back your ass up.” I tell him.
Just then Blonde girl turns on the radio and just my luck it is 2 chainz playing. And once again she starts to sing. And at the same time turns the hydraulics on my lowrider on just to rub it in.

"I Walked In then I turnt Up
Pockets Full Of Hunnuds
Shawty Gotta Tan
Like She Come From Da Bahamas
I Do this All Night, Man I should wear pajamas
Eatin' these rappers like a school of pirañas

Walked In Then I Turn Up
In Then I Turn Up
Walked In then I turn Up
In then I turn Up
Walked In then I turn Up
In Then I Turn Up
Walked In then I turn Up
In-In Then I turn Up

I Walked Innnn, Then I Turn Up
Got The Benz Ridin Front Us
All My Friends On Da Come Up
I'm Like Damnn, These biatches Ain't A 100
Man I keep That Shit A 100
All This Bling Cost Me a 100”

“You know ABQ like benjamins n shit. Tomorrow the license plate will no longer say ABQ. It will say of course in bold and glorious ultra pink “putz iz gold.” And just like that she turns off the hydraulics. “I love to stay and chit chat but gotz make some stock, cabbage, bullion, dinero, get some more pledge. Later biatch!” With that she rides off slowly mocking me.

My initial instinct to take my dumb car rental and follow the bitch. But before I start to run to my car Mateo has a gun pointed at my head.
“Lo mejor es hacer una copia de tu culo. Y volver a entrar en su apartamento y relajarse.” Mateo barks like I have not had a gun pointed to me before.
“Or what?”
“Rodrigo, do you want to meet your maker today?”
Begrudgingly I go back to my apartment. I wish these motherfuckers would leave.

Later that Night

“I gotta tell you something ABQ.” Pete tells me.

“Hold on let me tell you something first. This is the kind of shit I had to deal with today. Two blondes who are as different as different can be. There is this urban myth and on this day I wish it were true. The gene that makes blonde hair will be extinct by 2200, and the last blonde would be born in Finland. They said Finland because most people believe it's the country with the most blondes. But on this day I had to deal with two natural blondes. Here in San Antonio ese!. WTF!

So first the bitch from hell told her daddy that I did not want Kim Kardashian. So he calls me and says if Kim Kardashian is not at the wedding then it is time to go back and play Hunger Games with him and his boys. That was not the worst of it. So goody two shoes Jamie Lynn tells me today that Tina Fey also has to be at her wedding. I tell you this wanna be bride is pure evil. You want to hear her reasoning for having Tina Fey at her wedding?” Pete only nods.

“According to her the movie “Mean Girls is gospel. So she wants to wear Pink and all her bridesmaids but since the wedding is on a Saturday and not a Wednesday she needs Tina Fey there and to give her approval. On top of that Tina Fey has to give her something pink as a symbol that she approves this once of wearing pink on a Saturday.

Then she wants some sadistic Mean Girls wannabe like wedding. At the reception she wants a bridemaids talent show. At first I thought it was kinda funny in an insane way then I realized she truly was insane.
Then I find out earlier today what happened to mi lowrider.
“Shut the fuck up. You found it?” Pete says loudly almost coughing on his jack and coke.
“Get this one of the cartel boys sitting outside stole it and gave it this blonde over a month ago. When we were slingin in Vegas The Black Widow was being kidnapped and tortured. So this hot blonde I met at the club downtown last week comes to my place today and the lowrider is now all pink. And she says it is hers. I bet the dude Mateo gave her a few bills to come show me what happened to mi baby. Maybe cause I was making too much noise looking for it.
“Did you take it from her?”
“Cartel would of put a cap I my ass if I tried anything. That was one bad ass bitch. And get this she spoke ABQ language.”
“Whoooooooooah” Pete says shaking his head.
‘I mean like how the hell am I gonna get Tina Fey?”


Next evening-

Pete continues to look out the window as he has decided to take the day off from slingin. The two Mercedes are still parked outside.
“So they have been parked out there for what four days now?”
“Something like that.” I respond back.
“Cartel made me an offer the other day. “ Pete says.
“What you say homie?” That if I come work for them making your recipe in Juarez I can have all the hotties I want and be paid hella good.”
“You shitting me. Are you fucking kidding? Have you completely lost your mind. Why the fuck for?” Just then I hear a noise coming from my bathroom and only a few seconds later the prick himself shows up.
“How the heck did you get in?”
“I am like a Ninja.” Napoleon walks close to him. “We need to talk.”
Sit my ass on the sofa as Napoleon decides to stay standing up. He turns to Pete. “Come over here and sit down also.”

“Do you realize how easy it is to get rid of both of you. It is almost like sport knowing I can do it whenever I want. Both of you are knuckleheads. You know Rodster I knew you were bullshit with that stupid chemistry formula you told me. But still I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I had it tested and it was just like you bullshit.” Napoleon comes closer and points a glock at my forehead.

“Like I said I can do this at anytime. But I will be honest today is not the day. Want to know why? Because you will be indisposed for quite a while. Two days ago that government agency tried to kidnap me again. So for saving my life and this time they brought machine guns I gave up the name of the cook. Yes that is right Rodster they are coming after the source.”
“Bullshit!” Was all I say.

“Well you will see soon enough. They want your secret recipe and unlike me they will get it out of you. I could kill you but whatever you got in that recipe has the government very intrigued. Plus why kill you when you also have the Cartel outside watching you. Trust me the war with the Cartel and Frito Lay has not even started yet.”
“Look I got many issues I am dealing with now. I have an evil bridezilla that wants to turn her wedding into some ten year old movie. Her father wants to go back hunting the ole ABQ unless I meet her ridiculous demands. My low rider was stolen by the cartel and givin to some unknown blonde who pimped it out all pink.”

“Damn that sucks. Whats her name?” Napoleon asks me.

“I wish I knew Glock man. Me and Pete were trying to figure that out last night. All I remember was dancing with her at some club downtown. She said her name was after a river or a big creek. I had so much tequila that I do not even remember.”
“Rio Grande or just Rio?” Pete asks
“Nope.”
“Guadalape or Pecos?” Napoleon asks. I just shake my head dumbfounded.
“Sabine?” Pete asks. I pause for a moment and think about it. Beautiful name but then just shake my head.
“San Marcos? Nueces? Llano?” Napoleon gets in on the game and I just shake my head.

"Look I cannot remember her name and she has mi lowrider and I want it back. What she did to it was a travesty. So going back to my issues. Then I have to deal with you and Frito Lay after my ass.”

“You stole a distribution truck from El Paso. Since then three more trucks have been stolen as well as 14 barrels of Cheetos puffs. You are lucky I have givin you a temporary reprieve and concerned now with bigger fish to fry.”
“Got two cartel cars outside watching my every move and now on top of that you tell me that the government is coming for ABQ.”
“Sucks to be you.”
“And Pete here wants to go work for the Cartel.”
Napoleon looks at him and at first smiles. “This is good news.”

Just then there is a loud bang at the door. A few seconds later it gets louder. “Rodrigo we know you are in there. It is in your best interest to open the door.”
I see Napoleon running off to the bathroom and most likely out the window. Slowly I get my ass up as the banging gets louder. “Open up now or we will break down the door.”
“Hold on motherfuckers.”

I walk to the door and answer it. There is scum bucket Mateo and another member that does not speak. I motion for them to come in. They close the door.
“Rodrigo it is time.” Mateo tells me.
“I want my damn lowrider back.” I bark at him.
Just then I hear two pops and Mateo and his buddy are on the ground. Blood oozes from their head onto my hardwood floors.
“Fuck!!!!! Fuck!!!! Fuck!!!!!” Was all Pete says. He is hysterical. He turns his back and there is Napoleon with a silencer.
“You are welcome.” With that he runs to the bathroom once more.
“We are dead man. You hear me ABQ. Fuck."

Before I can decide what to do or even react to what looks like two bodies on the floor. Two more cartel members open up the door. They survey the ground and both stick up M16s at me. Yet all I can think about is it is really hard to live your life like I only have a week left to live when in reality that may have been too optimistic.

(Final Episode) Episode 15- Tsunami

[Guest072414]

Someone gave this a one star rating one minute after it was posted. At least you could do was read it before acting like a complete dumbass.

[Big One]

Excellent read! Looking forward to Episode 15.

[Guest072414]

Coming soon final episode. It is rated O for Obscene. For my haterz who do not read these yes it will indeed be final episode. For those that have read these and realize how incredible they are thanks for the journey it is much appreciated. One amazing episode left. We will see where it leads ABQ. #senseofdread.

[Parisplz]

Lol ! Funniest things I've ever read!