A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

[CuteOldGuy]

This one's for you, Essence. Found it on Facebook. Apparently Drudge hasn't gotten the report yet.

From Her Majesty:

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[WTF]

That letter was sent in 1984, after four years of Reagan's BS.

[CuteOldGuy]

It applied then, it applies now. I just saw it. It's still funny.

[Yssup Rider]

Im surprised you aren't pushing that as an agenda, Unaliar!

[CuteOldGuy]

Nope. I'm still in favor of independence from Britain, and freedom here at home. Sorry to disappoint you, Assup. But you are still funny.

About those lies . . .

[essence]

16. You will take courtesy lessons in driving. You will be taught to use indicator lights, and to see the lights of other drivers. You will be taught the dialogue 'after you, sir', 'no, my good fellow, after you sir'.

17. You will have perpetual rain from Octover to April, the sun is far too propitious for raising libido and causing an excessive growth in population.

18. You will stop making nouns into verbs. "Incentivise" is not a word. Neither is "incentivize".

19. Fillet steaks bigger than 6 oz are known to overcome erectile dysfunction problems and what you refer to as the 'small dick' syndrome. In order to level the playing field with the fair sex, you will be barred from steaks more than once a month and bigger than 6 oz..

20. Dicks are a short form of 'Richard' (e.g. Dickie Attenborough'. It is possible to have more than one word available to descibe something. You have a wide choice of words to use instead:- cock, knob, etc etc etc.

21. Dickhead is not a word used to refer to people who have a head which takes the resemblance of a dick. It is a word reserved exclusively to refer to male US citizens.

22. Your history books are wrong. Churchill had no family history of being connected to Amercians. Any American lady with whom his family had carnal relationships was merely passing by America on her way back to her homeland. Her sojurn was taking a little longer than expected.

23. There isn;t enough space for you all to come back home, but we have reserved the Isle of Wight for the first 10 million returning refugees.

24. Baseball players will be re trained in rounders, and will be asked to join the rounders league together with normal English teenage girls. They will not be allowed to wear pyjamas during the game, nor chew gum, and lest they are accused of being pregnant, will be expected to undertake a rigorous exercise program.

25. You will write off any debt you owe us, and compensate us for your role in the war by (a) ensuring trains run on time (b) re-investing in British manufacturing industry (c) re-establishing the German blood-line of monarchy (d) sending all garlic eating frogs back across the channel together with their cuisine and tarts.

26. All television shall consist of repeats of at least 20 year old comedy programs (Ken Dodd, Steptoe, Dad's Army) which consist of people finding misery, poverty, and inadequacy funny. Any bright, uplifting, positive images will be immediately axed from your so-called comedy programs. They are as funny as nails on a blackboard.

27. Er, that's it for the moment, got to go for a morning run in the rain.

[Guest040616]

Originally Posted by CuteOldGuy

This one's for you, Essence. Found it on Facebook. Apparently Drudge hasn't gotten the report yet.

Originally Posted by WTF

That letter was sent in 1984, after four years of Reagan's BS.

Just like a StupidOldLyingFart. 28 years behind the news cycle and then makes a feeble distortion attempt in order to apply it to today. At the very least it was extremely deceptive on SOLF's part. At most, it is another in an increasingly long line of lies from our resident Liar in Chief!

Once a StupidOldLyingFart, always a StupidOldLyingFart!

[pyramider]

#13 shows that its a fake. The Brits already know the JFK story. However, the who killed JR thing baffles them.

[Yssup Rider]

Well, at least Unaliar is keeping up with current events. Now how about that transient in The Salina bus station?

[Randy4Candy]

Originally Posted by bigtex

Just like a StupidOldLyingFart. 28 years behind the news cycle and then makes a feeble distortion attempt in order to apply it to today. At the very least it was extremely deceptive on SOLF's part. At most, it is another in an increasingly long line of lies from our resident Liar in Chief!

Once a StupidOldLyingFart, always a StupidOldLyingFart!

Since he's claiming to be 37, I suppose he's limited himself to things current when he actually was 37.

[Guest040616]

Originally Posted by Randy4Candy

Since he's claiming to be 37, I suppose he's limited himself to things current when he actually was 37.

StupidOldLyingFart is a joke. An extremely bad joke but a joke nonetheless!

[Randy4Candy]

Back on topic, regardless of how pleasurable it is to slap SOsFb around.....

28. Abolition of othotdontics, other than as a means to implant 4 -6 additional teeth into mouths containing the correct amount, thus accurately replicating the famous English "horse face" and remarkably poor teeth.

[Guest040616]

Originally Posted by Randy4Candy

Back on topic, regardless of how pleasurable it is to slap SOsFb around.....

28. Abolition of othotdontics, other than as a means to implant 4 -6 additional teeth into mouths containing the correct amount, thus accurately replicating the famous English "horse face" and remarkably poor teeth.

Speaking of 4-6 additional teeth. Assuming his 1 false tooth counts, that is 3-5 more than StupidOldLyingFart currently has available

Ok, back on topic!

[CuteOldGuy]

LOL! You guys are too much! I have never claimed to be 37, however. I wish I was, but in fact, I am pushing 60. And feeling better every year! And except for two wisdom teeth, all my teeth are real. And original equipment.

Really, is this all you got?

[Yssup Rider]

Originally Posted by CuteOldGuy

in fact, I am pushing 60.

You mean you're pushing 60 transients' asses in the Salina bus station bathroom? I posted the link. You didn't deny it.

I guess you're a Gashouse Greek!