I don't really want to post this because it will make me look like an idiot. I would not disagree with that characterization. But, I think it is a situation that a lot of guys may face making a decision about sooner or later and I hope someone can benefit from my experience.
I'm not looking for any sympathy. I made my choices and accept the consequences of them, and that those consequences were largely predictable. I'll play a violin for myself now so no one else has to.
I'm also not looking to call anyone out or embarrass them, publicly or privately. Two of the three ladies I'll mention aren't even on the board anymore and I have nothing but good things to say about the one who is. I suppose it's possible the others might recognize themselves if they read this, but it's highly unlikely that they will.
This is about "advances" - giving ladies payment in advance for future time with them. Some guys are sitting shaking their heads because they already know where this is going. Again, I don't disagree that I'm an idiot.
I've given three ladies advances over the course of my hobby tenure so far. In each case it was because of a dire situation happening in their lives and in two of the cases the ladies couldn't work for a while for medical reasons. Not all, but a fair number of providers live pretty close to the edge, and I had compassion for them. They were also ladies I considered regulars and friends - not at all new to me.
So, here's what happened.
Lady A - Worked out perfectly. She wanted to get it off the books as soon as possible, and she did.
Lady B - I never got any time and she disappeared. I got fleeced, in other words.
Lady C - I've gotten some of the time here and there but it's been a struggle. Hard to communicate with. Lots of cancellations of time we do set up. I might get some of the time eventually but I'll never get all of it.
These three ladies represent, I think, the three possibilities of what could happen when advances are given.
Lady A is who I think we all hope we are dealing with (I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one to ever give an advance, possibly the only one stupid enough to admit it publicly though). She had a sense of personal honor that demanded she fulfill her obligation as soon as she possibly could, and she did. This is the ideal outcome.
Lady B simply never intended to fulfill her obligation. This may or may not be the worst outcome (I'll explain).
Lady C is the baffling one, and I suspect also the most common. I think she intended to fulfill her commitment and believes that she will, but there's a problem. New money is better than old money. What you want has more value than what you already have. It's human nature. New appointments with new money incoming will always take precedence, even over appointments already made and paid for, hence the cancellations. She may feel some guilt about it, hence the avoidance and being difficult to communicate with.
I think as clients we think about advances quite differently than providers do. Again, assuming I'm not the only idiot out here. It seems like such a simple thing, and so easy to fulfill: She'll just spend the time with me as soon as it works with both our schedules. And with Lady A, that's exactly what it is. You still have to account for the other two types though.
Lady A - the ideal, what I hoped for from all of them
Lady B - the worst person of the bunch. But the pain is finite once you realize you got fleeced. I knew it could happen, and it did. Take your lumps for being a sucker and move on.
Lady C - Perhaps the hardest to deal with because there seems to be hope of her living up to her commitment from time to time, but then there is also plenty of evidence to the contrary. So, things go unresolved.
If you get a Lady C, you might be thinking that you'll be her highest priority for helping her out, but that's not true because of the "new money" incentive already mentioned. In fact I believe with Lady C, by helping her you actually achieve the opposite of that, becoming her lowest priority. She's not Lady A, who does make getting it off the books her highest priority, even potentially over getting new money.
One thing to make clear: I am NOT saying all providers are untrustworthy, not at all. I compare it to family loans I've made over the years, where I've gotten exactly 0% repaid. So, providers actually have a better track record. And there are providers who simply wouldn't ask for or expect advances.
So there it is. If guys encounter this situation I hope you'll remember this and use it to help your judgment. Do I say never give a provider an advance? No. I'd do it for Lady A again (however, the Bank of Spanky is not accepting new applicants at this time). But if you do, make sure you're prepared to lose it, because there's a good chance that you will.
Advances
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