Shame on all of you men for having valid points from the male perspective! You weren’t supposed to do that and I was just getting comfortable on my high horse when suddenly a jolt of guilt knocked me right off again. Darn, hate when that happens.
You are all absolutely right! If you lust after your wife and she does not return the gesture, she may as well have set you up on a date her own self. If she denies you in the bedroom AND gets mad when you watch porn, she’s wrong. If you still open her doors and she fails to acknowledge it, she’s too comfortable. If you are doing 99% of the household chores and still not able to spread her thighs, she’s taking you for granted. Life is too short to let yourself be shorted…by all means, do what makes you happy!
In my particular case, my husband made sure he provided every necessity for me to live a carefree life. From his perspective, he didn’t want me to have the burden of stress that arises from a stressful job. I was taken care of and I personally wanted to provide everything for him as well. Since I knew I was falling short in the bedroom, I didn’t make a fuss when I knew he was looking elsewhere. I didn’t mind when he watched porn or had “alone” time….I just didn’t want to be involved. I had “my dinner” so to speak and felt it appropriate that I make every effort to remain ignorant as not to let him feel even an ounce of guilt for what he needed to do as a man.
Hindsight is 20/20 and in hindsight, my husband was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Working his way up the ladder to ensure we would be prepared to start a family and have a better life later. My husband traveled 2-3 weeks out of each month from city to city, he worked 16 hour days, walked in the shoes of his deceased father and dealt with providing both monetary and emotional support for his mother and little brother who were half way across the globe AND he came home to a wife that exhausted him with her constant unhappiness. I never said I was unhappy, I never asked him to do anything for me, I just sat there in such an uncomfortable silence that it must’ve deafened his ears. My husband was a lot of amazing things but he was not a mind reader.
Every once in a while I’ll find an old note, a picture or pass a place that lodges a memory and instantly, I feel incredibly guilty. My husband did lust for me, as much as one could who was fucking exhausted! When he came home, his watching his shows on the DVR and asking me to sit with him wasn’t a show of selfishness, it was a sign that he wanted me close. My husband wanted nothing more than to come home to the house that he worked his ass off to pay for and sit quietly with his wife. He had been on calls and at airports all week and his home was his quiet refuge. The last thing he needed was to feel like he wasn’t enough. I didn’t understand that then as I do now.
He was giving me what he assumed a Man should give his wife to make her happy and I was giving him what I assumed a Woman should give her husband to make him happy. I did not fully appreciate him then and he did not fully appreciate me either. He had good intentions, I had good intentions. He gave 110%, I gave 110%. He was in love with me and I was in love with him. In fact, we were so in love and concerned for the other that we didn’t want to bother burdening the other with our silly needs.
Many nights I lay next to him so unhappy and I remember asking myself over and over – WHY DO I FEEL SO ALONE, he’s right here. It kills me now to imagine he was right next to me and feeling the exact same way. My poor husband had the weight of the world on his shoulders and carried the load alone. I regret not reaching for him, not stroking his hair, not asking if he was okay and I’m not sure yet but that may have been the biggest mistake of my life.
I wasn’t trying to be a bad wife, I wanted to reach for him and snuggle BUT the fear of him pulling out a huge dildo or immediately suggesting lesbian porn scared me off.
STAG, thank you for your insight…it was never about being a “freak or whore” it was about intimacy. He needed me and I needed him, as every human being needs another from time to time. The intimacy faded slowly and the flashing red light became when the physical proof could no longer be ignored. Once my legs closed, the doors opened for the storm. A silence the size of a pin needle grew until it deafened our love.
I married the greatest human being I have ever known. As a testament to what sort of person he is, it was him who took a day off of work when I lay heartbroken unable to eat or sleep after my break-up, he hugged me tight as a cried and babbled. I have thrown the fact that I left my career behind and have to start over in his face more times than I can remember. I’ve accused him of taking away my financial independence and I know he walks on eggshells wanting to assist me through tough financial times but not wanting to offend me with the offer. A way around this is his monthly check for dog expenses…child support if you will. When I told him I was dabbling in body rubs to make ends meet, the check grew. On Sunday my heater went out and on Monday morning I received a text asking me to open the door, he was on his way. I awoke 2 hours later to find 2 space heaters, a Starbucks coffee, my favorite Danish and a $500 check with “dog food” in the memo line. My ex boyfriend wore his cape year around for me to take notice, IM YOUR HERO in flashing lights scrolling across the marquee. He shielded me from the rain and from lifting heavy objects.
My ex husband doesn’t need to wear his cape. He’s more like Superman, there when I need him because he knows I can’t live without him.
I don’t offer up a menu of services that include my body. If asked to send revealing pictures or how my body rub sessions go, I politely ask them to go elsewhere. At this point I do this with my head held high in the belief that I’m offering up a therapeutic body rub via a dose of humanity for those who are seeking intimacy. Intimacy comes in many forms and can be offered up in a look, a gesture, an ear to listen and even just a smile.
Now I have some questions for those who are willing to answer:
1. If you are seeking intimacy, how is not possible to get so high on the feeling that you fall in love with another woman?
2. When does the act of hobbying cross over in to actual cheating?
I’m deeply perplexed by these things because I myself am single and seeking intimacy and am aware that at any moment I can allow someone to get too close to me. I know what life is like on the other end and would be a fool to think I’m sexier, hornier and more desirable than the “wives” …. I just appear that way because that is how this works.
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